wOKe uP oLD

It's been a long time since I have actually enjoyed my birthday.  Don't get me wrong...I've had some great parties and have spent many of them with people that I love.  It's just that when you turn thirteen you become a teenager, sixteen is your drivers license, voting at eighteen, drinking at nineteen, legal in the US at 21....from then on it's kinda down hill.  Twenty five is closer to thirty than twenty...and it seems to move faster from there. 
I woke up the other day and realized I was no longer a teenager.  I'm assuming that most people figure that out in their twenties...I'm not sure how I missed it.  I am one of those annoying people who thinks she understands teens because she just was one...way over a decade ago.  I'm old.
I woke up and realized I have the body of someone who has had a baby...the wrinkles of a past lifeguard...and that I no longer wash my hair or shave my legs near as often as I used to.  I guess it's because it all doesn't matter that much anymore.  Or does it?  Do I really want to be that person that blends in with the wall paper or would I rather command some attention when I walk into a room.  I don't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, I just want to be relevant. I guess my personality often keeps me from getting completely ignored....but is that enough? 
Nope...I want to be sexy.  Not that freaky sexy that some older women try to achieve...you know, married cougar with kids.  Not exactly what I am looking for.  I just don't want to be a frumpy mommy. So I need to find that new me...the sexiest middle-aged (said with a frown) woman that I can be. 
I have no idea where to start...but here's to me! Wish me luck....

Sticky fingerprints. I don't care. The toys are spread out everywhere.

Don't clean your house for me.  I know you think that I will think you are a better person because I didn't see your messy house.  But honestly, it just makes me think that you just won't be invited to mine.  I am not a clean person by nature.  My bedroom as a teenager looked much like the hoarders on television...okay no dead animals or rats, but still quite impressive.  My urge is to leave the mess and push it aside as required.  I know that is not acceptable so I do clean as needed...but mostly I count on my housecleaner to do the work.  I am grateful that she is so awesome.  I am a full time mom, a full time wife, and a full time pharmacy manager...that leaves me too tired and too busy to clean the toilet.  It is hard enough to find time to pick up the toys...which I rarely do anyway. 
It is instinctual to instantly look around and try to tidy when someone is coming over.  I may do the dishes or pick up some toys, but it takes a lot more than that to fix it up in time.  If you let me see your house at its worst, I am more likely to invite you over to mine.  If I have spare time or a day off, I want to spend it with my family and my friends.  I want to sleep late and hang out in pajamas...I do no want to set the alarm so I can clean before you come over. 
If you stop by unannounced, you will find my house in disarray.  Deal with it.  I do.  I used to get embarrassed...now I just think that if you don't like it, stay away. I used to clean for guests and didn't want anyone to see my messy house.  Now I let my housecleaner do the work and hope it makes it through the week.  FYI...my housecleaner comes on Wednesdays so come over Thursday if you want my house to be clean. 
Oh yeah...and stop cleaning up so much.  You have to already know that everyone else cleans right before you come over.  Stop obsessing.  Let's change the expectation so we can spend more time doing the things we love....and less time mopping the floor.  It's a revolution!!

Single Moms

One day on the way home from work I heard about an accident on the radio.  It sounded like someone had been killed and they were redirecting traffic away from the area.  Like I am sure everyone does, you think for a moment about how that is sad and then kind of let it go while hoping that it wasn't anyone that you know.  I followed my normal route home without another thought about it and picked up the kids from daycare.  Scott and I have a routine where he usually gets home about 15 minutes before I do and starts supper.  I pick up the kids and then we can eat earlier and have a bit more family time before they're off to bed. 
I hit the garage door opener and started to drive into the garage when I noticed that Scott's car wasn't there.  Keeping in mind that we usually get home relatively close to each other, there really wasn't a reason to worry.  But instantly my thoughts went to the car accident in the city.  While it wasn't his usual route, it is possible that he went that way to get home.  My heart stopped and my eyes welled up.  I had two kids in the car and Lily is the most intuitive kid on the planet.  She exclaims, "What, mom?" and I realize that we're still sitting in the garage.  I take the kids into the house and immediately check the phone for messages.  No blinking light.  I am trying to keep it together but my mind keeps going to what it would be like to be a single mother.  I know that is crazy because he showed up a few minutes later after running an errand after work and all was well.
But in that moment I realized how difficult raising two kids alone was for my mother.  Most single moms become single moms due to circumstance.  It wasn't what they had planned, but suddenly all the responsibility is on them.  They no longer have that person to bounce things off of.  Do you think Lily eats enough vegetables?  And they never really get that break that everyone desperately needs. If I want to go out with friends, I just make sure Scott is around and off I go.  If I want to fly with my family to Hawaii, Scott takes one kid and I take the other...and off we go.  If one of us can't get someone to bed, we let the other one try.  If one of us it at our wits end, the other one can step in.  If you are sick, the other one can take care of the kids till you are better.  We have two incomes and two sets of ideas. 
There are tons of single moms out there (single dads too!) that I appreciate but right now I am thinking about four in particular.  My mom had to go back to school to get a teaching degree so that she could support her family.  She took us camping even though she really didn't know how to pull the trailer.  She tried really hard to keep the live Christmas tree tradition going.  And I think she did a pretty good job of raising us.  I try not to name any names in my blog without first asking permission, so I have to go the anonymous route with the others.  One single mom got divorced with one small child already and another due any day.  I thought about her lots when I would be excited about Scott getting home from work everyday while I was on maternity leave.  Amazing strength.  I know another mom who was pregnant with twins when she learned that her husband was having an affair.  Who could survive the long nights with two newborns all alone?  And I know a recently single mom who took both of her boys on an airplane...alone.  After recently flying with two kids and a lot of suitcases, I don't know how she did it. 
But to all you single parents out there....keep up the good work.  You must have incredible strength. You amaze me!

Random Rambles Regarding a Crazy Woman's Biological Clock

What's with this age and being able to forget all the difficulties of newborns?  Why is it that at precisely 15 months of age my brain begins to consider the possibility of another baby?  Is it because my brother and I are two years apart and I think that is a good amount of separation?  (I actually don't anymore, but I'll probably get to that later...no promises though.  This is a random ramble!) Or is it that I have returned to work and would rather be at home with my kids?  How do people know when they are done having kids?  Someone told me that it is when you stop looking at pregnant women with jealousy.  That's not it for me.  Pregnancy for me is just the route to having the child.  Don't get me wrong...I used to be so jealous of pregnant women that I actually hated them.  But I'm just not there anymore.  Knowing that I became a mother without being pregnant has taken the pressure off of the need to be pregnant.  I look enviously at the mothers of newborn babies.  And I'm not even a huge fan of newborns...I actually prefer 6 months and up.  But today I was looking through a parenting magazine and there were so many new neat ideas from Fisher Price.  My brain subconsciously said that I would get this really neat bassinet when I have my next baby.  Oh yeah...and that swing looks better than the one we have....and then WHAT AM I DOING?  I do know that when Lily was 15 months old I realized that another baby was not going to be provided via the stork and that we were going to have to try IVF again.  Once I convinced Scott to return to the fertility clinic we were on our way.
And speaking of convincing Scott....we have different personality types.  I think of a question and immediately require an answer.  Scott, on the other hand, likes to weigh our options and think things through.  His way is probably more sensible, but I have yet to lead him down the wrong path.  I do have to give him credit because he was the one that jumped at adopting Lily and he also was the one to decide to put down the registration fee for Jack's IVF cycle.  Maybe I should pay more attention to his ways...maybe he really does know what he is doing.  Wow....off topic once again.  The point of this paragraph was originally to say that Scott is done having kids.  We have a perfect family...a beautiful girl and a hilarious boy.  They play well together.  They love eachother.  They are healthy and happy.  Why would we want to ask for more? And by asking for more, there is a chance we would end up somewhere unplanned and that our wonderful family could be less wonderful because of it.  Scott is also terrified of another post-partum depression experience.  I shudder everytime I think of that part, but can't help but think that it was worth it everytime I look into Jack's big blue eyes.  (Oh yeah...and I think that the pressures of the biological clock and womanly hormones allow you to forget lots of things; depression, jaundice, vacuum, and stitches where the sun don't shine...just to name a few.) But one thing I do know is that I am no longer desperate to continue this journey to become a mother to more.  I have to respect Scott's opinion and I don't want to pressure him into anything he doesn't want.  And about the age thing....it looks to me that most parents of three of more have increased the age gap after the first two.  I think that's probably because they realize how hard it is to parent two really young kids at the same time.  If we do choose to have another I think I would want Jack to be at least three years old before we think about an addition.  Things became easier when Lily could put on her own boots and coat...and didn't want to be carried all the time.  That being said...we have tons of time to work it out.  Maybe in that time I will decide that this sense of peace isn't worth messing with.  Maybe Scott will decide that he wants a new baby to cuddle when our kids want to play more than snuggle.  We'll have to see.
In the meantime, I will continue to pay the fee to keep my popsicle babies on ice.  I can't imagine going through IVF again and really don't think that we will.  I also don't want to try naturally month after month.  But those two frozen embryos lead me to believe that eventually I would like to give them a chance.  The chances of those embryos becoming my babies are slim...the odds aren't great for frozen embryos...but I do know kids who started off that way.  I think eventually I would like to take a chance and let the powers that be decide what happens.  I worry that opening that door again would be a disaster...but that's just another part of this random ramble.
For now I think I will go peak in on my two sleeping babies and think about how lucky I am.  I will put the rest on the back burner for another day.

Dear New Mom:

I don't care how you become a mother...adoption, the "good old fashion way", or through fertility treatments.  It doesn't matter how much you wanted it, there are some things you need to know.  These are the things that no one tells you because they are too busy pretending that they didn't happen to them.  Stop pretending.  Let's make the expectations more like they should be and share the fact that being a mom isn't always easy....


Dear New Mom,
Becoming a new mom is emotional.  You will be filled with love, fear, guilt, and joy.  When these hit all at the same time it can be a bit much.  You will be amazed at your ability to love your child.  You will be terrified that you won't know what to do when they need you.  You will be sure that you won't do everything right.  And you will feel incredible joy.  There will be moments when you think you made the wrong decision and you will crave the ease of your life before children.  (Yes, even those of you who want this so badly for so many years.  It may seem crazy but it is true.)  It is overwelming to be needed 24 hours a day and to not know for sure when your baby will want to eat again, if they are getting enough food, and when they need to sleep.  There is a such thing as post-adoption blues and it can progress into post-adoption depression.  Some of it is hormonal...not unlike when breastfeeding mothers leak when they hear babies cry, an adoptive mother experiences a rush of hormones when they become a mother.  The rest is the same as post-partum depression...sleep deprivation, loneliness, lack of alone time, insecurity.  It is normal to feel guilty about craving some of the ease of your childless life...even if you wanted it for a long time.  Do not add to your guilt by thinking you do not have the right to feel this. 
The first six weeks of having a newborn are wonderful because you have this amazing bundle of joy to cuddle and love.  A very honest friend saved my life when she told me in those first weeks that it gets much better at the six week mark. Yes, it's true.  Those first weeks are so hard...no sleep, painful breastfeeding, so much crying, no routine.  It all gets somewhat better at the six week mark...so now there is something to look forward to.  It gets better again at the three month mark and continually improves after that.  Don't worry...you will sleep again.  I have no idea when because you get used to your sleepless nights and don't really notice when it improves.  If you have other children in your house, you are going to feel guilty that you can't be as good of a mother to them during this time.  Remember that you get to spend extra time with them during this maternity leave.  The youngest will get the least amount of time.   Most importantly...this too shall pass.  Even though it is a difficult time, you will look back on it fondly.  Your baby was so cute and cuddly.  A new routine will appear and you will no longer remember what it was like to live without this child.
For now just survive. 
Lindsay

Lasts

Jack turned one last week.  Although the possibility is there, I really think we are done having kids.  I can't help but think that we are blessed to be the parents of two beautiful, funny, healthy, happy kids.  I'm honestly scared to rock the boat.  There was a time in my life that I was so sure that I was never going to have this opportunity.  Who am I to ask for more?  There are no guarantees that we are finished...but like I said before, I really think we are done. 
Watching your kids grow fills your life with firsts.  Their first bath, first tooth, first word, first step... But lately I have been thinking about lasts.  I am trying not to mourn the lasts but to instead take a moment to celebrate them.  It seems like lasts sneak by without anyone noticing them.  You are amazed to look back and realize that the last of something already occurred without you paying any attention.
I never knew that my last IVF injection was my last.  I had no idea that it was going to work and that we would be finally finished with such a discouraging yet exciting time of our lives.  I took a million pregnancy tests with Jack, every time enjoying the appearance of that beautiful pink line.  I had no idea he would be born two weeks early and that my last positive test was actually my last.  I have heard that for "normal" people often their first test is their last...I however fondly disagree.  I tested the entire nine months I was pregnant feeling the same excitement grow as the line appeared quicker and darker.  
I have no idea exactly when Lily took her very last bottle.  I do know that Jack is getting close.  It is funny that we want to wean our kids to move them forward onto sippy cups and then cups without lids, never taking the chance to notice that their independence has grown and they no longer need us to rock them as they drink their milk.  I celebrated Jack's last nursing because it had been such a struggle, but I know there were good moments.  I breastfed Jack while sitting on main street at the Western Development Museum.  It is one of my few fond memories of breastfeeding.  We go there a lot.  I had no idea that breastfeeding would be long over before I returned to main street with my formula fed baby.   Jack no longer needs to be rocked to sleep at night.  I have no idea how that happened.  It is so nice to be able to shorten the bedtime routine, but I know I am going to miss those moments of having him or Lily asleep in my arms.  I have no idea when they both started solids, but I know they no longer need me to feed them their baby cereal.  I remember the moment Lily learned to walk, but I can't remember the last time she used her fantastically fast crawling abilities to get around.  We are headed that way with Jack.  I will be so excited to see him walk.  I know he wants to walk so badly.  But I will miss the determined way he makes every movement as he crawls and that tiny little bum shaking its way across the floor. 
I know that moving forward is the way we live life.  I know that we need to celebrate our children's successes and independence.   I just want to stop taking for granted the struggles of parenting toddlers and infants.  I know already that I am going to love watching my kids become adults...but boy am I going to miss this!!

I wouldn't change a thing

The whole time we were trying to have a family I wanted to get pregnant so badly every month.  And when our first IVF failed I was incredibly sad that those particular embryos were never going to be my babies.  At the time I wanted it all to be over so badly.  I didn't want to have to try so hard to get the thing that came so easily to many others. 

I wouldn't change a thing.

If I was given the opportunity to go back and get pregnant that first month, I wouldn't take it.  I would never take away all that pain if it meant changing anything about the family we became.

I am the luckiest person in the world.  I am luckier than those people who got pregnant the first month because I beat the odds.  I have the most wonderful family.

I wouldn't change a thing.

This weekend was absolutely crazy.  I think there is a small part of me that loves chaos...okay, well maybe it's not that small.  This weekend we had pseudo-Christmas with my family.   We attended Lily's gymnastics gala.  We had a Jack's 1st birthday celebration.  It is finally quiet in my house and while I am absolutely exhausted, all I can think about is how lucky I am.

I can't believe Jack is one already.  How is it even possible that a year could fly by so quickly? Why is my tiny infant so big? And why is he learning to walk?  Jack has amazing personality for a one year old.  He loves music and loves to dance.  He purposely tries to be funny to make you laugh.  He says "ahhh" after he takes a big drink of milk.  He makes kissy noises to get your attention.  And he cuddles...mmm.  He has the biggest brightest blue eyes and thick golden hair.  I was so sure I wouldn't be able to love him as much as I love Lily...but I fell in love with him the moment he was born.

I can't believe my beautiful baby girl had her first performance.  She's so cute that you want to keep squeezing her...even though she rolls her eyes and says, "But mom, I'm a big girl."  She is so gentle and sweet.  I wasn't sure she'd be able to go out in front of all those people, but she was fantastic.  I am so incredibly proud of the person she is becoming.  She loves anything artistic...dancing, singing, drawing, painting.  And she is  wonderful at it.  Her mischievous brown eyes are so dark they are almost black and her silky black hair shimmers in the sun.  No one is able to love their child more than I love her.

As I listen to the silence in our house while they sleep, I know in my heart that this is the mom I was meant to be.  I wouldn't change a thing.

According to...the kindness of strangers

Everyone always has the perfect advice.  Okay, even I am guilty of my personal suggestions from time to time.  But there is nothing worse than the advice or criticism of a stranger.  Lily was born on a Saturday and we were finally released from the hospital on Monday.  We drove as far as Regina and stayed with Scott's parents until Wednesday.  On the way home we realized that we needed stuff.  Babies need stuff...lots of it.  At that point we had a car seat, stroller, bassinet, a few sleepers, a small pack of diapers, and two cases of baby formula.  We were getting there but definitely needed some more stuff.  We decided to stop at Toys 'R Us on our way by.  We were feeling overwelmed by the baby section and Lily was crying.  She was officially 4 days old, we had just driven three hours, and she was literally with strangers (us).  Let's cut her some slack.  On the other side of the aisle were two women.  I overheard them saying that we were terrible new parents for taking such a small baby out to a germy, drafty, bright store.  And I felt immediately guilty.  Wow...it was only day 4 (day 2 out of the hospital) and I was already failing my baby.  It took months to get my confidence back.
The same thing happens when you are struggling with infertility.  Everyone knows that the moment you get married, everyone wants to know when the baby is coming...and they ask relentlessly, year after year, until something finally happens.  Once you have one, they immediately begin asking about plans for the next one...even if the first one is adopted.  Over the years I have received so many inconsiderate comments.  In some cases I know the person meant well, but it is tactful to be careful with the infertile.  I was told that I was going to regret putting my career ahead of having a family.  I was told I wasn't getting any younger.  I was told to relax, to go on vacation, and to have sex more.  A well-meaning co-worker who has two wonderful kids told me to just enjoy the time I had sleeping in and living my life.  I was told to try fertility treatments, herbals, massage, accupuncture, witch craft.  I was told not to do fertility treatments because they are against God's will.  I was told it would happen if I was just patient.  And of course, once we had adopted Lily we were told that everyone who adopts gets pregnant right after.  Just to clear that one up...Jack was created by IVF not adoption.  The best thing to say to someone struggling with infertilty is that you are there for them if they need anything.  Don't say that you know how they feel.  Don't think of a witty comment to take their pain away.  And when they do want to talk, just listen.  You aren't supposed to understand.
But back to the general inconsiderateness of strangers...when my daughter is standing in the cart, I don't need you to tell her to sit down...or to tell me that it is dangerous.  Trust me, we both know these things already.  I have just decided that it is not a battle that I want to battle that day.  If my kid has his coat done up and we are indoors, I probably already know that he's going to get hot.  I probably just haven't got around to unzipping him yet.  If my kids are eating fries, I probably feed them vegetables on another day of the week.  If my kid has a runny nose, I already know it, I just ran out of tissue because it has already been running for months.  And if my kid isn't wearing mitts and it is really cold outside, it's because I am teaching her a lesson for having a temper tantrum when I tried to put them on two minutes ago.  I know I am not perfect...so please do not point out the obvious.
Remember that everything we say has an impact...and remember that one comment in Toy 'R Us has stayed with me for over three years.  So...easy does it, smarty pants.

Ho'omaika'i 'Ana Ma Ka Hiki 'Ana Mai O Kau Kaikamahine

We were finally there.  We had driven the whole way without stopping.  Scott was fairly comfortable in our Jetta but because he is so tall, he always needs to get out every couple hours to stretch his legs.  It had been 8 hours without a stretch.  He was really stiff.  I hopped out and took off running.  Halfway across the parking lot I realized I had forgotten my camera and went running back.  Scott was finally out of the car and stretching.  I took off running again.  I had no idea which way to go and once I finally found a sign I realized we were going the wrong way.  I turned around to run the other direction and realized that Scott was hobbling toward me.  I ran by him in the other direction so he turned around to follow.  I yelled, "Hurry up!" on my way by.  I knew he was going as fast as he could, but this was important.  We found the elevator and took it to the right floor.  Finally we found the room and there she was.  This tiny, beautiful baby girl with an incredible head of black hair.  We both wanted to pick her up but both of us were too scared.  Scott finally picked her up and cuddled her.  I know at this moment he became her father.  I have the most wonderful picture of him feeding her for the first time.   The look on his face says it all....love, disbelief, complete amazement.  The hospital had no idea how to deal with adoptions.  They didn't have an extra room so Lily was staying with her birth mom.  It was really hard to leave the hospital that night.  At the hotel, I couldn't sleep.  I knew it was probably the last time I could have a good night sleep, but something didn't feel right.  I knew that Scott had become Lily's father that night, but because Lily's birth mom was cuddling her that night, I had not become her mother.  We spent the next day at the hospital.  Both Lily and her birth mom were ready to leave, but no one wanted to discharge us because it was the weekend and they wanted the hospital social worker to see us and make sure we weren't doing anything illegal.  It was a wonderful/horrible day.  Our daughter had been born and we got to spend the day with her, but her room was her birth mom's room.  She had just given birth and she had two strangers sitting in her room all day.  Our other option was to sit in the waiting room which was drafty and loud.  We went back and forth between the two feeling awkward in both.  We were anxious and Lily picked up on it.  She wouldn't sleep much and cried lots.  I was still happy but scared. Again we had to leave her at the hospital with her birth mom for the night.  Another sleepless night but at least we knew we could take her home tomorrow.  For now she was safe with her mother, but still that mother was not me.  The next day Lily had a bit of a fever so we had to make sure it was down before we could go. The social worker came and apologized for the awkwardness at the hospital.  And finally it was time to go! We placed our baby in her car seat for the first time.  She was so tiny.  We walked to the hospital entrance with Lily's birth mom.  We said our good byes to the kindest selfless woman I had ever met and walked to our car.  As I placed the car seat in our car I had a rush of emotion.  I got into the car and closed the door.  I didn't realize how hard I was crying until Scott asked me if I was okay.  And then I realized....that was the moment that I became a mother.

Phew...that went fast

Today was one of those days that you dream of when you want to be a mother.  Today was Lily's first day of school.  Yes, she is only three but there is a Pre-K program here where they go every morning and it's at the actual elementary school.  So, this is the school she will attend for a long time.  She was so excited.  I was pretty excited, a bit nervous, and a little sad.  We dropped her off and she gave us each a kiss and a little wave.  And off we went.  You always want your kids to be happy more than anything so you are always incredibly happy for them when they can walk into a new situation with ease.  But every time they show you that they are a bit more independent, for just a moment there is a twinge of recognition that they need you just a tiny bit less.  Then the moment passes and you are filled with pride.  Great job, Lily!!