As much as you can handle...

Whether you are a religious person or not I truly believe that in your lifetime you will not be given more heartache than you can handle. Call me impossibly optimistic but this is how I survive.
I started this blog for two reasons. The first was to share my experiences. During our struggles with infertility and post partum depression I felt so alone. I felt like everyone around me was pregnant and that those little bundles of joy were exactly that...joy...to everyone but me. I realized later that I wasn't alone and that no one ever talked about it. So that's why I share. But the second reason was more selfish. I found it incredibly therapeutic. I'm not sure if it was just writing it all out or if it was feeling that by helping others it made my pain worthwhile. But either way, blogging has made me feel better. If you follow regularly, you may have noticed that I blog much less often. I am busier but it's mostly because I have shared most of what I needed to say and I no longer require the therapy. Until today. Today's post is selfish because I need to put it down to get past it in my mind. Life is incredibly hard and unfair. Today I am bitter and I am hoping this will help.
Today I am thinking back to how I felt during my struggle to become mom. I truly believe that I could not have handled more than I was handed during this time. One more disappointment would have pushed me over the edge. I have watched so many people endure similar struggles and I can feel their pain because it is all too familiar. Today I learned of two people who must be much stronger than I am. They have been dealt an incredibly unfair hand. They are required to endure sorrow unlike any I have experienced. And because I know you are only given what you can handle, I know they will survive. They must be incredibly resilient.
I promise to share their story when the time is right. Right now it is not mine to tell. And at this point their story is far from over. I know their story will have a happy ending. It just seems really far away today. If you are religious say a prayer and if you are not send a thought. Because sometimes you just need that extra push to get through.

These are a few of my favorite things

There have been times in my life when I was too sad to see the good things in life. To make up for it I have been trying to watch carefully and not miss another moment. I have always had seasonal affective disorder. The sky turns white, the days shorten, the snow falls and I become sad. That's not going to happen this year. I am going into this winter happier than I remember being in a long time. And I have a new outlook on winter. I am watching people around me who love winter and I am going to catch a ride on their piece of happiness. And every time it snows I am going to catch a snowflake on my mitten and stare at that tiny perfect little design. I just realized today the beauty of the finger drifts crossing the road in front of me. And how much more beautiful the sunrise is against that pure white background.
There is a song about only being happy when it rains. I'm not sure that I'm only happy when it rains but it definitely helps. I love the feeling of it on my face, the smell, the designs in the sidewalk. I love the rippled reflections in puddles and the sound of heavy rain on the roof. But most of all I like to open the sunroof and let it rain on me.
I secretly adore dandelions. They are beautiful yellow splendor. Who are we to call them a weed? They are the most amazing flower. You can smell them. You can eat them. You can make them into wine. Even I can't kill them. And I don't have to water them either. I have taught both of my kids to consider them as flowers and to blow those fuzzy seeds in every direction.
I love water. The ocean. The river. The lake. I love the sound. I love the coolness on a warm day. I love the smiles on everyone's faces. I wish everyone could swim so they can feel the pure joy of swimming on top of a giant wave. Okay, I like it less when it rips off my bikini top. But basically my bikini days are over anyway. Lately I have learned to stare at the glassy top of the river in awe of that perfect reflection. Today I watched the beginning of ice forming as it flowed by.
I used to hate fall. All it meant to me was the end of summer. I realized this year that it is absolutely gorgeous. Leaves falling on a wedding can make the vows that much more romantic. And the sound of leaves rustling in the wind is so relaxing. And the colors. The amazing colors of fall. It's such an amazing season.
And the feeling of love. I can't decide if it's better to realize you love or to be loved. But either way, love is the best feeling of all. Whether a look or a touch, it is the very best. Nothing beats love.
Oh right....and coffee. But I'll save that for another day.

Airport extravaganza

It is officially 7:47 pm. I know this because I am one finger typing (yes I am terrible at texting typing) on my
iPhone. It is much easier to blog on my
computer but it is unavailable because I am sitting in the Calgary airport waiting to board my 5:00 pm flight to Vancouver. Did I mention it is 7:47 pm? My plane is broken. I am hoping to board a 10:00 pm flight although that flight was originally at 9:30 pm so it's kinda hard to know. Let me take a moment to explain that I am not complaining. There is a silver lining to every cloud. This silver lining is that I am sitting in an airport lazy boy, drinking Starbucks and ALONE. I would love to have some company but I am extremely happy that my kids are not joining me in this delay. The silver lining is that they are in the comfort of their own home with daddy and grandma.
I am super excited to be attending a conference in Vancouver this weekend. I truly believe the conference will be phenomenal. However, I was super excited to ride a plane alone. I was gonna listen to music and read a book. I was NOT going to talk to strangers.
But I met this incredible man. He is an addictions specialist who also specializes in ADHD. He works with the correctional services of Canada and is doing a presentation at a pain conference in Vancouver this weekend. He used to do medical missionary work in the Congo. He has 3 biological kids, 4 adopted kids, and 1 foster kid. As if I could listen to headphones when this incredibly interesting man was sitting there.
On to Calgary. Grab a snack and sit beside the worlds biggest complainer. The room is too cold, the sun in his eyes, hotels are too expensive, and he deserves better because he's important. Needless to say, I never asked what he did for a living. Probably because I DIDN'T CARE!!! But I was super excited to be sitting next to him when the announced our five hour delay. Grumpy man's devastated expression....priceless.
On to the food voucher line. Spoke with a nice gentleman who was incredibly sad to be missing his son's soccer practice. I cheered him up by sharing the fact that we are lucky not to have to stand in a food voucher line on a regular basis.
Oh yes, I'm a comedian. Now I've got a crowd. Really nice lady next to me. We start talking about how I'm okay with the delay because I'm gonna relax with a book. Maybe the first time since the kids are born? We start talking about our families. We receive our $10 voucher (seriously...they even work here. Don't they know there isn't anything for $10). Christine asks me to join her for supper. We have a wonderful conversation about my kids, her kids, our careers, our travels, and our wine...which hit the spot!!! Hours pass. Time well spent.
Here's to an unexpected day in the airport and to the wonderful people I met. Who would have thought. All because I chose to make the best of the situation.
I must go watch the planes and drink my Starbucks!!! Bon voyage.