Don't clean your house for me. I know you think that I will think you are a better person because I didn't see your messy house. But honestly, it just makes me think that you just won't be invited to mine. I am not a clean person by nature. My bedroom as a teenager looked much like the hoarders on television...okay no dead animals or rats, but still quite impressive. My urge is to leave the mess and push it aside as required. I know that is not acceptable so I do clean as needed...but mostly I count on my housecleaner to do the work. I am grateful that she is so awesome. I am a full time mom, a full time wife, and a full time pharmacy manager...that leaves me too tired and too busy to clean the toilet. It is hard enough to find time to pick up the toys...which I rarely do anyway.
It is instinctual to instantly look around and try to tidy when someone is coming over. I may do the dishes or pick up some toys, but it takes a lot more than that to fix it up in time. If you let me see your house at its worst, I am more likely to invite you over to mine. If I have spare time or a day off, I want to spend it with my family and my friends. I want to sleep late and hang out in pajamas...I do no want to set the alarm so I can clean before you come over.
If you stop by unannounced, you will find my house in disarray. Deal with it. I do. I used to get embarrassed...now I just think that if you don't like it, stay away. I used to clean for guests and didn't want anyone to see my messy house. Now I let my housecleaner do the work and hope it makes it through the week. FYI...my housecleaner comes on Wednesdays so come over Thursday if you want my house to be clean.
Oh yeah...and stop cleaning up so much. You have to already know that everyone else cleans right before you come over. Stop obsessing. Let's change the expectation so we can spend more time doing the things we love....and less time mopping the floor. It's a revolution!!
Isis is the goddess of motherhood, magic, and fertility. She is also the goddess of children from whom all beginnings arose. Isis is the goddess of my personal struggles in life. I want to portray moments or snap shots of my life in a humorous manner in hopes that sharing my experiences may decrease the pain of others in similar circumstances. The journey has many twists and turns but I hope all will find their successful end.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sex....A Requeim
Have you seen the bank commercial where the woman leans over and tells the man that it is time...and the man has no idea what she is talking about. Then the banker whispers in his ear and he smiles. If this was real life, he wouldn't have smiled. Honestly.
Infertility means sex on demand and sex on demand makes for annoying and depressing sex. Sex with the flu, sex when you are hung over, sex when you have a headache (for real!)...eventually wears on you to a point where sex becomes the means to an end. It is no longer a way to connect with someone you love. It is something to be discussed with doctors and planned on charts. It becomes a chore.
And you can't let it go because after years of planning and obsessing, you are too scared to miss an opportunity in case the time really is now.
I'm not going to get into my sex life....something has to be private, but it is hard to get passed the memory of the organization. The opportunity to be spontaneous is foreign.
I think that there is something about being sexual beings that has to do with being fertile. A man feels like less of a man when his boys don't swim and a woman feels less womanly when her uterus is hostile. It is hard to get those things off your mind when you are obsessing constantly. And if you don't feel womanly (or manly) it is hard to be sexual.
I know this is an awkward conversational topic, but I don't want people to think that they aren't normal. Everything about infertility sucks....just put this on the list.
Infertility means sex on demand and sex on demand makes for annoying and depressing sex. Sex with the flu, sex when you are hung over, sex when you have a headache (for real!)...eventually wears on you to a point where sex becomes the means to an end. It is no longer a way to connect with someone you love. It is something to be discussed with doctors and planned on charts. It becomes a chore.
And you can't let it go because after years of planning and obsessing, you are too scared to miss an opportunity in case the time really is now.
I'm not going to get into my sex life....something has to be private, but it is hard to get passed the memory of the organization. The opportunity to be spontaneous is foreign.
I think that there is something about being sexual beings that has to do with being fertile. A man feels like less of a man when his boys don't swim and a woman feels less womanly when her uterus is hostile. It is hard to get those things off your mind when you are obsessing constantly. And if you don't feel womanly (or manly) it is hard to be sexual.
I know this is an awkward conversational topic, but I don't want people to think that they aren't normal. Everything about infertility sucks....just put this on the list.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Celexa...Friend or Foe?
First I feel the need to explain that I do not think I am less of a person because I take an anti-depressant. I can only describe post-partum depression as being chased down a dark foggy tunnel to nowhere. You are totally and senselessly afraid of nothing and wandering through darkness in hopes of reaching the end of something you totally can not understand. Anti-depressants gave me peace and sunlight and I will be eternally grateful.
I am a pharmacist and for some reason people think that pharmacists love medication. Don't get me wrong...if medication became extinct, so would my job. But medication is a chemical and every chemical we put into our bodies needs to be assessed for risk vs.benefit. Medications are tested thoroughly but they never know it all. Tons of times there are medications that we have thought to be safe for years only to learn later that they are doing something harmful to an unrelated part of the body. I am not trying to create fear. Medication saves lives ALL THE TIME. But the benefit of the medication should be better than the risk of harm to decide that you need to take the medication. As an aside...please don't stop your cholesterol medications. I spend every day explaining that even though you can't feel high cholesterol it still matters. High cholesterol increases your risk of heart attack and stroke even though you can't feel it. The benefit of taking these medications is cardiovascular health....and I sort of think your brain and heart should be healthy...therefore the risk in this case is is lower than the benefit of taking the medication. Blah...blah...blah...
I still love Celexa. It gave me my life back. I made a deal with my husband and my doctor that I wouldn't even consider stopping it until spring. Spring brings sunshine on its own....so maybe I don't need Celexa to do it as well? Celexa is relatively safe, but as I said before, I am not a fan of adding chemicals to your body that are not required. My only issue is that I don't know if the Celexa is required.
In hindsight, I have experienced some depression in the past. One really cold winter in university, I felt as though I was drifting through life in a bubble from which I could not escape....totally weird, I know...but perhaps depression played a role in that feeling? And I know I was not myself during our infertility journey. One should not cry that much or that often. So...do I need an anti-depressant or not?
I feel more at peace now than I ever have before....but is that because I have a wonderful life with a wonderful husband, a wonderful family, a wonderful job, and a wonderful home? Or is because of all those things and a little magic pill called Celexa? My instinct says that I am fine and that a slow taper of Celexa would leave me exactly where I am now. But what if I am wrong? My life is way more hectic now than it was during my "inability to cope with life" post-partum days. I still have two kids (but I do get a lot more sleep now) but I also manage a crazy busy pharmacy, work full-time, attend swimming, gymnastics, and soccer (blog regularly :) and try to keep in touch with my friends. I don't really have time for a breakdown at the moment.
I don't think the answer is available tonight. But I do need to know if my good friend Celexa is needed or if it can be become a distant memory of a good friend who got left behind.
I am a pharmacist and for some reason people think that pharmacists love medication. Don't get me wrong...if medication became extinct, so would my job. But medication is a chemical and every chemical we put into our bodies needs to be assessed for risk vs.benefit. Medications are tested thoroughly but they never know it all. Tons of times there are medications that we have thought to be safe for years only to learn later that they are doing something harmful to an unrelated part of the body. I am not trying to create fear. Medication saves lives ALL THE TIME. But the benefit of the medication should be better than the risk of harm to decide that you need to take the medication. As an aside...please don't stop your cholesterol medications. I spend every day explaining that even though you can't feel high cholesterol it still matters. High cholesterol increases your risk of heart attack and stroke even though you can't feel it. The benefit of taking these medications is cardiovascular health....and I sort of think your brain and heart should be healthy...therefore the risk in this case is is lower than the benefit of taking the medication. Blah...blah...blah...
I still love Celexa. It gave me my life back. I made a deal with my husband and my doctor that I wouldn't even consider stopping it until spring. Spring brings sunshine on its own....so maybe I don't need Celexa to do it as well? Celexa is relatively safe, but as I said before, I am not a fan of adding chemicals to your body that are not required. My only issue is that I don't know if the Celexa is required.
In hindsight, I have experienced some depression in the past. One really cold winter in university, I felt as though I was drifting through life in a bubble from which I could not escape....totally weird, I know...but perhaps depression played a role in that feeling? And I know I was not myself during our infertility journey. One should not cry that much or that often. So...do I need an anti-depressant or not?
I feel more at peace now than I ever have before....but is that because I have a wonderful life with a wonderful husband, a wonderful family, a wonderful job, and a wonderful home? Or is because of all those things and a little magic pill called Celexa? My instinct says that I am fine and that a slow taper of Celexa would leave me exactly where I am now. But what if I am wrong? My life is way more hectic now than it was during my "inability to cope with life" post-partum days. I still have two kids (but I do get a lot more sleep now) but I also manage a crazy busy pharmacy, work full-time, attend swimming, gymnastics, and soccer (blog regularly :) and try to keep in touch with my friends. I don't really have time for a breakdown at the moment.
I don't think the answer is available tonight. But I do need to know if my good friend Celexa is needed or if it can be become a distant memory of a good friend who got left behind.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Home Study
People have said the same thing over and over and I used to agree. What right does someone have to judge your life and your home before you can adopt? No one checks out the pregnant mom to make sure she is competent. It's true that there is no license to birth...but maybe there should be. Our home study asked lots of questions about us. But it taught us a lot too. We had the most amazing facilitator. She answered tons of our questions and stopped in to make sure we were doing okay long after her responsibilities were complete. Adoption isn't easy and she helped guide us through laws, emotions, and future concerns. So many people with kids the same age as ours are struggling with what kind of discipline they should use and whether or not they like the role that the opposite parent is playing. While we don't always agree, our ideas about discipline were out on the table long before we needed them. We discussed what to do when you've reached your last straw, who your support system is going to be, and what to do when your kid bites you for the first time. I can almost guarantee that during pregnancy most parents are not prepared for the things that we learned in our home study sessions.
And there were tons of questions. I guess the best way to understand it is that the facilitator is there to protect the child. Every parental change in a child's life is going to add challenge. A child that is going to be adopted already has that to deal with eventually in life. It would be horrible for that adoption to fail or to have to remove that child from their new family. So they have to ensure that you are ready to adopt, that you understand the challenges that adoption may present, that you can handle the challenges of parenting, and that you are going to be a good parent in general. They ask everything. They want to know your medical history. They want to know what kind of relationship you have with your family. What kind of discipline did your parents use? Do you think that it worked? What kind of discipline will you use? What if your child has some sort of disability? If a disability is recognized at birth, will you go through with the adoption? Have you been pressured into adoption by your partner? Who will help you when you can't do it all on your own? Will your family/friends support your decision to adopt? Do you know anyone who is adopted? They look at your police record, your marriage certificate, and your financial information. You don't have to be rich, but you do have to be able to support your child(ren). And her suggestion was always to be honest. It would be easier to discuss an issue in advance than to learn later that you have lied. Our infertility literally made us crazy and we had a hard time relating to others, especially family members. This put a strain on many relationships at that time. We not only were honest about the issue, but she actually made suggestions on how to handle the issue. Things are better now, but at the time we were concerned that telling the truth would be detrimental. That was not the case.
There are no surprise visits like they suggest on television. She made two scheduled visits; one before placement and once after to make sure everything was going well. The morning of our first visit, our vacuum broke and we had cat hair on our floor. During the second visit, Lily spent a awful lot of time crying (because she did a lot of crying in the first few months). Neither of those things were an issue as she was there to look at the big picture and to make sure we were all doing well. She did visit after that but only to be helpful and not as a requirement to our home study. I hear many of her words in my head as I journey through parenthood and I have tried many of her suggestions.
I think we were very fortunate to have had the experience that we had. I think that prenatal classes tell you very little about the journey that you are heading into. I think that everyone should have the opportunity to do some sort of home study. We learned a lot about parenting but also a lot about each other. And I also learned a lot about me.
And there were tons of questions. I guess the best way to understand it is that the facilitator is there to protect the child. Every parental change in a child's life is going to add challenge. A child that is going to be adopted already has that to deal with eventually in life. It would be horrible for that adoption to fail or to have to remove that child from their new family. So they have to ensure that you are ready to adopt, that you understand the challenges that adoption may present, that you can handle the challenges of parenting, and that you are going to be a good parent in general. They ask everything. They want to know your medical history. They want to know what kind of relationship you have with your family. What kind of discipline did your parents use? Do you think that it worked? What kind of discipline will you use? What if your child has some sort of disability? If a disability is recognized at birth, will you go through with the adoption? Have you been pressured into adoption by your partner? Who will help you when you can't do it all on your own? Will your family/friends support your decision to adopt? Do you know anyone who is adopted? They look at your police record, your marriage certificate, and your financial information. You don't have to be rich, but you do have to be able to support your child(ren). And her suggestion was always to be honest. It would be easier to discuss an issue in advance than to learn later that you have lied. Our infertility literally made us crazy and we had a hard time relating to others, especially family members. This put a strain on many relationships at that time. We not only were honest about the issue, but she actually made suggestions on how to handle the issue. Things are better now, but at the time we were concerned that telling the truth would be detrimental. That was not the case.
There are no surprise visits like they suggest on television. She made two scheduled visits; one before placement and once after to make sure everything was going well. The morning of our first visit, our vacuum broke and we had cat hair on our floor. During the second visit, Lily spent a awful lot of time crying (because she did a lot of crying in the first few months). Neither of those things were an issue as she was there to look at the big picture and to make sure we were all doing well. She did visit after that but only to be helpful and not as a requirement to our home study. I hear many of her words in my head as I journey through parenthood and I have tried many of her suggestions.
I think we were very fortunate to have had the experience that we had. I think that prenatal classes tell you very little about the journey that you are heading into. I think that everyone should have the opportunity to do some sort of home study. We learned a lot about parenting but also a lot about each other. And I also learned a lot about me.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Single Moms
One day on the way home from work I heard about an accident on the radio. It sounded like someone had been killed and they were redirecting traffic away from the area. Like I am sure everyone does, you think for a moment about how that is sad and then kind of let it go while hoping that it wasn't anyone that you know. I followed my normal route home without another thought about it and picked up the kids from daycare. Scott and I have a routine where he usually gets home about 15 minutes before I do and starts supper. I pick up the kids and then we can eat earlier and have a bit more family time before they're off to bed.
I hit the garage door opener and started to drive into the garage when I noticed that Scott's car wasn't there. Keeping in mind that we usually get home relatively close to each other, there really wasn't a reason to worry. But instantly my thoughts went to the car accident in the city. While it wasn't his usual route, it is possible that he went that way to get home. My heart stopped and my eyes welled up. I had two kids in the car and Lily is the most intuitive kid on the planet. She exclaims, "What, mom?" and I realize that we're still sitting in the garage. I take the kids into the house and immediately check the phone for messages. No blinking light. I am trying to keep it together but my mind keeps going to what it would be like to be a single mother. I know that is crazy because he showed up a few minutes later after running an errand after work and all was well.
But in that moment I realized how difficult raising two kids alone was for my mother. Most single moms become single moms due to circumstance. It wasn't what they had planned, but suddenly all the responsibility is on them. They no longer have that person to bounce things off of. Do you think Lily eats enough vegetables? And they never really get that break that everyone desperately needs. If I want to go out with friends, I just make sure Scott is around and off I go. If I want to fly with my family to Hawaii, Scott takes one kid and I take the other...and off we go. If one of us can't get someone to bed, we let the other one try. If one of us it at our wits end, the other one can step in. If you are sick, the other one can take care of the kids till you are better. We have two incomes and two sets of ideas.
There are tons of single moms out there (single dads too!) that I appreciate but right now I am thinking about four in particular. My mom had to go back to school to get a teaching degree so that she could support her family. She took us camping even though she really didn't know how to pull the trailer. She tried really hard to keep the live Christmas tree tradition going. And I think she did a pretty good job of raising us. I try not to name any names in my blog without first asking permission, so I have to go the anonymous route with the others. One single mom got divorced with one small child already and another due any day. I thought about her lots when I would be excited about Scott getting home from work everyday while I was on maternity leave. Amazing strength. I know another mom who was pregnant with twins when she learned that her husband was having an affair. Who could survive the long nights with two newborns all alone? And I know a recently single mom who took both of her boys on an airplane...alone. After recently flying with two kids and a lot of suitcases, I don't know how she did it.
But to all you single parents out there....keep up the good work. You must have incredible strength. You amaze me!
I hit the garage door opener and started to drive into the garage when I noticed that Scott's car wasn't there. Keeping in mind that we usually get home relatively close to each other, there really wasn't a reason to worry. But instantly my thoughts went to the car accident in the city. While it wasn't his usual route, it is possible that he went that way to get home. My heart stopped and my eyes welled up. I had two kids in the car and Lily is the most intuitive kid on the planet. She exclaims, "What, mom?" and I realize that we're still sitting in the garage. I take the kids into the house and immediately check the phone for messages. No blinking light. I am trying to keep it together but my mind keeps going to what it would be like to be a single mother. I know that is crazy because he showed up a few minutes later after running an errand after work and all was well.
But in that moment I realized how difficult raising two kids alone was for my mother. Most single moms become single moms due to circumstance. It wasn't what they had planned, but suddenly all the responsibility is on them. They no longer have that person to bounce things off of. Do you think Lily eats enough vegetables? And they never really get that break that everyone desperately needs. If I want to go out with friends, I just make sure Scott is around and off I go. If I want to fly with my family to Hawaii, Scott takes one kid and I take the other...and off we go. If one of us can't get someone to bed, we let the other one try. If one of us it at our wits end, the other one can step in. If you are sick, the other one can take care of the kids till you are better. We have two incomes and two sets of ideas.
There are tons of single moms out there (single dads too!) that I appreciate but right now I am thinking about four in particular. My mom had to go back to school to get a teaching degree so that she could support her family. She took us camping even though she really didn't know how to pull the trailer. She tried really hard to keep the live Christmas tree tradition going. And I think she did a pretty good job of raising us. I try not to name any names in my blog without first asking permission, so I have to go the anonymous route with the others. One single mom got divorced with one small child already and another due any day. I thought about her lots when I would be excited about Scott getting home from work everyday while I was on maternity leave. Amazing strength. I know another mom who was pregnant with twins when she learned that her husband was having an affair. Who could survive the long nights with two newborns all alone? And I know a recently single mom who took both of her boys on an airplane...alone. After recently flying with two kids and a lot of suitcases, I don't know how she did it.
But to all you single parents out there....keep up the good work. You must have incredible strength. You amaze me!
Random Rambles Regarding a Crazy Woman's Biological Clock
What's with this age and being able to forget all the difficulties of newborns? Why is it that at precisely 15 months of age my brain begins to consider the possibility of another baby? Is it because my brother and I are two years apart and I think that is a good amount of separation? (I actually don't anymore, but I'll probably get to that later...no promises though. This is a random ramble!) Or is it that I have returned to work and would rather be at home with my kids? How do people know when they are done having kids? Someone told me that it is when you stop looking at pregnant women with jealousy. That's not it for me. Pregnancy for me is just the route to having the child. Don't get me wrong...I used to be so jealous of pregnant women that I actually hated them. But I'm just not there anymore. Knowing that I became a mother without being pregnant has taken the pressure off of the need to be pregnant. I look enviously at the mothers of newborn babies. And I'm not even a huge fan of newborns...I actually prefer 6 months and up. But today I was looking through a parenting magazine and there were so many new neat ideas from Fisher Price. My brain subconsciously said that I would get this really neat bassinet when I have my next baby. Oh yeah...and that swing looks better than the one we have....and then WHAT AM I DOING? I do know that when Lily was 15 months old I realized that another baby was not going to be provided via the stork and that we were going to have to try IVF again. Once I convinced Scott to return to the fertility clinic we were on our way.
And speaking of convincing Scott....we have different personality types. I think of a question and immediately require an answer. Scott, on the other hand, likes to weigh our options and think things through. His way is probably more sensible, but I have yet to lead him down the wrong path. I do have to give him credit because he was the one that jumped at adopting Lily and he also was the one to decide to put down the registration fee for Jack's IVF cycle. Maybe I should pay more attention to his ways...maybe he really does know what he is doing. Wow....off topic once again. The point of this paragraph was originally to say that Scott is done having kids. We have a perfect family...a beautiful girl and a hilarious boy. They play well together. They love eachother. They are healthy and happy. Why would we want to ask for more? And by asking for more, there is a chance we would end up somewhere unplanned and that our wonderful family could be less wonderful because of it. Scott is also terrified of another post-partum depression experience. I shudder everytime I think of that part, but can't help but think that it was worth it everytime I look into Jack's big blue eyes. (Oh yeah...and I think that the pressures of the biological clock and womanly hormones allow you to forget lots of things; depression, jaundice, vacuum, and stitches where the sun don't shine...just to name a few.) But one thing I do know is that I am no longer desperate to continue this journey to become a mother to more. I have to respect Scott's opinion and I don't want to pressure him into anything he doesn't want. And about the age thing....it looks to me that most parents of three of more have increased the age gap after the first two. I think that's probably because they realize how hard it is to parent two really young kids at the same time. If we do choose to have another I think I would want Jack to be at least three years old before we think about an addition. Things became easier when Lily could put on her own boots and coat...and didn't want to be carried all the time. That being said...we have tons of time to work it out. Maybe in that time I will decide that this sense of peace isn't worth messing with. Maybe Scott will decide that he wants a new baby to cuddle when our kids want to play more than snuggle. We'll have to see.
In the meantime, I will continue to pay the fee to keep my popsicle babies on ice. I can't imagine going through IVF again and really don't think that we will. I also don't want to try naturally month after month. But those two frozen embryos lead me to believe that eventually I would like to give them a chance. The chances of those embryos becoming my babies are slim...the odds aren't great for frozen embryos...but I do know kids who started off that way. I think eventually I would like to take a chance and let the powers that be decide what happens. I worry that opening that door again would be a disaster...but that's just another part of this random ramble.
For now I think I will go peak in on my two sleeping babies and think about how lucky I am. I will put the rest on the back burner for another day.
And speaking of convincing Scott....we have different personality types. I think of a question and immediately require an answer. Scott, on the other hand, likes to weigh our options and think things through. His way is probably more sensible, but I have yet to lead him down the wrong path. I do have to give him credit because he was the one that jumped at adopting Lily and he also was the one to decide to put down the registration fee for Jack's IVF cycle. Maybe I should pay more attention to his ways...maybe he really does know what he is doing. Wow....off topic once again. The point of this paragraph was originally to say that Scott is done having kids. We have a perfect family...a beautiful girl and a hilarious boy. They play well together. They love eachother. They are healthy and happy. Why would we want to ask for more? And by asking for more, there is a chance we would end up somewhere unplanned and that our wonderful family could be less wonderful because of it. Scott is also terrified of another post-partum depression experience. I shudder everytime I think of that part, but can't help but think that it was worth it everytime I look into Jack's big blue eyes. (Oh yeah...and I think that the pressures of the biological clock and womanly hormones allow you to forget lots of things; depression, jaundice, vacuum, and stitches where the sun don't shine...just to name a few.) But one thing I do know is that I am no longer desperate to continue this journey to become a mother to more. I have to respect Scott's opinion and I don't want to pressure him into anything he doesn't want. And about the age thing....it looks to me that most parents of three of more have increased the age gap after the first two. I think that's probably because they realize how hard it is to parent two really young kids at the same time. If we do choose to have another I think I would want Jack to be at least three years old before we think about an addition. Things became easier when Lily could put on her own boots and coat...and didn't want to be carried all the time. That being said...we have tons of time to work it out. Maybe in that time I will decide that this sense of peace isn't worth messing with. Maybe Scott will decide that he wants a new baby to cuddle when our kids want to play more than snuggle. We'll have to see.
In the meantime, I will continue to pay the fee to keep my popsicle babies on ice. I can't imagine going through IVF again and really don't think that we will. I also don't want to try naturally month after month. But those two frozen embryos lead me to believe that eventually I would like to give them a chance. The chances of those embryos becoming my babies are slim...the odds aren't great for frozen embryos...but I do know kids who started off that way. I think eventually I would like to take a chance and let the powers that be decide what happens. I worry that opening that door again would be a disaster...but that's just another part of this random ramble.
For now I think I will go peak in on my two sleeping babies and think about how lucky I am. I will put the rest on the back burner for another day.
Friday, March 11, 2011
It's great to be loved!
Thanks everyone for your concern. We arrived home yesterday afternoon...long before any threat of a tsunami hitting Kauai. Our last day in Kauai was quiet and peaceful. We enjoyed the ocean and Lily and Jack both frolicked in the waves along the beach. It's hard to think of the ocean as a threat that could kill so many. We are always cautious when around the water, but it's hard to believe that something like a tsunami could occur. My thoughts and prayers are with those in Japan right now.
I did think about the possibility of a tsunami while sitting on the beach and looking at the warning system that they have in place. Never in a million years would I have thought that it would happen so close to our vacation...so close to our last walk along the beach. My first thought was of all the wonderful people that we met and who have touched our lives in the last few weeks. Because of the dollar, there were tons of Canadians everywhere we went. The locals and the Kama'aina in Hawaii are so incredibly kind. To think of them in danger was hard.
It sounds like the tsunami calmed before reaching Hawaii and that minimal to no damage was done. The place we stayed at was just outside the tsunami inundation zone but still within the evacuation zone. It's nice to know that we would have been safe if we had been there longer. But it is definitely better to have avoided the worry or danger.
We have received tons of calls and emails from family and friends who were concerned for our safety. I want you all to know we are home....safe and sound. But it sure is great to be loved!
Tsunami 2011
I did think about the possibility of a tsunami while sitting on the beach and looking at the warning system that they have in place. Never in a million years would I have thought that it would happen so close to our vacation...so close to our last walk along the beach. My first thought was of all the wonderful people that we met and who have touched our lives in the last few weeks. Because of the dollar, there were tons of Canadians everywhere we went. The locals and the Kama'aina in Hawaii are so incredibly kind. To think of them in danger was hard.
It sounds like the tsunami calmed before reaching Hawaii and that minimal to no damage was done. The place we stayed at was just outside the tsunami inundation zone but still within the evacuation zone. It's nice to know that we would have been safe if we had been there longer. But it is definitely better to have avoided the worry or danger.
We have received tons of calls and emails from family and friends who were concerned for our safety. I want you all to know we are home....safe and sound. But it sure is great to be loved!
Tsunami 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I'm not Frommer but...
I thought I would do a little review of Kauai in the same fashion as a travel book. Most people head to Oahu when they visit Hawaii. I love Hawaii and would go absolutely anywhere in Hawaii, but I have a soft spot for Kauai.
Speaking of travel books, I am a fan of both Frommer's Kauai and Fodor's Kauai. Both books have tons of insider information about where to stay, where to dine, and which beaches are the best for kids to surfing.
The mountain in the centre of Kauai is the wettest place on Earth. While this scares people away sometimes, it has to rain to be this lush and beautiful. There are four parts to Kauai; the north shore, the Coconut coast, Sunny Poipu, and the west. Usually when it is raining in one part, it is sunny in another. And the south shore (Sunny Poipu) is usually the driest. We were here for 14 days and it rained about three of those days. Even on the rainy days, we spent time in the ocean or cruising the island. We didn't have a single day "ruined" by weather. The first night we were here, the thunder storm we experienced broke some kind of record. It was a great night for it because the kids were so tired from flying that they both slept through it. The time change between here and Saskatchewan is 4 hours. The kids got up at 4:30 am on the first day. We were waking up in paradise and used the opportunity to see our very first Hawaiian sunrise.
We flew Westjet to get here....no offense Air Canada, but I do prefer Westjet. The flight from Vancouver is direct to Lihue, Kauai and it takes just over six hours to get here. You absolutely require a car to explore Kauai, and we have rented all three times from Budget. They have a van that takes you to their counter.
All three times that we have stayed here we have stayed at one of the vacation places of Ellie Knopf and her husband Bret. We love their style. If you are the kind of person who wants pristine marble floors and air conditioning (which is rarely required on Kauai) then this probably is not the place for you. The price is right at $110/nite. (All you who think Hawaii is too expensive...check this out!) This time we stayed in the Park House. The downstairs is occupied by a renter and except for sharing laundry, you would never know she's there. Our part has a kitchen, bathroom, livingroom, and bedroom on the main floor, and then a loft upstairs with another bedroom. Lily took the upstairs bedroom in what she called her tree house. Our bedroom had a large walk in closet which became Jack's bedroom. Except for the fact that there is only one bathroom, there is enough space for two couples. And there was tons of room for two toddlers to run. There are tons of windows for island breezes, a distant view of the ocean and the mountains, the house is shaped like a hexagon. It is eccentric and amazing. We will be back!
Within walking distance is Poipu beach...although walking the ten minutes with slowpoke Jack didn't sound fun so we took the lazy way out and drove. There is a section of the beach that is protected by the reef and it was like a paddling pool right in the ocean. Jack was tall enough to toddle around all by himself. Beware...while this is wonderful for families, it is the only place that we got sunburned. A lot of your body is getting the sun reflecting off of the water. Not far from here is the Sheraton beach which is wonderful too. It is quite a bit deeper and has some waves, but it is usually pretty quiet. We took the kids in with us but didn't let them get too close without us. While talking about beaches, another favorite is Salt Pond which is about 15-20 minutes west by car. There are crabs on the beach for the kids to chase and the water is calm enough to let the kids play. Keep in mind that these beaches are calm in the winter but we have been told that the opposite is true in the summer....but honestly, we will enjoy Saskatchewan summers and only come here in the winter anyway.
Now I didn't get this curvy womanly figure without the love of food. When we were here last time we discovered Bubba's Burgers in Kapaa. We thought it might be too far to drive there with the kids just to eat but we were happy to learn that there is a new one in Poipu. It's so good that they actually know our names because of how many times we've been there. It is laid back and lots of fun...and the food is amazing and reasonably priced. A favorite from before was also Wranglers in Waimea...about 30 minutes from Poipu. It is worth the drive. They are very family friendly and the food is delicious. Try the Kau Kau tin if you are there for lunch. It's a delicious experience. We tried a new place this trip called Kauai Pasta. When you walk in the door the ambience tells you that it will be wonderful. It reminded me of the Italian restaurants in Little Italy, San Francisco. The people were amazing, even when Jack decorated their real menu with crayons. The food was spectacular. They have the best marinara sauce I have ever tasted. I have noticed that often the kid's menu (or Keiki menu in Hawaii) usually has items that are acceptable to kids. That wasn't the case because Lily's pizza was to die for and Jack's pasta was awesome. Scott and I both said our dishes were the best Italian we had ever eaten. Lily is a huge fan of Lappert's ice cream. It is expensive but tasty...and their lemon scone is incredible. They also have great iced coffees and cappucinos. Pizzetta's was a favorite from past visits. Although they no longer deliver, their calzones are the best I've ever had....mmmm, sundried tomato, fresh artichoke, and feta. To die for.
The main event this time (besides Bubba's of course) was the Right Slice. I will never look at another pie with this kind of emotion again. Just the crust alone makes this the best pie I have ever eaten...and what's pie without filling? To give you an idea of how many pies we've eaten....the Tropical Trio, Island Lemon, and Mango Lillikoi (which is Hawaiian for passionfruit) are so good that we actually followed the Right Slice from Farmer's Market to Farmer's Market because we couldn't get enough. But the Island Lime....there are just no words to describe it. Wow! I will fly back to Kauai just for this pie.
Kauai is full of things to do. The Waimea Canyon is beautiful although we didn't make it up there this trip. The Na Pali Coast is like nothing you have ever seen. You can only get there by boat or helicopter, both of which we thought were a bit much for our kids on this trip. If you do decide to go, I recommend the inflatable speed rafts....so fun, and a little scary too. This is where 6 Days/7 Nights was filmed. We visited the Kamokila Hawaiian Village for the first time today. If you are on the skinniest, steepest, bumpiest road, you are on the right one. This is the village where the movie Outbreak was filmed. The kids can run free and you can touch everything. It's a nice place to let the kids go and it was really neat for us too. I learned that Hawaiian women had a special hut to go to during menstruation. They did crafts such as basket weaving or lei making until they were finished and could rejoin society. For the $5 fee, this was totally worth a visit. Right across the road from the entrance to the village is the Opeaka Falls. They are beautiful and a great picture opportunity. We rode the train at Kilohana. This is an old plantation with a beautiful garden. The train ride took us through the plantation and Lily got to feed the pigs. She absolutely loves trains, but I think she liked the pigs the most. Lydgate is an awesome park for kids. There is a sheltered beach, although we never actually swam there. Kamalani Playground was designed by the Keiki of Hawaii. It was built by volunteers and it is by far the best playground ever. There are lots of picnic tables and bathrooms. If you didn't have a napping toddler, you could spend the whole day there. Hanalei is a town in the north. To get there you have to cross a one way bridge so remember to drive with Aloha. It is an old hippy town and has a neat feel to it although there really isn't much to do there. On Friday nights you have to make a stop in Hanapepe between 6 and 9 pm. This is were we first met the Right Slice and there is a great shop called Keiki Kovers with adorable Hawaiian kidswear. Make sure you make it all the way to the end to find this great shop. But anyway, Friday nights are Art Night in Hanapepe. All the galleries are open and the art is fantastic. It's also wonderful to see a tiny little town filled with people and lights. It has a great feel to it. Hanapepe is also the town that Lilo and Stitch was based on, although to add confusion, they say that they live on the Big Island of Hawaii.
There is no big shopping mall on Hawaii. The closest is in Lihue where there is a Macy and Sears. They have really cheap brand name kids clothes so it is worth a stop. The Kukui'ula Market is new to the Poipu area and it has some neat shopping as does the Poipu Shopping Mall. There are lots of places to get cool Hawaiian T-shirts and jewellery. I am a fan of Mikel who designs mostly Honu (turtle) and Plumeria (flower) pieces. I have a Honu necklace from a prior visit and I rarely take it off. Don't forget to fill up on Macadamia Nuts and Chocolate covered Macadamia Nuts. While these are now available in Canada, it just feels right to eat them in Kauai. Oh yeah...and diet Cherry Coke. You've just gotta try it.
I have been to many Luaus both here and on Oahu. Nothing compares to the Smith Family Luau. They actually cook the Kalua Pig in the ground...and the food is amazing. Most luaus have either amazing food or amazing shows and this luau has both. The kids loved the entertainment and Jack didn't once complain even though the night went way past his bedtime. The volcano was a welcome surprise and guest performances from other ethnic groups kept the show exciting. Definitely worth the money...and then some.
Kauai is fantastic and you just have to go. It is perfect for honeymooners, families and retired people. There is something for everyone. And it is great because you don't have to go somewhere where you are worried about the water or crime. The healthcare here is the same as ours and the money, although only one boring color, is basically the same. Check out the links for more information....
Bubba Burgers
Kamokila Hawaiian Village
Park House
Kauai Pasta
Keiki Kovers
Pizzetta
Smith's Family Luau
The Right Slice
Wrangler's Steakhouse
Speaking of travel books, I am a fan of both Frommer's Kauai and Fodor's Kauai. Both books have tons of insider information about where to stay, where to dine, and which beaches are the best for kids to surfing.
The mountain in the centre of Kauai is the wettest place on Earth. While this scares people away sometimes, it has to rain to be this lush and beautiful. There are four parts to Kauai; the north shore, the Coconut coast, Sunny Poipu, and the west. Usually when it is raining in one part, it is sunny in another. And the south shore (Sunny Poipu) is usually the driest. We were here for 14 days and it rained about three of those days. Even on the rainy days, we spent time in the ocean or cruising the island. We didn't have a single day "ruined" by weather. The first night we were here, the thunder storm we experienced broke some kind of record. It was a great night for it because the kids were so tired from flying that they both slept through it. The time change between here and Saskatchewan is 4 hours. The kids got up at 4:30 am on the first day. We were waking up in paradise and used the opportunity to see our very first Hawaiian sunrise.
We flew Westjet to get here....no offense Air Canada, but I do prefer Westjet. The flight from Vancouver is direct to Lihue, Kauai and it takes just over six hours to get here. You absolutely require a car to explore Kauai, and we have rented all three times from Budget. They have a van that takes you to their counter.
All three times that we have stayed here we have stayed at one of the vacation places of Ellie Knopf and her husband Bret. We love their style. If you are the kind of person who wants pristine marble floors and air conditioning (which is rarely required on Kauai) then this probably is not the place for you. The price is right at $110/nite. (All you who think Hawaii is too expensive...check this out!) This time we stayed in the Park House. The downstairs is occupied by a renter and except for sharing laundry, you would never know she's there. Our part has a kitchen, bathroom, livingroom, and bedroom on the main floor, and then a loft upstairs with another bedroom. Lily took the upstairs bedroom in what she called her tree house. Our bedroom had a large walk in closet which became Jack's bedroom. Except for the fact that there is only one bathroom, there is enough space for two couples. And there was tons of room for two toddlers to run. There are tons of windows for island breezes, a distant view of the ocean and the mountains, the house is shaped like a hexagon. It is eccentric and amazing. We will be back!
Within walking distance is Poipu beach...although walking the ten minutes with slowpoke Jack didn't sound fun so we took the lazy way out and drove. There is a section of the beach that is protected by the reef and it was like a paddling pool right in the ocean. Jack was tall enough to toddle around all by himself. Beware...while this is wonderful for families, it is the only place that we got sunburned. A lot of your body is getting the sun reflecting off of the water. Not far from here is the Sheraton beach which is wonderful too. It is quite a bit deeper and has some waves, but it is usually pretty quiet. We took the kids in with us but didn't let them get too close without us. While talking about beaches, another favorite is Salt Pond which is about 15-20 minutes west by car. There are crabs on the beach for the kids to chase and the water is calm enough to let the kids play. Keep in mind that these beaches are calm in the winter but we have been told that the opposite is true in the summer....but honestly, we will enjoy Saskatchewan summers and only come here in the winter anyway.
Now I didn't get this curvy womanly figure without the love of food. When we were here last time we discovered Bubba's Burgers in Kapaa. We thought it might be too far to drive there with the kids just to eat but we were happy to learn that there is a new one in Poipu. It's so good that they actually know our names because of how many times we've been there. It is laid back and lots of fun...and the food is amazing and reasonably priced. A favorite from before was also Wranglers in Waimea...about 30 minutes from Poipu. It is worth the drive. They are very family friendly and the food is delicious. Try the Kau Kau tin if you are there for lunch. It's a delicious experience. We tried a new place this trip called Kauai Pasta. When you walk in the door the ambience tells you that it will be wonderful. It reminded me of the Italian restaurants in Little Italy, San Francisco. The people were amazing, even when Jack decorated their real menu with crayons. The food was spectacular. They have the best marinara sauce I have ever tasted. I have noticed that often the kid's menu (or Keiki menu in Hawaii) usually has items that are acceptable to kids. That wasn't the case because Lily's pizza was to die for and Jack's pasta was awesome. Scott and I both said our dishes were the best Italian we had ever eaten. Lily is a huge fan of Lappert's ice cream. It is expensive but tasty...and their lemon scone is incredible. They also have great iced coffees and cappucinos. Pizzetta's was a favorite from past visits. Although they no longer deliver, their calzones are the best I've ever had....mmmm, sundried tomato, fresh artichoke, and feta. To die for.
The main event this time (besides Bubba's of course) was the Right Slice. I will never look at another pie with this kind of emotion again. Just the crust alone makes this the best pie I have ever eaten...and what's pie without filling? To give you an idea of how many pies we've eaten....the Tropical Trio, Island Lemon, and Mango Lillikoi (which is Hawaiian for passionfruit) are so good that we actually followed the Right Slice from Farmer's Market to Farmer's Market because we couldn't get enough. But the Island Lime....there are just no words to describe it. Wow! I will fly back to Kauai just for this pie.
Kauai is full of things to do. The Waimea Canyon is beautiful although we didn't make it up there this trip. The Na Pali Coast is like nothing you have ever seen. You can only get there by boat or helicopter, both of which we thought were a bit much for our kids on this trip. If you do decide to go, I recommend the inflatable speed rafts....so fun, and a little scary too. This is where 6 Days/7 Nights was filmed. We visited the Kamokila Hawaiian Village for the first time today. If you are on the skinniest, steepest, bumpiest road, you are on the right one. This is the village where the movie Outbreak was filmed. The kids can run free and you can touch everything. It's a nice place to let the kids go and it was really neat for us too. I learned that Hawaiian women had a special hut to go to during menstruation. They did crafts such as basket weaving or lei making until they were finished and could rejoin society. For the $5 fee, this was totally worth a visit. Right across the road from the entrance to the village is the Opeaka Falls. They are beautiful and a great picture opportunity. We rode the train at Kilohana. This is an old plantation with a beautiful garden. The train ride took us through the plantation and Lily got to feed the pigs. She absolutely loves trains, but I think she liked the pigs the most. Lydgate is an awesome park for kids. There is a sheltered beach, although we never actually swam there. Kamalani Playground was designed by the Keiki of Hawaii. It was built by volunteers and it is by far the best playground ever. There are lots of picnic tables and bathrooms. If you didn't have a napping toddler, you could spend the whole day there. Hanalei is a town in the north. To get there you have to cross a one way bridge so remember to drive with Aloha. It is an old hippy town and has a neat feel to it although there really isn't much to do there. On Friday nights you have to make a stop in Hanapepe between 6 and 9 pm. This is were we first met the Right Slice and there is a great shop called Keiki Kovers with adorable Hawaiian kidswear. Make sure you make it all the way to the end to find this great shop. But anyway, Friday nights are Art Night in Hanapepe. All the galleries are open and the art is fantastic. It's also wonderful to see a tiny little town filled with people and lights. It has a great feel to it. Hanapepe is also the town that Lilo and Stitch was based on, although to add confusion, they say that they live on the Big Island of Hawaii.
There is no big shopping mall on Hawaii. The closest is in Lihue where there is a Macy and Sears. They have really cheap brand name kids clothes so it is worth a stop. The Kukui'ula Market is new to the Poipu area and it has some neat shopping as does the Poipu Shopping Mall. There are lots of places to get cool Hawaiian T-shirts and jewellery. I am a fan of Mikel who designs mostly Honu (turtle) and Plumeria (flower) pieces. I have a Honu necklace from a prior visit and I rarely take it off. Don't forget to fill up on Macadamia Nuts and Chocolate covered Macadamia Nuts. While these are now available in Canada, it just feels right to eat them in Kauai. Oh yeah...and diet Cherry Coke. You've just gotta try it.
I have been to many Luaus both here and on Oahu. Nothing compares to the Smith Family Luau. They actually cook the Kalua Pig in the ground...and the food is amazing. Most luaus have either amazing food or amazing shows and this luau has both. The kids loved the entertainment and Jack didn't once complain even though the night went way past his bedtime. The volcano was a welcome surprise and guest performances from other ethnic groups kept the show exciting. Definitely worth the money...and then some.
Kauai is fantastic and you just have to go. It is perfect for honeymooners, families and retired people. There is something for everyone. And it is great because you don't have to go somewhere where you are worried about the water or crime. The healthcare here is the same as ours and the money, although only one boring color, is basically the same. Check out the links for more information....
Bubba Burgers
Kamokila Hawaiian Village
Park House
Kauai Pasta
Keiki Kovers
Pizzetta
Smith's Family Luau
The Right Slice
Wrangler's Steakhouse
Friday, March 4, 2011
Nobody puts baby in the corner
Saskatchewan nurses leave baby in closet
In case you are wondering about the title to this blog, it's a line from Dirty Dancing.
On a less humourous note, there has been a lot of publicity in Saskatchewan regarding two pediatric nurses who left an unconsolable 13 month old baby first in a bathroom and then later in a closet. I don't know either of the nurses nor do I know what else was happening in the pediatric department that night. In their defense, they did ensure the child's safety by placing her in a bouncy chair and later in a stroller. When Jack was in peds I did notice that putting a baby in a bouncy chair was common practise. There was another baby in our room whose mom wasn't there and she spent a lot of time in the bouncy chair. A nurse couldn't hold her constantly and she was happier in the chair than she was lying down in her crib. Another child spent almost the whole night in a baby swing. When Jack was in the hospital I found it hard to leave his side to go pee. Again, I don't know the situation with that baby's parents but I think that they are also at some fault because nothing is more comforting than a parent's touch.
In saying all that, Jack is 15 months today. He had an insane temper tantrum today. He was inconsolable, scared, and angry. At this age babies do not know how to show their emotions appropriately. This causes them to be inconsolable. While I did get tired of his incessant crying, I also felt extremely sorry that he was so upset. I never once thought that I should put him in the bathroom or the closet to calm himself. He needed to be comforted and to feel safe and loved. When he calmed down, I cuddled him and squeezed him tightly. He knew he was loved.
And would I, could I leave my child in the care of either of those nurses? Absolutely not. Maybe they are good enough to care for someone else's kids, but they sure aren't ever going to be responsible for mine. Perhaps they are incredible people; incredible nurses even. I don't know them. I honestly can't say. Perhaps they are in the wrong profession. At the very least, they are on the wrong ward.
I think it takes a pretty wonderful person to be a good nurse (not just a nurse...cause I know some pretty terrible ones). I think it takes an even better person to take care of sick kids. I know cause when my kids are both sick at the same time, I have a really hard time taking care of all their needs.
I have a friend who works on peds and I have commented many times that I don't know how she does it. Kids are needy. She's wonderful with kids and I know she works hard to give them what they need. I was also impressed with the nurses we had when we were in RUH. Don't let this cloud your judgment of the pediatric department. But tread carefully. I know I will.
In case you are wondering about the title to this blog, it's a line from Dirty Dancing.
On a less humourous note, there has been a lot of publicity in Saskatchewan regarding two pediatric nurses who left an unconsolable 13 month old baby first in a bathroom and then later in a closet. I don't know either of the nurses nor do I know what else was happening in the pediatric department that night. In their defense, they did ensure the child's safety by placing her in a bouncy chair and later in a stroller. When Jack was in peds I did notice that putting a baby in a bouncy chair was common practise. There was another baby in our room whose mom wasn't there and she spent a lot of time in the bouncy chair. A nurse couldn't hold her constantly and she was happier in the chair than she was lying down in her crib. Another child spent almost the whole night in a baby swing. When Jack was in the hospital I found it hard to leave his side to go pee. Again, I don't know the situation with that baby's parents but I think that they are also at some fault because nothing is more comforting than a parent's touch.
In saying all that, Jack is 15 months today. He had an insane temper tantrum today. He was inconsolable, scared, and angry. At this age babies do not know how to show their emotions appropriately. This causes them to be inconsolable. While I did get tired of his incessant crying, I also felt extremely sorry that he was so upset. I never once thought that I should put him in the bathroom or the closet to calm himself. He needed to be comforted and to feel safe and loved. When he calmed down, I cuddled him and squeezed him tightly. He knew he was loved.
And would I, could I leave my child in the care of either of those nurses? Absolutely not. Maybe they are good enough to care for someone else's kids, but they sure aren't ever going to be responsible for mine. Perhaps they are incredible people; incredible nurses even. I don't know them. I honestly can't say. Perhaps they are in the wrong profession. At the very least, they are on the wrong ward.
I think it takes a pretty wonderful person to be a good nurse (not just a nurse...cause I know some pretty terrible ones). I think it takes an even better person to take care of sick kids. I know cause when my kids are both sick at the same time, I have a really hard time taking care of all their needs.
I have a friend who works on peds and I have commented many times that I don't know how she does it. Kids are needy. She's wonderful with kids and I know she works hard to give them what they need. I was also impressed with the nurses we had when we were in RUH. Don't let this cloud your judgment of the pediatric department. But tread carefully. I know I will.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Peace
It's January 2007. Scott and I are floating in the ocean off of Poipu Beach in Kauai. We are talking about how our fertility journey is finally coming to an end. We are scheduled to begin IVF when we get back. I am barely hanging on at this point. I should probably be on medication to deal with the depression over our inability to have a family. (I didn't at the time because I didn't want to have to put that on my adoption application if we decided to adopt. FYI...only one international country lists depression as a reason not to allow you to adopt. In Saskatchewan they just want you to be honest.) I actually have an eye twitch that never goes away. I cried in the airport when they asked why I had a nail clipper in my carry on. I fainted on the plane. (You get free food if you faint on the plane.) Thankfully we are on vacation and I have the chance to relax before starting our treatments.
I was in a car accident when I was 16. The vehicle that we were driving rolled and ended up on its side. The other two passengers were thrown from the vehicle. I had to climb up and out of the window to get out. I jumped back down and looked around for my friends. I know I found her but I can't remember seeing her. I just knew I had to run for help.
The brain has an amazing ability to let us forget. I have never been able to remember what she looked like when I found her. All I can remember is looking down and it's black. I remember that the struggle through infertility was really horrible. I became lost in it. I became obsessed. I became someone that I wasn't supposed to be. But once again the brain did what it was supposed to. I can't remember exactly how it felt.
Unfortunately that first IVF failed, but fortunately that helped us to adopt Lily. Everything happened as it should have. I have a wonderful family and I am at peace.
I was sharing some of my story with a new friend the other day and she said that she felt so bad for me. I hope that this blog hasn't made any of you feel bad for me. I am incredibly happy and incredibly lucky. I made it through our journey...I would like to say with flying colors, but okay that just wasn't the case.
But about finding peace. There's no instructions on how to get there. Unfortunately you have to keep fighting through and making incredibly hard decisions about your completely unknown future. The sense of peace will come when you get there. It's just impossible to know when that will be.
I was in a car accident when I was 16. The vehicle that we were driving rolled and ended up on its side. The other two passengers were thrown from the vehicle. I had to climb up and out of the window to get out. I jumped back down and looked around for my friends. I know I found her but I can't remember seeing her. I just knew I had to run for help.
The brain has an amazing ability to let us forget. I have never been able to remember what she looked like when I found her. All I can remember is looking down and it's black. I remember that the struggle through infertility was really horrible. I became lost in it. I became obsessed. I became someone that I wasn't supposed to be. But once again the brain did what it was supposed to. I can't remember exactly how it felt.
Unfortunately that first IVF failed, but fortunately that helped us to adopt Lily. Everything happened as it should have. I have a wonderful family and I am at peace.
I was sharing some of my story with a new friend the other day and she said that she felt so bad for me. I hope that this blog hasn't made any of you feel bad for me. I am incredibly happy and incredibly lucky. I made it through our journey...I would like to say with flying colors, but okay that just wasn't the case.
But about finding peace. There's no instructions on how to get there. Unfortunately you have to keep fighting through and making incredibly hard decisions about your completely unknown future. The sense of peace will come when you get there. It's just impossible to know when that will be.
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