Thankful

When I was desperately trying to get pregnant I had a friend who told to me to journal every night about something that I was thankful for.  When you are obsessed with infertility, you lose perspective on how great the other things are that are around you.  For example, instead of being thankful for friends and family at Christmas you are instead jealous that the Virgin Mary had a baby without trying at all.  Ridiculous?  Absolutely. 

Without naming any names, I want to share some of the people and things that I am thankful for...

I am thankful to a selfless family for giving me the opportunity to be a mother to a fantastic little girl.  I am grateful to a group of people who helped me through the failure of my first IVF, who helped me create Jack, and who supported me through a very scary first trimester.  I am grateful to anyone and everyone who helped get me through the worst of the worst of my post partum depression.  And to a fantastic lady at the support centre...I am sure I would not have made it without your support.  To my friend that did her work at my kitchen table, to my friend who let me cry on her couch repeatedly, to my friend who did not breastfeed either of her kids....I thank you.  To those who made me leave the house when I so desperately wanted to stay in my pajamas....I realize you were so right.  Thanks!  To those who shared their stories so I was not alone...you are the very best.  To the knowledgeable and kind lady who did our homestudy....you made what I would have assumed to be an awkward situation into something amazing.  Your support and information made things so much easier for us.  To the people who put us in contact with Lily's birth family....how do you even say thanks for something so incredible?  To our dear friends who took Lily when I went into labour and stayed up with her from 3:30 am...so very kind.  For my friends....you have helped the whole way...even when I was mean about baby showers, when I had to be forced from my car for a  Tim Horton's break, and when I didn't listen to your incredible advice about depression and baby supplies.  To my dear friend who dropped everything to come to my house during my first IVF and during the breastfeeding debacle.  To my family for accepting our decision to adopt wholeheartedly and for never looking back. 

To all of you reading this.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write this all out and feel like my experiences had a purpose.  I hope I do not disappoint.

To my kids for being the cutest and smartest. (I know every mom says that!!) To my husband for having sex during pneumonia, for masturbating in the hospital (even though you work there), for all the post-procedure lunches, for holding my hand, for surviving the journey, and for being the very best husband and father ever.

THANK YOU!!

According to...the kindness of strangers

Everyone always has the perfect advice.  Okay, even I am guilty of my personal suggestions from time to time.  But there is nothing worse than the advice or criticism of a stranger.  Lily was born on a Saturday and we were finally released from the hospital on Monday.  We drove as far as Regina and stayed with Scott's parents until Wednesday.  On the way home we realized that we needed stuff.  Babies need stuff...lots of it.  At that point we had a car seat, stroller, bassinet, a few sleepers, a small pack of diapers, and two cases of baby formula.  We were getting there but definitely needed some more stuff.  We decided to stop at Toys 'R Us on our way by.  We were feeling overwelmed by the baby section and Lily was crying.  She was officially 4 days old, we had just driven three hours, and she was literally with strangers (us).  Let's cut her some slack.  On the other side of the aisle were two women.  I overheard them saying that we were terrible new parents for taking such a small baby out to a germy, drafty, bright store.  And I felt immediately guilty.  Wow...it was only day 4 (day 2 out of the hospital) and I was already failing my baby.  It took months to get my confidence back.
The same thing happens when you are struggling with infertility.  Everyone knows that the moment you get married, everyone wants to know when the baby is coming...and they ask relentlessly, year after year, until something finally happens.  Once you have one, they immediately begin asking about plans for the next one...even if the first one is adopted.  Over the years I have received so many inconsiderate comments.  In some cases I know the person meant well, but it is tactful to be careful with the infertile.  I was told that I was going to regret putting my career ahead of having a family.  I was told I wasn't getting any younger.  I was told to relax, to go on vacation, and to have sex more.  A well-meaning co-worker who has two wonderful kids told me to just enjoy the time I had sleeping in and living my life.  I was told to try fertility treatments, herbals, massage, accupuncture, witch craft.  I was told not to do fertility treatments because they are against God's will.  I was told it would happen if I was just patient.  And of course, once we had adopted Lily we were told that everyone who adopts gets pregnant right after.  Just to clear that one up...Jack was created by IVF not adoption.  The best thing to say to someone struggling with infertilty is that you are there for them if they need anything.  Don't say that you know how they feel.  Don't think of a witty comment to take their pain away.  And when they do want to talk, just listen.  You aren't supposed to understand.
But back to the general inconsiderateness of strangers...when my daughter is standing in the cart, I don't need you to tell her to sit down...or to tell me that it is dangerous.  Trust me, we both know these things already.  I have just decided that it is not a battle that I want to battle that day.  If my kid has his coat done up and we are indoors, I probably already know that he's going to get hot.  I probably just haven't got around to unzipping him yet.  If my kids are eating fries, I probably feed them vegetables on another day of the week.  If my kid has a runny nose, I already know it, I just ran out of tissue because it has already been running for months.  And if my kid isn't wearing mitts and it is really cold outside, it's because I am teaching her a lesson for having a temper tantrum when I tried to put them on two minutes ago.  I know I am not perfect...so please do not point out the obvious.
Remember that everything we say has an impact...and remember that one comment in Toy 'R Us has stayed with me for over three years.  So...easy does it, smarty pants.

Fertility Info

People always have tons of questions for me regarding fertility procedures and treatments.  By no means am I an expert.  I only know what I know from personal experience.  I found a lot of information in two fantastic books...A Couple's Guide to Invitro Fertilization and A Few Good Eggs.  I thought I'd share some of the basic information so that you are aware of some of the options.

Basal Body Temperature...When a woman ovulates her body temperature increases slightly until the end of her cycle.  Because everything you do can impact your temperature, the only way to do this is to take your temperature with a basal thermometer immediately upon waking and before getting out of bed everyday.  The first part of the cycle (which begins on the first day of menstruation) should have slightly lower temperatures than the days following ovulation.  See http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ for an easy way to chart your temperatures. 

Ovulation test strips...These are similar to a pregnancy test except they test LH (luteinizing hormone) instead of HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin).  LH rises 24-48 hours prior to ovulation.  A positive test means that having sex at that point would be optimal timing.  (You know...like on the commercials)

Laparoscopy...A gynecologist makes 2-3 small incisions into the abdomen and looks inside to determine if there is any obvious cause of infertility.  While in there they can sometimes remove scar tissue, endometriosis etc. with a laser.  To see your insides better, they blow you up like a balloon...weird.

Hysterosalpingogram...A dye is used to fill the uterus and the fallopian tubes.  An X Ray takes pictures of the dye as it travels up and out of the fallopian tubes. If it spills from both tubes, it proves that both tubes are actually open.  It is possible that this test may improve fertility in the next few months because of the cleaning of the tubes.  Not to scare anyone, but ouch.  This test is extremely painful but only for as long as it takes to know you are in pain...and then it stops.

Sonohysterogram...Similar to the HSG above, but an ultrasound is used instead of an X Ray and saline instead of dye.  This is used to check tubes, uterus, and endometrial lining. 

Vaginal ultrasound...Large probe covered in large condom is placed in the vagina and gives a better view at female reproductive organs than the traditional ultrasound.  Good news...it is done with an empty bladder.   Bad news...it is vaginal.

Semen Analysis...Sample of semen is obtained (the old fashioned way...no electric prod or anything) and sperm is counted.  Normal is around 20 million per ml and around 80 million per ejaculate.  Motility and morphology are also observed.  Motility is amount of movement, rate and direction.  At least 50% should be moving after one hour...and preferably in a straight line.  If less are moving a stain can be done to look at the dead sperm.  Morphology is the size, shape and appearance.  Two hundred sperm are analysed for defects in the head, body, tail, and size.  Often one test is not enough because sperm are highly influenced by illness, stress, and activity.

Testicular Ultrasound...Just like it sounds.  An ultrasound is held on the man's testicles to look for blockages or Varicoceles (vericose veins of the testicles).  Up to 40% of male infertility is caused by Varicoceles.

IUI...Intrauterine insemination (not artificial insemination...I'm not sure but possibly that's what it is called for cattle?)  A woman's cycle is monitored to accurately predict ovulation (often with the assistance of fertility drugs).  When the timing is correct, the man produces a semen sample which is washed (all good sperm are used and poor ones are discarded) and it is put into the woman's uterus using a small tube.  There is also Superovulation which is IUI but with similar drugs to an IVF cycle. IUI is often how multiples occur.  If the woman has more than one egg from the drugs there is an increased chance that they will become more than one baby.  However, this is not how Octomom had eight...that was an incompetent and unethical transfer of way too many embryos from IVF.  IUI alone costs about $200-400 per cycle.  Superovulation costs approximately $1000-5000 per cycle.

IVF...Invitro fertilization is when a woman's cycle is completely controlled by inhaled, injected or vaginal medications which cause the body to produce an increased number of eggs.  Those eggs are then fertilized either by placing the man's sperm in the dish or by ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection) which is the injection of one sperm directly into one egg. Embryo(s) are then transferred back into the woman's uterus and if implantation occurs the pregnancy is maintained by vaginal drugs for another 10-12 weeks.  Finally the pregnancy continues on its own.  IVF costs approximately $10000 per cycle.  The above photo is of an embryo the morning after it was injected by one sperm.  You can tell it was successfully fertilized by the two bubbles in the middle.

Like I said before....this is a very simplified explanation for a very complex science.  But at least you now know what I am talking about.

The Ordinary Family

I almost missed one of the most important opportunities of my life.  I was concerned about having an ordinary family and I was worried that adopting Lily would make us out of the ordinary.  Fortunately, I have a husband who is comfortable telling me when I am thinking crazy.  Together we made the right decision.  A decision which will change my life forever...and in every way for the better.
What is the ordinary family anyway?  Is it 2.5 kids and a dog?  Who wants 1/2 a kid anyway?  And what about us cat lovers? If you take a moment to look around, these days every family can be called ordinary. Or, if it pleases you, out of the ordinary.  There are single parents.  There are grandparents raising their grandchildren.  There are gay and lesbian couples. There are interracial and interreligious families.   There are adopted kids from almost every country...Asian, Ethiopian, Haitian, Russian... And usually the families that would be considered "normal" have something going on that you don't even know about.
Family means a group of people who care more about each other than they do as an individual.    It is a group of people who are better people because they are together.  It doesn't matter what the "rules" are.  It only matters that you are meant to be together.
I once had a mom tell me that her family was not ordinary.  Her son is married to a girl of a different religion and different race, her daughter is married to a man of a different race, and her son has a stepson. She completely loves her family and didn't mean it at all in a mean way.  I thought that it was funny that she was telling me that they weren't ordinary because I was raised by a single parent and I have a daughter who is adopted and Inuit. Am I not the one that is out of the ordinary? At that moment I realized that we are all ordinary people living ordinary lives...our own lives.  
If you are ever faced with a decision and are worried because it might make you out of the ordinary, remember that it means you are extraordinary.  And everything is ordinary.

JOY

Everyone who wants children deserves to have a beautiful, healthy, happy baby.  And everyone deserves to have that baby when they want to.  The struggle to have children is really trying for so many people.  I love hearing that someone who has struggled has finally gotten what they've wanted for so long.  It's not that I'm not happy when I hear about the birth of all babies.  Bringing a baby into the world is an amazing experience.  But when I hear that a baby is born to an "infertile" couple (or if I hear that they've adopted...which has only happened once) I am filled with incredible joy...the end of a journey, the end of a struggle...the beginning of a new family together.  Everyone deserves that happiness.

Welcome Rowan...I am so glad you have arrived!

Life's Not Fair

After years of hating every pregnant woman (even ones I liked or people who's "turn" it was to be pregnant) I'm finally at peace with it all.  I am finally happy. My pain is gone but instead of my own pain, I feel the pain of those around me.  Through my personal life and through this blog, I have learned of so many other people's struggles.  If I could, I would fix it for everyone.  I wish that I could become the stork and drop off the right baby on every door step.  I have literally tried this before but have learned that intervening has its consequences and that even when you think you have some control of the situation...you do not. 
I have friends who are trying unsuccessfully, are trying fertility treatments, and those who are taking a break.  Watching everyone and through my own personal experiences, it is the dream of the future and the loss of that dream that breaks hearts everytime.  No matter how hard the journey, in my experience the loss of a baby is most painful.  I have seen embryos and become attached to them...only later to learn that they are gone, but never have I experienced a positive test only to have it later taken away.  I cannot begin to imagine that pain.  I have created imaginary families enough times without that positive.  To imagine what it would be like further down that road is impossible. 
People always ask what to say or how to help a friend struggling with infertility.  I wish I knew the answer to those questions for moms who have experienced a loss.  I wish I knew how to touch their hearts and steal some of their pain.  Supposedly life only gives you what you can handle.  I hope that is true and that those moms will move on with their lives.  I hope that someday they will stop feeling their own personal pain and will be able to say that they are happy too.
Until then, you are in my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart.

I felt a determination cover my body like a quilt on a winter night

Racism is still with us. But it is up to us to prepare our children for what they have to meet, and, hopefully, we shall overcome.
-Rosa Parks

On December 1, 1955 Rosa Parks refused to obey the bus driver's order that she give up her seat to make room for a white passenger.  Following standard practice the bus driver noted that the front of the bus was filled with white passengers and there were two or three white men standing. He moved the "colored" section sign behind Parks and demanded that four black people give up their seats in the middle section so that the white passengers could sit. Years later, in recalling the events of the day, Parks said, "When that white driver stepped back toward us, when he waved his hand and ordered us up and out of our seats, I felt a determination cover my body like a quilt on a winter night."
-Wikipedia

I have heard that it is more common to experience racism here in Saskatchewan than most other provinces in our country.  If you would have said that to me four years ago, I just would have shrugged.  It's definitely not that I think racism is okay, I just hadn't really noticed that it was that big of an issue.
But in my opinion everyone is human and being human means that you can feel.  What right does someone have to make another person hurt on purpose?  The actions of others with the same color skin as yours does not mean that you will or will not make the same choices.   Why should you have to pay for what others have or have not done?
There have been many times in my life when someone has told an inappropriate joke.  I never really ever found them to be funny but I decided to chuckle along to avoid embarrassment.  But one day a joke was told about native people (and they didn't say native people) in front of a very wonderful woman whose husband happens to be native.  It was at that moment that I realized that these jokes are harmful.  And by not saying that I think it is wrong, I'm just as bad as the person telling it.
Lily is Inuit.  We are very proud that she is Inuit and have a great opportunity to learn about their history and culture in our country.  We have decided that she is going to live in a racism free zone.  I can no longer ignore comments or jokes, but have to approach the topic and explain why it is wrong.  Unless, you specifically know Lily is Inuit, it is hard to decide whether she is Inuit, Native, Japanese, Korean, or Chinese.  People of all different races have assumed that she is the same race as them.  Therefore, I am completely amazed when someone who knows Lily still tries to make racist comments to me.  They don't realize that often their collective comments include my beautiful daughter.
When Lily was only one year old a little girl at her daycare would not play with her because she had "funny skin". Fortunately the topic was approached early and a discussion about skin color fixed the problem.  Lily wasn't old enough to know what was going on...but she is now.
We used to go to Indoor Playground.  There was a mother of three little girls who would call her children back with excuses like "Here's a drink." or "Here's a cookie." everytime they would play with Lily. At first I thought that maybe Lily had done something to them but when it happened weeks in a row, I realized that her mom didn't like Lily because she was not white.  Because I didn't want to make Lily aware of the situation, I decided not to approach that mother, but I still think about what I would say if I did.
We were at the swimming pool one day.  I know that you are supposed to keep your kids within an arms length of you at all time, but we were in the paddling pool and there were kids everywhere.  We were definitely not the only parents giving our kids some extra space.  The lifeguard walked into the water and pulled Lily out by her arm.  I ran over immediately and she was telling Lily that she can't be in the water without her parents.  When I approached her and said she was my daughter she was embarrassed...and she should have been.  She only approached the kid she assumed was native.  I looked around at that exact moment and there were probably about ten other kids she could have pulled out as well.
I'm not sure this is a case of racism or just plain stupidity.  Last winter I was in a store looking at winter jackets.  Lily was on the other side of the rack.  I couldn't quite see her but I kept peeking around to make sure she was still there.  Suddenly this woman takes her by the hand and starts to walk away.  I chase her saying, "Excuse me. That's my daughter." She looks at me blankly and turns away still pulling Lily along with her.  I catch up and grab Lily's other hand.  The woman looks and me and says, "I'm taking her to her parents."  She points to an Asian couple near the till.  I say, "Actually I'm her mother."  She looks at me like I'm the crazy one but lets go and walks away...towards the Asian couple.  She actually stopped and asked them if I had their child.  I guess she's never seen an interracial family or heard of adoption before?
Just the other day I was at Extreme Pita waiting for our pita pizzas to finish baking.  Lily asked to go to the front and look out the window.  She was quietly looking out the window and not making any sound.  A woman comes in and stands beside me.  She keeps looking at Lily...and not in an "Oh she's cute." sort of way.  Finally she says to me, "I can't believe her parents would just leave her here like that."  Are you kidding me????  I walk over and bring Lily back to me.  The woman looks embarrassed but doesn't say a word.  Lily was being a very fantastically well-behaved little girl and that lady's personal feelings allowed her to see it as something completely different.
So remember, everytime you think of someone in a negative manner not because they have done something, but because you assume they are capable of something, imagine how that would feel if the situation were reversed.  Remember that every word you say and every action you do is taken into consideration by your children and the people around you.  There are so many things that are acceptable in our society that shouldn't be.  Sometimes I find myself saying something without realizing what it really means.  Sayings like "jewed them down", or "I was gypped" are harmful too.  Jokes are not funny.  And often assumptions are wrong.  Make sure you understand how things really work before commenting on them.  As times change, those that are racist will become the "bad guys" and they will be frowned upon.  There have been many improvements over the years and it will only get better.  Help to make the difference...not to drag it down.

And remember how harmful racism could be to my beautiful little girl...if we let it.

Take me up in your hot air balloon and feed me cotton candy

I often wonder if music affects others in the same way that it affects me.  The right song can fill your soul.  A familiar song can take you back to a place that it represents in your memory.  A piece of music can completely change your mood in a moment.  The funny thing is that it doesn't matter to me what kind of music it is.  It could be classical or a song on the radio, but the right piece of music can stay in your heart forever.
I had never been to the symphony before and I really got the tickets because Chantal Kreviazuk was singing with the Saskatoon Symphony Orchestra.  The music was beautiful.  It was hard for me to decide if I should watch her sing or close my eyes and let my soul be filled by the sounds of the symphony.  It was amazing how so many instruments could come together to make one unified sound.  The music completely filled the room.
Music is therapeutic to me.  When I was in the middle of the infertility experience I would lose myself in "Doesn't Remind Me" by Audioslave....wow, what a voice. The lyrics talk about all the things he likes because they don't remind him of anything.  I was in the middle of an experience where everything I thought of or saw reminded me of babies, mothers, or pregnancy.  "I like driving backwards in the fog because it doesn't remind me of anything."
I wouldn't have survived labour without music (or my husband...but that's not what this is about.) Songs like "Weak in the Knees" by Serena Ryder ("Would you mind if we pretend we're somewhere else?") or "Good Mother" by Jann Arden ("I've got a good mother and her voice is what keeps me here." "I've got a good father and his strength is what makes me cry.") The soothing sound of music and voices added a sense of relaxation to what I have to describe as a not very relaxing time.  And I had plenty of time to listen to music....yes, plenty.
There wasn't much that made me feel better during the worst of my post partum depression.  But, as usual, music could make its way through. I have to admit that I'm not a huge Adam Lambert fan but "What Do You Want From Me?" really expressed some of the things I was feeling.  ("Just don't give up.  I'm working it out. Just don't give in.  I won't let you down.  It messed me up.  Need a second to breathe.  Just keep coming around.") I felt like I was letting the world down...especially Scott and my kids...and I didn't want them to give up on me. 
There is a piece of me in so many songs that I hear.  So many memories built around music.  Ben Harper-Beloved One.  Chantal Kreviazuk-Feels Like Home.  Loudon Wainright-Daughter.  Sheryl Crow-Here Comes the Sun.  Sheryl Crow-My Favorite Mistake.  Metallica-Nothing Else Matters.  Anna Nalick-Breathe.  Wild Strawberries-I Don't Want to Think About it. Coldplay-Fix You.

Pieces of my life set to music.

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
-Chantal Kreviazuk