World's Best Mom

I am the world's best mom. Well, I was. For about five minutes today. I was also one of the world's worst moms. And then back to world's best mom again. Today I spent the morning playing with my kids. I am off for the two weeks that my kids have off at Christmas (for the first time ever) and I was very happy to be with them all morning. I was still the world's best mom when I took them to see Santa even though the mall was crazy. It went downhill very fast from there. The world's worst mom took two kids to the grocery store on December 23rd. We were three of hundreds of people who oddly also thought that this was a great day to shop. The crowds...and my son's need to constantly drive over little old ladies with the cart were very trying on my patience. I was grumpy for the rest of the afternoon. I may have told the kids that Santa saw them and that they better be good until Christmas because I'm thinking they might be close to getting on the naughty list. Then world's best mom came back and played until bedtime. 

Moms are incredibly hard on themselves. My daughter is extremely picky. By the end of the meal I either feel guilty because I forced my child to gag through eating that meat. Or I feel guilty because I let her get away with not eating meat and now she's not going to be healthy. 

Motherhood began for me by adopting the most amazing baby girl. In the hospital her birth mom was better at swaddling her than I was...and so it began. That self doubt that all mothers feel. I thought it would go away when we left the hospital. Or when we got settled at home. But oddly now I think that it's just what motherhood does. 

I had postpartum depression when my son was born. There are about two months of his life that I have very little recollection of. He doesn't remember this at all. But I still beat myself up over it all the time. And even now, when I know that both my children would pick me over any other mom in a heart beat, I look at other new moms and I wonder why I couldn't have been like them. 

I have an incredibly crazy job (which I love). Often other moms will tell me that they don't know how I do it. Some are impressed with my ability to manage all this. But others are just judging. I once read a post on Facebook about moms who bring their cell phones to their kids' activities. And about how terrible they are. I think this whole judgment thing needs to go. Don't you think I'm hard enough on myself? And besides I'm actually able to make it to all of my kids' events cell phone in tow while you are off sitting in an office somewhere in your 9-5 job. That is unless I'm traveling. Then I miss everything. But I only travel once a month...right?!? My husband says it's more. 

And so it continues. Best mom bakes with kids. Worst mom has no imagination and is terrible at playing barbies. Best mom travels with her kids. Worst mom takes them out of school for a week and needs to check her priorities. 

How about we all make a New Year's resolution to stopping judging? If we can say that a kid is loved and well taken care of, maybe it doesn't matter that they came to school with jam on their face...again. Maybe it's okay we forgot to do our homework this one time. Or to not comb her hair just this once...again. 

My New Year's resolution is going to be to forgive myself. For the postpartum depression. For forgetting the mitts yesterday. For yelling in the car. And instead concentrate on the cuddles we shared this morning. And the movie we are going to watch together tonight. 

Maybe...just maybe, if we can all do this, moms everywhere will celebrate their successes. Because a Toy Story band aid and mom's magic kisses is all they really need. 

A life well lived

How many times have you seen the quote, "Live life to the fullest"?  I know we all try to follow it, but sometimes actual life gets in the way.  I do know one man who truly lived life to the fullest.  A man who filled a spot in my heart that became empty with the loss of my own father and grandfathers.  For everyone, living life to the fullest means something different.  But to Papa it meant loving, learning, and embracing.  I think I learned more from this man in our visits than I did in my whole university career.  His stories were like life lessons that were put into my very soul without having to learn them on my own.  Whether it was the story of how he met his soul mate and how it changed his life.  Or what to tell the contractor that was working on our basement. Or his view point on a war in which the white men were scalped by the native people...and how we really have to examine events like that because even though scalping is cruel and dramatic, it meant so much more to the people who were doing it.  And maybe those being scalped shouldn't have been there even though it shaped our current society.  He taught me to examine both sides of history and to actually feel what it would have been like to be on either side.  And when we had our many talks about my new job and how scary it was to once again be jumping into an entirely new role, he had tons of pieces of advice on how to address each part right down to my favorite, "Wear a low cut dress to that meeting.  A beauty like you will really get their attention."  Or his love of the Western Development Museum.  A place I had been a hundred times before.  It became a completely different adventure learning about it from the perspective of someone who had seen many of those things with his own very eyes.  And he didn't just tell those stories.  He spoke with such passion that I often feel like I lived his stories as well.  When we named our son Jack, Papa was so excited.  When Scott told him the news on the phone, I could hear him from across the hospital room.  I am so glad that we were able to give him that moment.  And every time he was around the kids, he would tell everyone in sight that Jack was named after  him.  He would show off both of our kids to anyone who would listen. Papa loved.  He loved life.  He loved family.  He loved a good story.  Granny made his eyes sparkle in a way that every woman wants to be adored.  He lost that sparkle on the day that she died.  It became a bit of my own personal vendetta to bring that sparkle back even if it was just for moments in time. I saw that sparkle while he watched the owl at the zoo.  I teased him that I could take him to a real sod house and I saw that sparkle when he saw that house at the museum.  But seeing our kids brought that sparkle to his eyes each and every time.  I am so happy that our kids got to know this wonderful man.  No matter what kind of day he had or how he was feeling, he would always want a giant bear hug from our kids. He touched their hearts like he touched mine.  I am so happy that I had the opportunity to know Papa.  And I can't wait until my own Jack is older so I can share with him all the reasons why we chose his name.
Letting go of someone so wonderful is a challenge.  But it gives me a sense of peace to know it was a life well lived.

11/09/11

Today is an amazingly emotional day.  And not because of anyone I know personally.  The day began with that feeling of someone staring at you until you open your eyes.  Lily is my personal alarm clock.  And no matter how many times I have been awakened that way the moment I open my eyes and see those beautiful brown eyes looking back my heart races and I say, "What's wrong?"  and everyday she says to me, "Mom, the sun's up."  And like I'm sure every parent reacts, I look at my watch to see if I should say, "Get back to bed" or if I should turn on the television and hope she's quiet for a few more minutes of precious sleep.  Or if it's actually time to get up.  Today was a television morning.  And of course the first thing on was a picture of the twin towers.
I remember that morning.  I know where I was just like everyone knows where they were.  I was in bed.  My phone rang and I didn't answer it.  And then it rang again immediately after so I rolled over and picked it up.  On the other end was my brother.  "Turn on the television."  I say, "Which channel?" and he says, "Doesn't really matter."  My brother and I have an interesting relationship.  We don't talk often and usually not about anything important but we both know that if we needed each other, one of us would race to the other's side in an instant.  My brother never phones in the morning.  My brother is not awake if he's not at work in the morning.  This was weird.  I turned on the television and immediately saw the twin towers.  Only one plane had crashed at this point and I had no idea what was going on.  We sat in silence and watched the second plane hit.   He was upset. I was upset.  In that instant we knew the world had changed.
Here we are on the anniversary of that day and I am still amazed how all those people came together to try to rescue the people in the towers.  Without fear or selfishness, they ran into danger in hopes of doing something good.  Amazing.
And while I am trying to remember all the great things that people did that day while trying not to be overwelmed by the absolute sadness of all that was lost, I realize that two provinces over there was a miracle today.  A three year old boy who was kidnapped four days earlier is returned relatively unharmed.  I am not fooled into believing that life will be the same for that boy, but honestly I did not believe there would be a good outcome to this horrible situation.  Every time I thought about that boy over the last few days I pictured my own children.  And every time I saw his parents I felt their pain.  And every parent will now live in fear just a tiny bit more when they tuck their child in every night.  That sense of peace knowing that your child is safely asleep in their own bed has been stolen.
What an amazingly incredibly happy but sad day.  I got through it all because I spent the day in a corn maze chasing my kids and hoping that Jack would slow down before he got lost.  We ate at the Berry Barn and played in the sand beside the river.  I painted my toe nails the color Lily chose and painted hers every color we own.  And we are making Lily and Jack's favorite food.  Ribs.  And every five minutes Lily says, "I smell ribs. When do we eat?"  And I realize life is worth it.  The good and the bad.

It is all worth it!!

Three year old BC boy found safe

Niceness....to a fault

I'm one of those people who is too nice.  Don't think I am tooting my own horn here.  In my case it's actually a personality flaw.  And I know where it comes from.  My mom.  Just so you know, if you ever are alone on Christmas or Thanksgiving, her house is always open.  Even if she would rather have a quiet family gathering, it will never happen because her instinct is to include anyone and everyone who may be alone on the holidays.  Now I don't know if mine is inherited or a learned behaviour...but either way, if you need someone to bake cookies for your sale, sell tickets, or babysit your kids, I'm there.
If we are close friends and you are reading this and wondering if I am talking about you, I'm not.  I still have the inability to say no to you but I don't mind because it is reciprocated.  I'm talking about the person I never see who wants me to come to their birthday party.  The lady with no friends that I have nothing in common with.  The co-worker selling Amway who has no supporters. Not only will I attend your party but out of fear that you won't get presents, I will bring the biggest one.  And the lady I have nothing in common with will be invited to my home on a regular basis because she appears to be lonely.  And to the guy selling Amway...I would love to continue buying your stuff on a regular basis even though it is super expensive.  Did you know you can order toilet paper from Amway?
You're probably wondering why this is a concern for me.  And that reason is because I only have so much time in a day.  I have two wonderfully busy kids.  A husband who would like some attention from time to time.  And I manage a busy pharmacy full time.   I have very little spare time and I have a hard time trying to juggle all the things I want to do.  Don't get me wrong.  I love being nice.  I actually feel incredibly guilty if I say no.  So much so that it is often better to just do it than it is to deal with feeling bad about saying no way past when the "favour" would be over.   I love to put on the baby shower, the bridal shower, the surprise party, bake the cookies, and the cupcakes, and come in on my day off to open the pharmacy.  I really do.  It feels good to be nice.  It just sucks when I realize that I just spent all that time away from my family and that I missed the park with my kids while I quickly ran into work.
And there you have it...niceness to a fault.  And what will I do about it?  Nothing.  Cause that would be mean.  And I just don't have it in me.  

wOKe uP oLD

It's been a long time since I have actually enjoyed my birthday.  Don't get me wrong...I've had some great parties and have spent many of them with people that I love.  It's just that when you turn thirteen you become a teenager, sixteen is your drivers license, voting at eighteen, drinking at nineteen, legal in the US at 21....from then on it's kinda down hill.  Twenty five is closer to thirty than twenty...and it seems to move faster from there. 
I woke up the other day and realized I was no longer a teenager.  I'm assuming that most people figure that out in their twenties...I'm not sure how I missed it.  I am one of those annoying people who thinks she understands teens because she just was one...way over a decade ago.  I'm old.
I woke up and realized I have the body of someone who has had a baby...the wrinkles of a past lifeguard...and that I no longer wash my hair or shave my legs near as often as I used to.  I guess it's because it all doesn't matter that much anymore.  Or does it?  Do I really want to be that person that blends in with the wall paper or would I rather command some attention when I walk into a room.  I don't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, I just want to be relevant. I guess my personality often keeps me from getting completely ignored....but is that enough? 
Nope...I want to be sexy.  Not that freaky sexy that some older women try to achieve...you know, married cougar with kids.  Not exactly what I am looking for.  I just don't want to be a frumpy mommy. So I need to find that new me...the sexiest middle-aged (said with a frown) woman that I can be. 
I have no idea where to start...but here's to me! Wish me luck....

Humanity Insanity

How can there possibly be this huge spectrum of personalities?  Today this adorable older gentleman bought roses for all the girls in my pharmacy.  We hadn't done anything special for him.  He just wanted to show his appreciation for everyhing we had previously done.  Today this other less than adorable older gentleman called me autocratic (which I honestly thought was a made up word until later) when I wouldn't give him more medication than the doctor had allowed.  After much badgering back and forth, I explained that our conversation was over.  He could choose to leave or he could keep trying to convince me to break the law to save him money.  However, I did explain that if he did continue to loudly and rudely express his distaste for my decision, he would be asked to leave and not return.  His answer to that was, "Screw You" which I didn't take kindly to and banned him from the pharmacy.  In the ROYGBIV of rainbows (you know....red orange yellow green blue indigo violet) one of them was definitely red and the other my favorite color; violet.  I was assured by the staff that he had caused them grief in the past and had actually made a few of the staff members cry.  But even so...is it possible that he is just mean?  He has a wife...why did she choose him if he is always so crabby?  Is there more to him that for some reason we have been unable to see?  Are some people just less nice?
So I guess my goal is to be the violet kind of person...and try to avoid being in the presence of (and actually just being) a red.  Perhaps we can all learn from my adorable older gentleman and send out some random acts of kindness so when others look back on their day, they can see the shades of purple that are hiding those shades of red.
And on another random tangent....when it looks like life has handed you the impossible, remember this.

Sometimes you have to reach for the mystery dessert.

My favorite dessert of all time is Baklava.  I remember the first time I ever had a bite of that gooey dessert.  My life was forever changed.  And given the opportunity to reach for Baklava, I'm sure I would pick it almost every time.  But what if there was a piece of the Right Slice Lime Pie behind door #1?  I could eat a whole Lime Pie but one piece of Baklava is so sweet that it's all I can handle.  How do you decide?
That pretty much sums up my life since Saturday.  I love my job.  I have the opportunity to work with wonderful people.  We have great rapport and I feel like a part of a fantastic team.  I am incredibly lucky to say that I enjoy going to work.  I have been with the same company since my second year of pharmacy; first as a student, then pharmacist, then manager.  They have provided me with amazing experiences.  They are my Baklava.
But on Saturday I was offered the mystery dessert.  It sounds absolutely amazing.  I will still get to wear my management hat, but I will get to learn so many new things, I will be in an incredible environment, and I will have better hours which will allow me to spend more time with my family.  I think that the mystery dessert is going to be Lime Pie, but only time will tell.  Honestly, all dessert is good, but hopefully I have picked the best one.
And so today I shared my news with my colleagues...who were incredibly supportive.  I hope that I have not disappointed them too much with my decision and I hope that they will see this as a fantastic opportunity for me.  I am at a crossroads and I have decided which way to head but only time will tell if it is the right way.
It's not fair that I am lucky enough to love one job and be offered another that I think I will love just as much.  Farewell friends, colleagues, managers, bosses, patients, Starbucks....I will miss you!!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!

Douche bag. Dill Hole.

And all the other random inappropriate names I can think of.  A little bit of kindness goes a long way.   Last night on my way home from work I was very surprised to find the site of an airplane crash right beside the road that I commute to work on every single day.  Traffic was diverted to one lane, but it was still possible to drive by it.  I want to take a moment and say how incredible it is that more people weren't killed.  The pilot made the best of an impossible situation and saved lives in the process.  Wow! But back to the name calling.  Today after work I went the same way home...okay, I'll admit it.  I wanted to see it again as it seems totally crazy to see that sort of thing right in the city.  But today the road was closed as transport Canada was investigating and cleaning up the site.  Traffic was a mess of confusion.  This poor man ended up beside me with his signal light on and looked sadly at the fact that traffic was totally backed up and he needed to get into my lane.  Lately it seems like as our city grows, less and less people are willing to let you in or help you out.  You could tell that he assumed he was going to be stuck there for a long time.  I tried to get his attention to let him know that I was going to let him in but he didn't look my way so I honked my horn and pointed in front of me to let him know.  Unfortunately the car in front of me assumed I was honking at him....for absolutely no reason as the light was still red and we were just waiting...so he opened his window and gave me the finger.  Ugh. 
So I am now on my detour and headed down a road that I usually do not take home.  There is lots of traffic because everyone is getting diverted this way.  I am trying to cross over into the right lane so I can exit onto my highway and go home.  But of course....no one wants to let me in.  I am signalling right...you know the universal language for car wants to move over...but I am repeatedly ignored.  I finally get across and the truck in front of me wants into my lane too.  He is also using the universal sign....you know, the signal light.  But he is familiar to me.  He's my friendly driver from the finger incident minutes earlier.  And  I let him in....because that's what we're supposed to do. 
I hate those people who zoom in and out of traffic, putting lives in danger only to end up beside me at the next traffic light.  Are you sure you are saving time? To those of you who don't signal because you don't think it's necessary...think again.  You're not doing it for you anyway....it's so I know what you're planning.  It tells me I can turn left because you're doing the same.  It tells me that you are going into the same lane that I want and that I should be careful.  It gives me an idea that you are about to cut me off because you want into my lane....and it gives me the opportunity to just let you in the easy way.  And to those of you who rush to the front of the closed lane even though you have had tons of notice that your lane is closed up ahead....why should I let you in after I patiently waited my turn?  Why is your time more important than mine?  And to the cars that won't let me into the line up at Tim Hortons....too bad for you because when I have to wait a long time to get in, I often pay for the coffee of the car behind me to say thanks.  You other jerks can buy your own coffee.  Did you know that when the lane is ending and the traffic has to merge, it is actually the cars in the lane that is ending that have the right of way?  So just let them in...do you really want them to run into the wall?  And just so you know...those merging cars aren't always in the clear either....would it kill you to speed up and try to get into the flow of traffic?  Oh yeah...and that thing on the side of your steering wheel is that signal light thing I was talking about earlier. 
We have all been stuck in a situation where we could use some kindness...so why not offer it to those around you?  Drive smart...considerate and safe. We all have somewhere we need to be.  Instead of being a dumb ass.....Drive With Aloha!

Sticky fingerprints. I don't care. The toys are spread out everywhere.

Don't clean your house for me.  I know you think that I will think you are a better person because I didn't see your messy house.  But honestly, it just makes me think that you just won't be invited to mine.  I am not a clean person by nature.  My bedroom as a teenager looked much like the hoarders on television...okay no dead animals or rats, but still quite impressive.  My urge is to leave the mess and push it aside as required.  I know that is not acceptable so I do clean as needed...but mostly I count on my housecleaner to do the work.  I am grateful that she is so awesome.  I am a full time mom, a full time wife, and a full time pharmacy manager...that leaves me too tired and too busy to clean the toilet.  It is hard enough to find time to pick up the toys...which I rarely do anyway. 
It is instinctual to instantly look around and try to tidy when someone is coming over.  I may do the dishes or pick up some toys, but it takes a lot more than that to fix it up in time.  If you let me see your house at its worst, I am more likely to invite you over to mine.  If I have spare time or a day off, I want to spend it with my family and my friends.  I want to sleep late and hang out in pajamas...I do no want to set the alarm so I can clean before you come over. 
If you stop by unannounced, you will find my house in disarray.  Deal with it.  I do.  I used to get embarrassed...now I just think that if you don't like it, stay away. I used to clean for guests and didn't want anyone to see my messy house.  Now I let my housecleaner do the work and hope it makes it through the week.  FYI...my housecleaner comes on Wednesdays so come over Thursday if you want my house to be clean. 
Oh yeah...and stop cleaning up so much.  You have to already know that everyone else cleans right before you come over.  Stop obsessing.  Let's change the expectation so we can spend more time doing the things we love....and less time mopping the floor.  It's a revolution!!

Single Moms

One day on the way home from work I heard about an accident on the radio.  It sounded like someone had been killed and they were redirecting traffic away from the area.  Like I am sure everyone does, you think for a moment about how that is sad and then kind of let it go while hoping that it wasn't anyone that you know.  I followed my normal route home without another thought about it and picked up the kids from daycare.  Scott and I have a routine where he usually gets home about 15 minutes before I do and starts supper.  I pick up the kids and then we can eat earlier and have a bit more family time before they're off to bed. 
I hit the garage door opener and started to drive into the garage when I noticed that Scott's car wasn't there.  Keeping in mind that we usually get home relatively close to each other, there really wasn't a reason to worry.  But instantly my thoughts went to the car accident in the city.  While it wasn't his usual route, it is possible that he went that way to get home.  My heart stopped and my eyes welled up.  I had two kids in the car and Lily is the most intuitive kid on the planet.  She exclaims, "What, mom?" and I realize that we're still sitting in the garage.  I take the kids into the house and immediately check the phone for messages.  No blinking light.  I am trying to keep it together but my mind keeps going to what it would be like to be a single mother.  I know that is crazy because he showed up a few minutes later after running an errand after work and all was well.
But in that moment I realized how difficult raising two kids alone was for my mother.  Most single moms become single moms due to circumstance.  It wasn't what they had planned, but suddenly all the responsibility is on them.  They no longer have that person to bounce things off of.  Do you think Lily eats enough vegetables?  And they never really get that break that everyone desperately needs. If I want to go out with friends, I just make sure Scott is around and off I go.  If I want to fly with my family to Hawaii, Scott takes one kid and I take the other...and off we go.  If one of us can't get someone to bed, we let the other one try.  If one of us it at our wits end, the other one can step in.  If you are sick, the other one can take care of the kids till you are better.  We have two incomes and two sets of ideas. 
There are tons of single moms out there (single dads too!) that I appreciate but right now I am thinking about four in particular.  My mom had to go back to school to get a teaching degree so that she could support her family.  She took us camping even though she really didn't know how to pull the trailer.  She tried really hard to keep the live Christmas tree tradition going.  And I think she did a pretty good job of raising us.  I try not to name any names in my blog without first asking permission, so I have to go the anonymous route with the others.  One single mom got divorced with one small child already and another due any day.  I thought about her lots when I would be excited about Scott getting home from work everyday while I was on maternity leave.  Amazing strength.  I know another mom who was pregnant with twins when she learned that her husband was having an affair.  Who could survive the long nights with two newborns all alone?  And I know a recently single mom who took both of her boys on an airplane...alone.  After recently flying with two kids and a lot of suitcases, I don't know how she did it. 
But to all you single parents out there....keep up the good work.  You must have incredible strength. You amaze me!

It's great to be loved!

Thanks everyone for your concern.  We arrived home yesterday afternoon...long before any threat of a tsunami hitting Kauai.  Our last day in Kauai was quiet and peaceful.  We enjoyed the ocean and Lily and Jack both frolicked in the waves along the beach.  It's hard to think of the ocean as a threat that could kill so many.  We are always cautious when around the water, but it's hard to believe that something like a tsunami could occur. My thoughts and prayers are with those in Japan right now. 
I did think about the possibility of a tsunami while sitting on the beach and looking at the warning system that they have in place. Never in a million years would I have thought that it would happen so close to our vacation...so close to our last walk along the beach.  My first thought was of all the wonderful people that we met and who have touched our lives in the last few weeks.  Because of the dollar, there were tons of Canadians everywhere we went.  The locals and the Kama'aina in Hawaii are so incredibly kind.  To think of them in danger was hard.
It sounds like the tsunami calmed before reaching Hawaii and that minimal to no damage was done.  The place we stayed at was just outside the tsunami inundation zone but still within the evacuation zone. It's nice to know that we would have been safe if we had been there longer.  But it is definitely better to have avoided the worry or danger.
We have received tons of calls and emails from family and friends who were concerned for our safety.  I want you all to know we are home....safe and sound.  But it sure is great to be loved!

Tsunami 2011

I'm not Frommer but...

I thought I would do a little review of Kauai in the same fashion as a travel book.  Most people head to Oahu when they visit Hawaii.  I love Hawaii and would go absolutely anywhere in Hawaii, but I have a soft spot for Kauai.
Speaking of travel books, I am a fan of both Frommer's Kauai and Fodor's Kauai.  Both books have tons of insider information about where to stay, where to dine, and which beaches are the best for kids to surfing. 
The mountain in the centre of Kauai is the wettest place on Earth.  While this scares people away sometimes, it has to rain to be this lush and beautiful.  There are four parts to Kauai;  the north shore, the Coconut coast, Sunny Poipu, and the west.  Usually when it is raining in one part, it is sunny in another.  And the south shore (Sunny Poipu) is usually the driest.  We were here for 14 days and it rained about three of those days.  Even on the rainy days, we spent time in the ocean or cruising the island.  We didn't have a single day "ruined" by weather.  The first night we were here, the thunder storm we experienced broke some kind of record.  It was a great night for it because the kids were so tired from flying that they both slept through it.  The time change between here and Saskatchewan is 4 hours.  The kids got up at 4:30 am on the first day.  We were waking up in paradise and used the opportunity to see our very first Hawaiian sunrise. 
We flew Westjet to get here....no offense Air Canada, but I do prefer Westjet.  The flight from Vancouver is direct to Lihue, Kauai and it takes just over six hours to get here.  You absolutely require a car to explore Kauai, and we have rented all three times from Budget.  They have a van that takes you to their counter. 
All three times that we have stayed here we have stayed at one of the vacation places of Ellie Knopf and her husband Bret.  We love their style.  If you are the kind of person who wants pristine marble floors and air conditioning (which is rarely required on Kauai) then this probably is not the place for you.  The price is right at $110/nite.  (All you who think Hawaii is too expensive...check this out!)  This time we stayed in the Park House.  The downstairs is occupied by a renter and except for sharing laundry, you would never know she's there.  Our part has a kitchen, bathroom, livingroom, and bedroom on the main floor, and then a loft upstairs with another bedroom.  Lily took the upstairs bedroom in what she called her tree house.  Our bedroom had a large walk in closet which became Jack's bedroom.  Except for the fact that there is only one bathroom, there is enough space for two couples.  And there was tons of room for two toddlers to run.  There are tons of windows for island breezes, a distant view of the ocean and the mountains, the house is shaped like a hexagon.  It is eccentric and amazing. We will be back!
Within walking distance is Poipu beach...although walking the ten minutes with slowpoke Jack didn't sound fun so we took the lazy way out and drove.  There is a section of the beach that is protected by the reef and it was like a paddling pool right in the ocean.  Jack was tall enough to toddle around all by himself.  Beware...while this is wonderful for families, it is the only place that we got sunburned.  A lot of your body is getting the sun reflecting off of the water.  Not far from here is the Sheraton beach which is wonderful too.  It is quite a bit deeper and has some waves, but it is usually pretty quiet.  We took the kids in with us but didn't let them get too close without us.  While talking about beaches, another favorite is Salt Pond which is about 15-20 minutes west by car.  There are crabs on the beach for the kids to chase and the water is calm enough to let the kids play.  Keep in mind that these beaches are calm in the winter but we have been told that the opposite is true in the summer....but honestly, we will enjoy Saskatchewan summers and only come here in the winter anyway.
Now I didn't get this curvy womanly figure without the love of food.  When we were here last time we discovered Bubba's Burgers in Kapaa.  We thought it might be too far to drive there with the kids just to eat but we were happy to learn that there is a new one in Poipu.  It's so good that they actually know our names because of how many times we've been there.  It is laid back and lots of fun...and the food is amazing and reasonably priced.  A favorite from before was also Wranglers in Waimea...about 30 minutes from Poipu.  It is worth the drive.  They are very family friendly and the food is delicious.  Try the Kau Kau tin if you are there for lunch.  It's a delicious experience.  We tried a new place this trip called Kauai Pasta.  When you walk in the door the ambience tells you that it will be wonderful.  It reminded me of the Italian restaurants in Little Italy, San Francisco.  The people were amazing, even when Jack decorated their real menu with crayons.  The food was spectacular.  They have the best marinara sauce I have ever tasted.  I have noticed that often the kid's menu (or Keiki menu in Hawaii) usually has items that are acceptable to kids.  That wasn't the case because Lily's pizza was to die for and Jack's pasta was awesome.  Scott and I both said our dishes were the best Italian we had ever eaten.  Lily is a huge fan of Lappert's ice cream.  It is expensive but tasty...and their lemon scone is incredible.  They also have great iced coffees and cappucinos.  Pizzetta's was a favorite from past visits.  Although they no longer deliver, their calzones are the best I've ever had....mmmm, sundried tomato, fresh artichoke, and feta.  To die for. 
The main event this time (besides Bubba's of course) was the Right Slice.  I will never look at another pie with this kind of emotion again.  Just the crust alone makes this the best pie I have ever eaten...and what's pie without filling?  To give you an idea of how many pies we've eaten....the Tropical Trio, Island Lemon, and Mango Lillikoi (which is Hawaiian for passionfruit) are so good that we actually followed the Right Slice from Farmer's Market to Farmer's Market because we couldn't get enough.  But the Island Lime....there are just no words to describe it.  Wow!  I will fly back to Kauai just for this pie.

Kauai is full of things to do.  The Waimea Canyon is beautiful although we didn't make it up there this trip.  The Na Pali Coast is like nothing you have ever seen.  You can only get there by boat or helicopter, both of which we thought were a bit much for our kids on this trip.  If you do decide to go, I recommend the inflatable speed rafts....so fun, and a little scary too.  This is where 6 Days/7 Nights was filmed. We visited the Kamokila Hawaiian Village for the first time today.  If you are on the skinniest, steepest, bumpiest road, you are on the right one.  This is the village where the movie Outbreak was filmed.  The kids can run free and you can touch everything.  It's a nice place to let the kids go and it was really neat for us too.  I learned that Hawaiian women had a special hut to go to during menstruation.  They did crafts such as basket weaving or lei making until they were finished and could rejoin society.  For the $5 fee, this was totally worth a visit.  Right across the road from the entrance to the village is the Opeaka Falls.  They are beautiful and a great picture opportunity.  We rode the train at Kilohana.  This is an old plantation with a beautiful garden.  The train ride took us through the plantation and Lily got to feed the pigs.  She absolutely loves trains, but I think she liked the pigs the most.  Lydgate is an awesome park for kids.  There is a sheltered beach, although we never actually swam there.  Kamalani Playground was designed by the Keiki of Hawaii.  It was built by volunteers and it is by far the best playground ever.  There are lots of picnic tables and bathrooms.  If you didn't have a napping toddler, you could spend the whole day there.  Hanalei is a town in the north.  To get there you have to cross a one way bridge so remember to drive with Aloha.  It is an old hippy town and has a neat feel to it although there really isn't much to do there.  On Friday nights you have to make a stop in Hanapepe between 6 and 9 pm.  This is were we first met the Right Slice and there is a great shop called Keiki Kovers with adorable Hawaiian kidswear.  Make sure you make it all the way to the end to find this great shop. But anyway, Friday nights are Art Night in Hanapepe.  All the galleries are open and the art is fantastic.  It's also wonderful to see a tiny little town filled with people and lights.  It has a great feel to it. Hanapepe is also the town that Lilo and Stitch was based on, although to add confusion, they say that they live on the Big Island of Hawaii. 
There is no big shopping mall on Hawaii.  The closest is in Lihue where there is a Macy and Sears.  They have really cheap brand name kids clothes so it is worth a stop.  The Kukui'ula Market is new to the Poipu area and it has some neat shopping as does the Poipu Shopping Mall.  There are lots of places to get cool Hawaiian T-shirts and jewellery.  I am a fan of Mikel who designs mostly Honu (turtle) and Plumeria (flower) pieces.  I have a Honu necklace from a prior visit and I rarely take it off.  Don't forget to fill up on Macadamia Nuts and Chocolate covered Macadamia Nuts.  While these are now available in Canada, it just feels right to eat them in Kauai.  Oh yeah...and diet Cherry Coke.  You've just gotta try it.
I have been to many Luaus both here and on Oahu.  Nothing compares to the Smith Family Luau.  They actually cook the Kalua Pig in the ground...and the food is amazing.  Most luaus have either amazing food or amazing shows and this luau has both. The kids loved the entertainment and Jack didn't once complain even though the night went way past his bedtime.  The volcano was a welcome surprise and guest performances from other ethnic groups kept the show exciting.  Definitely worth the money...and then some.
Kauai is fantastic and you just have to go.  It is perfect for honeymooners, families and retired people.  There is something for everyone.  And it is great because you don't have to go somewhere where you are worried about the water or crime.  The healthcare here is the same as ours and the money, although only one boring color, is basically the same.  Check out the links for more information....

Bubba Burgers
Kamokila Hawaiian Village
Park House
Kauai Pasta
Keiki Kovers
Pizzetta
Smith's Family Luau
The Right Slice
Wrangler's Steakhouse

The gigantic spider (as big as your head) climbs up the water spout...

I have been to Hawaii quite a few times before, but this is my first time with kids.  Hawaii is an absolute wonderful place for families.  I am not trying to deter you nor am I complaining.  I am having the most wonderful time in paradise.  I just wanted to share a few things that my kids have helped me learn.

Kids only like specific hats.  You have to keep trying until you find the perfect one.  When you have finally found that perfect hat, he will finally keep it on his head...but only if you soak it in water first.  That way it will keep his head cool.  We have yet to find the perfect shoes.

Innocent geckos that eat bugs are just that...until your one year old decides that they are lunch.  Fortunately they are faster than Jack so none have met their unfortunate demise.

Those Hawaiian roosters that annoyed you pre-kids actually mean it's morning to your kids.

The sunrise really is more beautiful than the sunset.  It's the beautiful sign that you are starting another fantastic day.  The sunset really does mean the end because we have yet to stay up longer than an hour after the kids go to bed.  Chasing the kids in the Hawaiian sun is incredible fun, but it's not relaxing.

I did actually get to lay on the beach and relax.  It was really nice...until Lily dumped a whole bucket of sand on my head..."Wake up, mommy!"

I had visions of my kids running around in the backyard.  It is gorgeous with fruit trees, plumeria, and poinsetta shrubs.  But there are huge spiders....they scare me, not the kids, but still.

It takes a little while for the kids to realize that the ocean is fun.  Give them some time to warm up to it and they will love it.

The best part of the train ride through the rainforest is when you stop to feed the wild pigs.  They are super gross and ugly, but well-loved by all kids.

A child who has never walked outside before and who will not wear shoes, will freak out the first few times they are set down on unknown surfaces...these include sand, grass, and the sidewalk.

Hawaiians are the first people who have not claimed Lily as one of their own.  They do not think that she looks like them.  A lot of Asians and Native people think she looks like them.  Also, I have yet to meet a Hawaiian who knows what Inuit means.  I thought that even though we do not call Inuit people Eskimos in Canada, they might know what Eskimo meant.  I got the same empty stare when I asked about igloos.  I made the mistake of saying she was from the north....north of what?  We're on an island.

Jack loves everything that we love....chili dogs, Cherry Coke, Kauai coffee, fish and chips.  That kid loves everything.  Lily, on the other hand, loves Pizzeta Pizza.  That's about it.

Kids help you to stop and smell the plumeria.  To look at the butterfly...and the spider...and the roosters.  Everything its so much more fun through their eyes. 

This vacation reminds me of when I was a kid.  I remember one time when we were camping and I asked my parents what we were going to do next.  We were sitting in our campsite relaxing.  They said that we were going to do this...meaning that we were going to continue to relax.  I remember being confused because we weren't actually doing anything.  I have thought of that moment lots over the last few days.  Everytime we stop for a moment to relax...or even to eat lunch, Lily asks what we're going to do now.  Can we go to the beach?  (Even when we are just walking back from the beach).  I'm glad they are so excited, but where do they get the energy?

Well, I gotta go.  We're headed to the luau.  I've been to a few before, but I am sure this one will be different with the kids.  I hope they LOVE it!!

Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun...

Just so you know, today the sun shone just for me.  The last few weeks in Kauai have been rainy.  We arrived last night after a long day of planes and airports.  As usual, the kids surprised me with just how good they are.  Not that I would have complained because today I woke up in paradise.

I have been to Kauai before.  The last time we were here was just prior to our first IVF cycle.  We spent our days dreaming on the beach of what we thought would soon occur.  I thought about how wonderful it would be to return to Kauai to see our little boy or girl running down the beach.  That seems so long ago.  But at the same time it is hard to believe that in four short years I became the mother of two wonderful children.  I guess it all depends on how you look at it.

The day began with the voice of my favorite girl at 3:45 am telling me she has to pee.  After using the bathroom she climbed into bed with us.  After thinking about it she realized that she loves her "new room" and headed back to bed.  A thankful me fell back to sleep.  At 4:30 am, Lily returned to our room and was greeted by a very awake Jack.  And that's when our day began.  If my kids ever got up this early at home I would not be happy, but I understood that the time change messed them up...and I was waking up in paradise.  We showered and ate breakfast and were out the door by 6:00 am.  We headed to Spouting Horn to check out the chickens, cats, ocean and sunrise.  We chuckled about the fact that this was our first Hawaiian sunrise.  We had seen many sunsets before.  We smiled as we realized just how much our lives have changed.  Then off to Walmart to buy some sand toys and other necessities.  To the beach by 9:30 am and to lunch at noon.  Ahhhh....nap time.  Scott and Lily headed into town to pick up groceries.  When Jack woke up we headed to the beach to play on the playground.  And then we headed to the outdoor mall to watch some hula dancing. Then supper where we were personally serenated by Ryan, a fantastic Hawaiian musician.  Then shopping...to a store that previously made me very jealous and sad.  Today, as I shopped in Sand Kids I thought about just how lucky I am.  Then a little drive, quick bathtime...and then Lily actually asked to go to bed.  Very simple bed time routine and then ahhh....relaxing in paradise. 

It has been one of my busiest days.  I have already eaten macadamia nuts, had a mai tai, had fresh Ahi, had a Kauai Kookie, had unsweetened iced tea, and a Kauai coffee.  I could not have fit all my favorites into one day without getting up so early.  And I get to do it all again tomorrow if I want to.

I believe that today was beautiful because Lily and I sang the Mr. Sun song all the way to Walmart.  Oh yeah...and yes, I do know that I am the luckiest person in the world.

Mr. Sun. Sun. Mr. Golden Sun.  Please shine down on me.

Fate vs. Destiny

Okay.  Okay.  I know I said I would write about day 3 post-partum next, but one can never determine in advance what they might want to write about next.  Is that fate...or destiny?

Fate and destiny are terms that are most often used interchangeably.  They almost mean the same thing and so I will continue to use them this way, but just for interest sake there is a difference.  Destiny describes future events.  It suggests that decisions will be made that will ultimately end up in a pre-destined future.  Fate is a description of the past.  This means that no matter what decisions were made in the past, whatever happened would end the way it already has.  It was fate. If someone is going to be famous someday, it is their destiny.  If they are famous, it was fate that made them famous. 

I'm a believer to a certain degree.  I do believe in free will and I do think that making well thought out decisions is important.  However, I do think that my life will end up the way it is supposed to.  Maybe that's just taking the easy way out when I'm not sure what to do.  Regardless, it has all worked out so far.  I think I believe that different decisions will get you there faster and with less struggle and pain, but ultimately life will end up the way it is supposed to.  On the other hand, I do believe in guiding your kids to being good people.  I will not trust that it is their destiny to turn out okay.

I believe that fate brought our family together.  Watching my kids play, I am amazed at just how much they adore eachother.  There is no doubt in my mind that they were meant to be together.  They have no idea that they have different skin colors or that their hair colors couldn't be more opposite.  All they know is that Lily sings Twinkle Twinkle Little Star when Jack is sad and it cheers him up immediately.  Jack chases Lily around and around the island in our kitchen and Lily loves every minute of it.  There was no way to know how our decisions would bring us here, but there is no doubt in my mind that this is exactly the way that things were meant to be.

Mortality

I always think it's crazy when someone says that this could be so-and-so's last Christmas. No one lives forever.  It could be any of our last Christmases.  On Thanksgiving weekend a young man from a town between Regina and Saskatoon went missing.  The police are now saying that they don't think they will find him alive.  I bet no one predicted that last year was his last Christmas.  He was someone's baby boy and I think that in the next few days they are going to learn what happened to him.  Although I am sure they need to know, no one told them last Christmas that it was going to be the last Christmas that they weren't haunted with this information.  And if the pain is unavoidable, it is so much better not to know.
I think that it is important to enjoy every moment and try not to predict the future.  This will be so many people's last Christmas this year, but it will also be many people's very first Christmas.  Some of those people who really weren't predicted to see another Christmas will come shining through next Christmas too.  Don't try to predict the unpredictable.  Mourn the loss if it happens.  Enjoy the present.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer in his early 30's.  He wasn't much older than I am now.  While I try to enjoy every moment and not be haunted by the chance of genetic predisposition, it definitely slips into my mind now and then.  He was 36 when he passed away.  He fought an incredible journey that he just could not win.  In the end it was a blessing that he left this world.  He was only a shell of the wonderful person that he used to be.  Fortunately for me, I was ten years old when he passed away.  I realize that it is strange that I used the word fortunately in that sentence.  The reason I was fortunate is that even though it is 22 years later, I was old enough to have wonderful memories of my dad.  I plan to be here to watch my children graduate, get married, and have beautiful children of their own.  But there is this tiny part of me that notes that when I am 36 they will only be four and seven.  Would that be old enough to remember me? 
It is strange how my brother and I feel the exact same thing.  We never discuss it but I know it's true.  We have handled it entirely differently.  I am a tiny bit of a hypochondriac.  Every pain, mole or twitch has me analyzing.  On the other hand, he tries to not to notice that anything is wrong and he avoids doctors like the plague.  I want to know the moment something is wrong so I have a chance.  He wants to ignore it because he's afraid to hear the words that he dreads.  We both try to ignore the crazy tiny voice in our minds and hope that it never matters.
Instead of fretting, I plan to enjoy every moment that I can with my kids and to make the most wonderful memories possible. Go away twitch.

January 3rd

The weeks before Christmas always seem to zoom by.  It's impossible to see everyone you want to and there are all the little details to get finished...and then Christmas is here.  It always seems to show up out of the blue.  The problem with the time speeding by is that this year it is also the end of my maternity leave zooming by.  Although this maternity leave had a rocky start, I have loved the life of a stay at home mom.  Although even if I could be a stay at home mom financially, there is something about me that needs to go to work. (Perhaps less days would be better though.)  I am proud of what I do and I enjoy what I do.  And besides that, I enjoy eating my lunch alone sometimes and I love peeing with the door closed.  But in saying all that, I love being home with my kids.  I am trying to stay positive about going back. The advantage to going back to work on January 3rd is that everyone around me seems to be taking time off for Christmas and they all go back January 3rd too.  And I have a bunch of friends who go back January 3rd after their maternity leaves too. 
I try to remember how lucky I am.  I have two wonderful healthy children, a husband who loves me, family that fight over us (maybe a bit too much!), and a safe and happy place to live.  Going back to work is a small issue in the scheme of things.  But the thought of Jack napping somewhere else most days of the week instead of his crib, the thought that someone else gets to drop off and pick up Lily from school, the thought that even Scott will have more time with my kids than me, makes me sad.  Aren't moms supposed to be the primary parent?  I am so happy that our kids are in daycare less than full time because he has the opportunity to work less...but I would love to be the part time worker.  Unfortunately I am unable to keep my current position and work part time. 
Going back this time is much easier than last time because I know what to expect.  I know that the kids will be clingy until they get used to their new routine.  I know that the lady who takes care of them is wonderful and that she already loves them both.  I know that I will be able to juggle all the things that need to be done and that even though I will be incredibly tired the first few weeks, I will indeed survive.  And I know that when it comes down to it, I am going to cry all the way to work on that first day.
The trick this time is that I am starting a management role in a new location.  I will have all new staff and new routines.  I will have some things to learn and some things to change.  Under normal circumstances this would be an exciting change, but it is not the place to be teary on your first day back.  I will be tough and I will fool them all. 
If you pass a sobbing woman on your way to work on January 3rd, know that I will be okay.  I already know I will.

I wouldn't change a thing

The whole time we were trying to have a family I wanted to get pregnant so badly every month.  And when our first IVF failed I was incredibly sad that those particular embryos were never going to be my babies.  At the time I wanted it all to be over so badly.  I didn't want to have to try so hard to get the thing that came so easily to many others. 

I wouldn't change a thing.

If I was given the opportunity to go back and get pregnant that first month, I wouldn't take it.  I would never take away all that pain if it meant changing anything about the family we became.

I am the luckiest person in the world.  I am luckier than those people who got pregnant the first month because I beat the odds.  I have the most wonderful family.

I wouldn't change a thing.

This weekend was absolutely crazy.  I think there is a small part of me that loves chaos...okay, well maybe it's not that small.  This weekend we had pseudo-Christmas with my family.   We attended Lily's gymnastics gala.  We had a Jack's 1st birthday celebration.  It is finally quiet in my house and while I am absolutely exhausted, all I can think about is how lucky I am.

I can't believe Jack is one already.  How is it even possible that a year could fly by so quickly? Why is my tiny infant so big? And why is he learning to walk?  Jack has amazing personality for a one year old.  He loves music and loves to dance.  He purposely tries to be funny to make you laugh.  He says "ahhh" after he takes a big drink of milk.  He makes kissy noises to get your attention.  And he cuddles...mmm.  He has the biggest brightest blue eyes and thick golden hair.  I was so sure I wouldn't be able to love him as much as I love Lily...but I fell in love with him the moment he was born.

I can't believe my beautiful baby girl had her first performance.  She's so cute that you want to keep squeezing her...even though she rolls her eyes and says, "But mom, I'm a big girl."  She is so gentle and sweet.  I wasn't sure she'd be able to go out in front of all those people, but she was fantastic.  I am so incredibly proud of the person she is becoming.  She loves anything artistic...dancing, singing, drawing, painting.  And she is  wonderful at it.  Her mischievous brown eyes are so dark they are almost black and her silky black hair shimmers in the sun.  No one is able to love their child more than I love her.

As I listen to the silence in our house while they sleep, I know in my heart that this is the mom I was meant to be.  I wouldn't change a thing.

Thankful

When I was desperately trying to get pregnant I had a friend who told to me to journal every night about something that I was thankful for.  When you are obsessed with infertility, you lose perspective on how great the other things are that are around you.  For example, instead of being thankful for friends and family at Christmas you are instead jealous that the Virgin Mary had a baby without trying at all.  Ridiculous?  Absolutely. 

Without naming any names, I want to share some of the people and things that I am thankful for...

I am thankful to a selfless family for giving me the opportunity to be a mother to a fantastic little girl.  I am grateful to a group of people who helped me through the failure of my first IVF, who helped me create Jack, and who supported me through a very scary first trimester.  I am grateful to anyone and everyone who helped get me through the worst of the worst of my post partum depression.  And to a fantastic lady at the support centre...I am sure I would not have made it without your support.  To my friend that did her work at my kitchen table, to my friend who let me cry on her couch repeatedly, to my friend who did not breastfeed either of her kids....I thank you.  To those who made me leave the house when I so desperately wanted to stay in my pajamas....I realize you were so right.  Thanks!  To those who shared their stories so I was not alone...you are the very best.  To the knowledgeable and kind lady who did our homestudy....you made what I would have assumed to be an awkward situation into something amazing.  Your support and information made things so much easier for us.  To the people who put us in contact with Lily's birth family....how do you even say thanks for something so incredible?  To our dear friends who took Lily when I went into labour and stayed up with her from 3:30 am...so very kind.  For my friends....you have helped the whole way...even when I was mean about baby showers, when I had to be forced from my car for a  Tim Horton's break, and when I didn't listen to your incredible advice about depression and baby supplies.  To my dear friend who dropped everything to come to my house during my first IVF and during the breastfeeding debacle.  To my family for accepting our decision to adopt wholeheartedly and for never looking back. 

To all of you reading this.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write this all out and feel like my experiences had a purpose.  I hope I do not disappoint.

To my kids for being the cutest and smartest. (I know every mom says that!!) To my husband for having sex during pneumonia, for masturbating in the hospital (even though you work there), for all the post-procedure lunches, for holding my hand, for surviving the journey, and for being the very best husband and father ever.

THANK YOU!!

The Ordinary Family

I almost missed one of the most important opportunities of my life.  I was concerned about having an ordinary family and I was worried that adopting Lily would make us out of the ordinary.  Fortunately, I have a husband who is comfortable telling me when I am thinking crazy.  Together we made the right decision.  A decision which will change my life forever...and in every way for the better.
What is the ordinary family anyway?  Is it 2.5 kids and a dog?  Who wants 1/2 a kid anyway?  And what about us cat lovers? If you take a moment to look around, these days every family can be called ordinary. Or, if it pleases you, out of the ordinary.  There are single parents.  There are grandparents raising their grandchildren.  There are gay and lesbian couples. There are interracial and interreligious families.   There are adopted kids from almost every country...Asian, Ethiopian, Haitian, Russian... And usually the families that would be considered "normal" have something going on that you don't even know about.
Family means a group of people who care more about each other than they do as an individual.    It is a group of people who are better people because they are together.  It doesn't matter what the "rules" are.  It only matters that you are meant to be together.
I once had a mom tell me that her family was not ordinary.  Her son is married to a girl of a different religion and different race, her daughter is married to a man of a different race, and her son has a stepson. She completely loves her family and didn't mean it at all in a mean way.  I thought that it was funny that she was telling me that they weren't ordinary because I was raised by a single parent and I have a daughter who is adopted and Inuit. Am I not the one that is out of the ordinary? At that moment I realized that we are all ordinary people living ordinary lives...our own lives.  
If you are ever faced with a decision and are worried because it might make you out of the ordinary, remember that it means you are extraordinary.  And everything is ordinary.