The Home Study

People have said the same thing over and over and I used to agree.  What right does someone have to judge your life and your home before you can adopt?  No one checks out the pregnant mom to make sure she is competent.  It's true that there is no license to birth...but maybe there should be.  Our home study asked lots of questions about us.  But it taught us a lot too.  We had the most amazing facilitator.  She answered tons of our questions and stopped in to make sure we were doing okay long after her responsibilities were complete.  Adoption isn't easy and she helped guide us through laws, emotions, and future concerns.  So many people with kids the same age as ours are struggling with what kind of discipline they should use and whether or not they like the role that the opposite parent is playing.  While we don't always agree, our ideas about discipline were out on the table long before we needed them.  We discussed what to do when you've reached your last straw, who your support system is going to be, and what to do when your kid bites you for the first time.  I can almost guarantee that during pregnancy most parents are not prepared for the things that we learned in our home study sessions. 
And there were tons of questions.  I guess the best way to understand it is that the facilitator is there to protect the child.  Every parental change in a child's life is going to add challenge.  A child that is going to be adopted already has that to deal with eventually in life.  It would be horrible for that adoption to fail or to have to remove that child from their new family.  So they have to ensure that you are ready to adopt, that you understand the challenges that adoption may present, that you can handle the challenges of parenting, and that you are going to be a good parent in general.  They ask everything.  They want to know your medical history.  They want to know what kind of relationship you have with your family.  What kind of discipline did your parents use?  Do you think that it worked?  What kind of discipline will you use?  What if your child has some sort of disability?  If a disability is recognized at birth, will you go through with the adoption?  Have you been pressured into adoption by your partner?  Who will help you when you can't do it all on your own?  Will your family/friends support your decision to adopt?  Do you know anyone who is adopted?  They look at your police record, your marriage certificate, and your financial information.  You don't have to be rich, but you do have to be able to support your child(ren).  And her suggestion was always to be honest.  It would be easier to discuss an issue in advance than to learn later that you have lied.  Our infertility literally made us crazy and we had a hard time relating to others, especially family members.  This put a strain on many relationships at that time.  We not only were honest about the issue, but she actually made suggestions on how to handle the issue.  Things are better now, but at the time we were concerned that telling the truth would be detrimental.  That was not the case.
There are no surprise visits like they suggest on television.  She made two scheduled visits; one before placement and once after to make sure everything was going well.  The morning of our first visit, our vacuum broke and we had cat hair on our floor.  During the second visit, Lily spent a awful lot of time crying (because she did a lot of crying in the first few months).  Neither of those things were an issue as she was there to look at the big picture and to make sure we were all doing well.  She did visit after that but only to be helpful and not as a requirement to our home study.  I hear many of her words in my head as I journey through parenthood and I have tried many of her suggestions.
I think we were very fortunate to have had the experience that we had.  I think that prenatal classes tell you very little about the journey that you are heading into.  I think that everyone should have the opportunity to do some sort of home study.  We learned a lot about parenting but also a lot about each other.  And I also learned a lot about me.

So good and so bad that I actually threw up...a true story

Before I tell this story, I want you to know that I do not dislike nurses.  In every profession there are great ones and not so great ones.  I have friends who are nurses.  And honestly, without Sandi (our delivery nurse), I'm pretty sure Jack would never have been born.  Now for a bit more background information....before my kids were born, I was terrified of newborns.  I was not one of those people who wanted to cuddle the new baby or hold the baby at the baby shower.  We didn't have little kids in our family and I hadn't babysat in many years so babies completely freaked me out.  I was so scared that we would get to the hospital and Lily's birth mom and the nurses would think I was inadequate and that they were never going to let me take her home.  I shared this fear with our adoption worker and she said that everyone was going to be helpful and understand that it was a stressful situation.  Lily's birth mom was amazing....the nurses were not.
We arrived at the hospital at 9:00 pm.  It was past visiting hours but no one cared as everyone was awaiting our arrival.  We met our daughter, held her, fed her and then decided to leave for the night.  They didn't have an extra room for us and Lily was rooming with her birth mom so we couldn't stay at the hospital overnight.  It was hard to leave our baby girl, but we could tell she was in great hands with her birth mom.  It had been a stressful, wonderful day.  We had no idea what would happen next.
When we arrived the next day we were immediately approached by the nurses and were told that we could not take Lily off of the ward.  It wasn't what they said, but how they said it.  We knew that they were concerned with our arrangement.  We had custody papers signed that said that we were the ones who would make medical decisions for Lily, but we were completely ignored by all hospital staff.  One nice nurse secretly told us that they were afraid to talk to us in case our adoption was illegal and they ended up being involved.  We had two options...we could stay in the birth mom's room (a very shy woman who had just given birth the day before and to whom we were complete strangers) or we could sit with our newborn in the drafty, noisy and bright waiting room.  We were uncomfortable in both so we went back and forth between in search of some comfort.  Lily was a needy baby and would not stay asleep if she was put down.  I of course took this to mean that I was unable to put her to sleep or comfort her, which made me worried, which she detected and became upset.  No one at the hospital would talk to us so we had no idea if we were allowed to dress her in our own clothes, how much to feed her, or how to bath a baby at all.  The nice nurse secretly took us into the back of the nurses' station to show us a video on bathing and let us stay in there for some privacy before we were kicked out by other nursing staff.  When the nurses came to check on her we had to take her back to her birth mom's room and they would talk to her and completely ignore us.  We were discharged by the doctor but were told we couldn't leave until the hospital social worker spoke with us.  They kept Lily and her birth mom admitted another day so a meeting could be set up with the social worker who didn't work on the weekend.
After an exhausting, exhilarating, wonderful, terrifying day, we decided to stop at Shopper's Drug mart on the way back to our hotel. Standing in the baby aisle, I suddenly became so overwhelmed by the day and by all the different baby stuff.  I ran to the counter and asked where the bathroom was.  You could tell that the bathroom wasn't for customers but they let me in anyway.  I think they knew I was going to throw up.
While I shared my lunch with the Shopper's Drug mart toilet, my darling husband picked out the cutest Winnie the Pooh diapers (I love Winnie the Pooh).  We stocked up on formula, wipes, bottles, etc and headed back to the hotel.
The next morning the social worker came to see us.  She apologized for our treatment, spoke with Lily's birth mom about her decision, and then tuned in some nurses for our treatment.  Suddenly everyone was our friend and everyone wanted to teach us how to feed her and bath her and how to put her in the car seat.  It was so hard not to tell them to go to hell, but it was information that would help Lily over the next few days, so we smiled and nodded instead.  It was finally time to go and the nurses did their final assessment on Lily.  Guess what...her temperature was up and they would need to check her again in two hours.  Again, we were stuck in the hospital.  Lily's birth mom desperately wanted to get back to her family, but they wouldn't discharge her until Lily was ready to go.  She missed the plane back to Nunavut and was stuck for another day.
Finally all was well and the four of us took the elevator down to the lobby.  We hugged Lily's birth mom and drove off....back to the hotel because it was too late in the day to drive home.  Scott headed to Toys R Us to purchase more stuff...babies need a ton of stuff, and I sat in the hotel room cuddling my daughter....still pretty scared of newborns but with definite improvement.

What I learned....when they threatened to call Social Services on us we should have said to go ahead.  Of course we were afraid that our baby was going to end up in the "system" but in hindsight, they probably could have helped us. And we weren't doing anything wrong.
Highlight of the weekend...beside of course becoming a mother and calling my family with the news, I thoroughly enjoyed calling my work to leave a message.  Because a prior adoption attempt had failed, we were really shy about telling anyone about this prospective adoption.  My work had no idea.  This was my message, "Hi, it's Lindsay calling.  I am calling to announce the birth of Lily.  I won't be at work on Monday....or for the next year.  I'll call you when we get home."  How fun!!
Meeting Lily and becoming her mother was absolutely amazing.  Nothing could have ruined that for me...no matter how hard they tried!!

The difference between created and acquired

I talk to people struggling to create their perfect family all the time.  It's just that you don't always know what the perfect family is in advance.  You may want all girls and get all boys.  You may want one of each and get all girls.  You may dream of twins and have an only child.  You may shiver in horror at the thought of having two babies at once and joyfully raise your triplets with ease.  You all get the point. 
I have one brother.  I am happy to have a sibling and we have had a great life together.  Without him, I wouldn't have had near as much fun (or the chicken pox scar on the side of my face...but that's a whole different story.) I have fond memories of camping, playing in the park, and swimming at the pool.  It is because of him that I knew that I wanted more than one child.  I wanted my children to enjoy life with a sibling as much as I have.  But I always thought that my parents should have had more kids.  (Easy for me to say...right?) My mom and dad both come from bigger families so I have lots of aunts, uncles and cousins.  Christmas and Thanksgiving was never a quiet affair growing up because we had lots of family around to help us celebrate.  And that is how I formed my idea of the perfect family...at least three kids, possibly five.  Probably all boys because I'm not big into frilly dresses or pig tails and because I remember my mom combing out my super long hair after a bath....ouch!! 
I have the perfect family.  I have a girl and a boy...not at all what I had planned.  And I can guarantee you that I always assumed we would have them the good old fashioned way.  I was a bossy kid when I was young (maybe I still am?) and my brother was fearless.  My kids are the same age difference as my brother and I are and in the same order.  Lily is the bossy one and Jack is fearless.  It may be a coincidence, but then again it could be birth order. 
Regardless, I can tell you that I never thought my children would be adopted or invitro kids.  While our story tends to be one of interest, I want to take a moment to share the fact that it doesn't matter if your kids are created or acquired.  I have a wonderful story to tell about meeting Lily for the first time and an extended family created by a relationship with her birth family.  I have ultrasound pictures of Jack and the memory of hiccups from within. Both experiences are memories that I will cherish forever.  Completely different, but equally important.  I would love to have had the experience to carry Lily in my belly, but I think it was easier to become her mother without the healing or exhaustion of labour and delivery.  And I would never give up the opportunity to be the mother of the most wonderful daughter just to have experienced her creation. 
I love my children equally but differently.  I believe this would be the case whether they were both adopted or both biological.  I love that Lily is gentle and caring.  I love that she is fantastic at puzzles and that she loves gymnastics.  I love that Jack already knows that he is funny and that at one year of age he can already understand what I am saying and will do what I ask...whenever he feels like it.  I love that Lily is cautious and rarely gets hurt and I love that Jack experiences the world full-speed ahead.  I believe that every kid is different and that genetics or parenting cannot control nature.  I believe that I was meant to be the mother of these two incredible kids.
I am asked all the time if we had Jack because I was missing out on being pregnant.  That was never the case.  Just like anything you have never experienced, of course you are curious.  I am lucky to have had the experience but would say that those nine months are small in comparison to the lifetime of your child.  People wonder all the time if they would be able to love a child that doesn't look like them.  I can honestly tell you that it makes absolutely no difference.  I love my kids the same. 
There is no difference in the love for created or acquired.  There is just love.  Incredible, amazing love.

Speak up and speak out....Loudly!

CBC News - Montreal - Fertility under provincial jurisdiction: top court

You may or may not be aware that the government is trying to decide whether infertility and the associated treatments should fall under provincial or federal law. There is also discussions in some provinces as to whether or not treatments such as IVF should be publicly funded. This blog is not about my opinion of either. I want to talk a little bit about the misconceptions associated with the decisions to have these treatments and the alternatives. If you are or have ever been infertile, feel free to read the article but beware of the comment section. My husband was upset that I was even reading it. It is filled with assumptions regarding IVF, infertility, and adoption with a few people with experience trying to desperately stick up for the rest of us. I did not comment because those with experience were grossly outnumbered and most of the replies were not based on fact and therefore anything goes. If you choose to read that section, perhaps you should get out the ice cream, cookies, or wine. You might need it.
In the next few months we are going to hear more and more about these topics. What I am asking is that you educate yourself before commenting and once you know actual facts, speak up and speak out...loudly. Some people choose to live childless lives. That is their choice and if they are happy, I am happy for them. Either way, imagine wanting to be a parent and not having the opportunity. People who experience infertility imagine their lives as useless. They think about all that they have to give and how it could be wasted. They imagine Christmases alone and dying alone. Psychologists equate the pain of infertility to the pain of losing a loved one and to a similar stress as being diagnosed with a terminal illness. If you haven't been there, you cannot imagine.
I noticed that in the awkwardly uneducated comments section that there was a lot of talk about it being God's will that the infertile are not parents. Infertility is an illness not unlike cancer or diabetes. If it's God's will, then that is like saying that we should get rid of insulin and chemotherapy. There is talk that we should ban fertility treatments until all the parentless children in the world find families. That might work in theory, but Canadians do not have access to "family-less" children all over the world. And international adoption often costs way more than IVF so if you can't afford IVF, you can't afford to adopt. And let's face it, adoption just isn't for everyone. Don't those children deserve the right family? And if the intention is to find parents for everyone, why not ban pregnancies in general? Would that not make the whole process a lot faster? Why should the responsibility of orphans fall on the shoulders of the infertile?  Another misconception is that children created by infertile parents are also infertile and that we are creating a larger problem in the future.  Some fertility disorders are genetic but IVF children are not doomed to be infertile.  I do believe that something we are doing is increasing the number of infertile people, but that is a whole different topic. 
What I am asking is that you make sure you know the truth before creating an opinion.  I am not asking you to approve of or reject the decisions relating to government responsibility or payment of treatments.  But please do not make assumptions regarding infertility, IVF, adoption.  The whole picture is just so much bigger than anticipated.

Officially a family

Adoptive families often celebrate the day that their child's adoption was finalized as their forever family day.  I think that if our adoption would have been finalized in a reasonable time frame, that day would be our forever family day too.  Lily is adopted from Nunavut.  Because Nunavut used to be part of the North West Territories, they currently follow many of their laws until their own can be written.  We kind of fell between the old and new laws which added some complications for our adoption.  When you get custody of a newborn, the birth family has a time frame in which they can change their minds.  That time frame varies from place to place but is usually 3-10 days.  I thought I would worry about it constantly but it rarely crossed my mind.  I was too busy learning how to change diapers, give baths, and make bottles.  Perhaps the sleep deprivation helped. That time along with the next three months flew by.  Most adoptions in Canada take 3-6 months to complete.  Unfortunately the Nunavut social worker that had our case was also responsible for writing the new Nunavut adoption law.  Between changing laws, him being busy, and repeated lost paperwork, it took over two years for our adoption to be finalized.  It always crossed our minds that someone could take our daughter and we had heard horror stories of kids getting taken away because of an injury because it was easier to take them than to investigate.  When Lily fell off the bed we didn't take her to the doctor because of this fear.  Fortunately she was okay and it wasn't an issue.  We had reassurance from our social worker and from the social worker responsible for all Saskatchewan adoptions that no one was going to take away our daughter, but it was difficult not to worry.  By the time the adoption was finalized it was pretty anti-climactic.  Of course we were happy it was over, but because we had been a family for so long, becoming an official family didn't matter quite as much.  But I did cry when our lawyer called exactly one year ago today to tell me it was all over.  And I have spent the entire day thinking about exactly one year ago. 
One year ago today I received a phone calling notifying us that Lily was officially ours.  Her last name was changed to match ours and we were officially a family.  I called Scott and he went out and purchased a cigar to celebrate.  Even though it was fairly cold that night, he dug out a lawn chair and sat on our deck smoking his cigar and drinking a beer.  We had saved a bottle of champagne to drink the day things were official, but I was nine months pregnant and we decided that we should wait on that one.  We stayed up later than usual celebrating.  In the middle of the night, my water broke.  Scott stayed awake for the next 22 hours of labour while chewing gum the entire time to try to get the horrible cigar taste out of his mouth.

Within three days we became an official family of four.

When your family tree is actually an orchard

This past summer we had the opportunity to spend some time with Lily's birth family.  Before Lily, I would have assumed that a closed adoption would be the best way to do things.  The threat of another family created fear in my mind.  But now that I have Lily, I know that an open adoption is definitely better for her.  It's not like we could trick her.  Eventually she will look in the mirror and notice that something doesn't quite look the same.  And so we have been open with her since birth. Can you imagine dropping the bomb that your child was adopted if it was kept a secret for awhile? And wouldn't it look you considered it a bad thing if you had hidden it from them?  We have taken it upon ourselves to celebrate her adoption.  When she was adopted she became part German and part English.  She was always Canadian.  And when she was adopted a part of us became Inuit.  We are a family and when you are a family you are a piece of everyone in your family.  Adoption is a word that she learned just like shoe, juice, or ball.  I'm sure she doesn't completely understand it, but that understanding will eventually come to her just like understanding the concepts of big and little, or up and down.  We have adoption books in our house.  We read them as often as any other book and when she is older we will take part in events organized by the Adoption Support Centre.  I'm not fooling myself that there won't be issues.  Any parent thinking that they can guide their child to adulthood without issues is fooling themselves.
Lily is lucky to have wonderful birth parents.  It is not my place to tell their story, but I want everyone to know that they are selfless and loving people.  People ask me all the time if they are poor and unemployed. That is not the case.  They have five beautiful children; four girls and one boy. They are kind and smart and sweet.  We are all so lucky to have them as a part of our family.  It will be so much easier to tell Lily where she comes from and about her culture because we have them in our lives.  And of course, their kids are adorable.  They look a lot like Lily.
But we have cultural differences that we have to work through.  We were all uncomfortable at first.  You could tell that they wanted to run to Lily and hold her, but held themselves back understanding that she is shy like their own daughters.  We wanted to do different things in Winnipeg because different things were important to us.  We are in the city all the time so regular city things don't interest us on vacation, but that is entirely different for them.  We all met up at the Forks and went to the Children's Museum.  It was an opportunity for the kids to be kids and Lily spent a lot of time playing with her sisters.  They were really cute together.  There were twinges of jealousy when they would look at her like their own, but I was the one going home with her at the end of the day.  There was an aboriginal festival at the Forks and there was a demonstration of traditional Inuit games.  They were interesting to watch, especially with our own commentators.   And it was really hard to say our goodbyes.  We know we will see each other again.  We just don't know when.
We are so fortunate to have this experience, even without Lily being the joining factor.  Inuit people are part of our Canadian culture and I had no knowledge of their language or culture before this.  I am a better person because of them.

The trunk of shame

It was August and our baby girl was due to be born at any time.  Because of our past failures both in IVF and a previous adoption, we hadn't told many people about this opportunity.  We were much too scared it would blow up in our faces.  We tried to continue on with our lives as usual which included a camping trip in the mountains and a wedding in Flin Flon.  We were on call at all times and constantly checked our cell phones to make sure they had a signal and that the batteries weren't dead.  We had learned the hard way that when you purchase items in anticipation of an adoption, it is much too hard to decide what to do with them when it doesn't work out.  Because of this, we had only purchased a car seat and had borrowed a few sleepers from a close friend who knew our "secret".  Those items were stored in the trunk of our car so we could head straight to Winnipeg from where ever we were at the time.  But it was awkward.  What if someone opened up the trunk?  By now everyone knew of our struggles to have a baby....and everyone knew I obviously was not pregnant.  We had come to the conclusion that if someone were to see those items, they would assume that we were preparing to kidnap a baby.  Because of this, we made sure no one came near our car during the camping trip or the wedding.  In hindsight, we hid it as if we were embarrassed to assume we had a chance.  We later joked that it was our "trunk of shame."

The creation of family

I was happy...for a while.  At first the idea of having an only child was okay.  I had this wonderful little girl, I could get KFC with all the other mothers on Mother's Day, I was able to do all the kid stuff.  But then I thought about my own childhood.  Everything was better about my childhood because I had a brother.  I thought about our many camping trips and how we had entertained eachother.  It's not that I think that children are better because they have a sibling.  I don't think they need a sibling to be well-rounded or happy.  I just wanted Lily to have the kind of family memories that I had.  My quest for my first child was completely for me.  The quest for a second was for her.  I always knew that if we were offered another Inuit child, we would jump at the chance.  That would be the best scenario for Lily.  She would have someone to discuss her feelings of adoption with.  But I had realized that Lily was a once in a lifetime chance and that we couldn't count on another delivery from the stork.   Our decision to have a biological child had nothing to do with a desire to be pregnant or have a child that looked like us.  We already knew that those were small concerns in a lifetime with your child.  This time our quest for a biological child was a default after waiting for another adoption.  It's strange to think that when we wanted a biological child, we adopted.  When we wanted an adopted child, we got pregnant.  Maybe it was a lesson in unanswered prayers. 
After our first IVF cycle we had returned for a consultation.  Their suggestions were not at all what we wanted to do.  Because of this, I had a hard time talking Scott into going back.  Because our first cycle was a complete failure, we thought our chances of it working were small.  They explained that each cycle is individual and that our chances were the same as the first time.  I wasn't sure what Scott was thinking when we left the office, but he headed straight to the receptionist's office to pay our registration fee.  It was decided.  This was our next path in our journey to create our family.

Ho'omaika'i 'Ana Ma Ka Hiki 'Ana Mai O Kau Kaikamahine

We were finally there.  We had driven the whole way without stopping.  Scott was fairly comfortable in our Jetta but because he is so tall, he always needs to get out every couple hours to stretch his legs.  It had been 8 hours without a stretch.  He was really stiff.  I hopped out and took off running.  Halfway across the parking lot I realized I had forgotten my camera and went running back.  Scott was finally out of the car and stretching.  I took off running again.  I had no idea which way to go and once I finally found a sign I realized we were going the wrong way.  I turned around to run the other direction and realized that Scott was hobbling toward me.  I ran by him in the other direction so he turned around to follow.  I yelled, "Hurry up!" on my way by.  I knew he was going as fast as he could, but this was important.  We found the elevator and took it to the right floor.  Finally we found the room and there she was.  This tiny, beautiful baby girl with an incredible head of black hair.  We both wanted to pick her up but both of us were too scared.  Scott finally picked her up and cuddled her.  I know at this moment he became her father.  I have the most wonderful picture of him feeding her for the first time.   The look on his face says it all....love, disbelief, complete amazement.  The hospital had no idea how to deal with adoptions.  They didn't have an extra room so Lily was staying with her birth mom.  It was really hard to leave the hospital that night.  At the hotel, I couldn't sleep.  I knew it was probably the last time I could have a good night sleep, but something didn't feel right.  I knew that Scott had become Lily's father that night, but because Lily's birth mom was cuddling her that night, I had not become her mother.  We spent the next day at the hospital.  Both Lily and her birth mom were ready to leave, but no one wanted to discharge us because it was the weekend and they wanted the hospital social worker to see us and make sure we weren't doing anything illegal.  It was a wonderful/horrible day.  Our daughter had been born and we got to spend the day with her, but her room was her birth mom's room.  She had just given birth and she had two strangers sitting in her room all day.  Our other option was to sit in the waiting room which was drafty and loud.  We went back and forth between the two feeling awkward in both.  We were anxious and Lily picked up on it.  She wouldn't sleep much and cried lots.  I was still happy but scared. Again we had to leave her at the hospital with her birth mom for the night.  Another sleepless night but at least we knew we could take her home tomorrow.  For now she was safe with her mother, but still that mother was not me.  The next day Lily had a bit of a fever so we had to make sure it was down before we could go. The social worker came and apologized for the awkwardness at the hospital.  And finally it was time to go! We placed our baby in her car seat for the first time.  She was so tiny.  We walked to the hospital entrance with Lily's birth mom.  We said our good byes to the kindest selfless woman I had ever met and walked to our car.  As I placed the car seat in our car I had a rush of emotion.  I got into the car and closed the door.  I didn't realize how hard I was crying until Scott asked me if I was okay.  And then I realized....that was the moment that I became a mother.

How bad do you want it?

The story goes like this.  I wished upon a star (probably a million times) and begged and pleaded with the powers that be to please give me a child.  While making those wishes, the child I had in mind was blond and blue-eyed.  Of course, after years of trying, I had thought about adopting internationally.  Probably from Kazakhstan.  That's where blond-haired blue-eyed children come from.  I met two fantastic people during our first IVF cycle.  Even though that cycle was a very expensive failure, I still can say that their friendships are entirely worth it.  The statistics of IVF gave us a 2/3 chance of success.  There were three of us.  I was the 1/3 that was not successful.  Just as one dream of a family ended, another began.  One of those new friends had been offered a baby from Nunavut.  She was now pregnant and called me to tell me about that baby.  I was still totally devastated over the failure of our cycle and was not ready to set myself up again quite yet.  But my husband jumped at the chance.  If you know us at all, you know that this is totally opposite of both of our personalities.  I am the one running towards our new endeavor as the last one is completed.  He is the voice of reason.  But he wanted this.  I, on the other hand, was concerned that my family photos would look somehow wrong with this dark-haired dark-eyed child in them.  That is a statement that I never wanted to say out loud and here I am writing it for the world to see.  His response, "How bad do you want it?"  He was talking about motherhood...and wow, did I ever want it.  Of course, moving forward, there were many concerns about adopting.  Honestly, it's a super scary process...totally worth it, but really scary!!  I am thankful every day that he pushed the issue because I have the most beautiful, caring, affectionate, sweet daughter in the whole world.  And when I look at my family photos, I don't think about the fact that she is adopted.  It think about how lucky we are to be a family.  Now, when I meet people who are trying so hard to create a family but who are not interested at all in adopting, I think to myself, "How bad do you want it?"  I guess adoption is not right for everyone, but thankfully it was right for me!!

Code T

The first thing I did that morning was the same thing that I had done every morning for at least a month.  I woke up and looked at the picture of the Inuit girl on my dresser.  We had never met but had talked on the phone a few times.  In the picture she was holding her beautiful son.  She was pregnant and unsure that she could take care of another child.  We had agreed that when the baby was born in late July, we would be there to adopt him or her.  She was nervous to tell her Grandmother of the adoption because she would need her approval to give up her child, but knew she didn't want to raise the baby herself.  I was sure the baby was going to be a boy and I couldn't wait to finally be his mother.  We had started meeting with our adoption counsellor to create our homestudy and had paid the retainer fee to our lawyer to finalize our adoption.  Although this was not the way we had imagined we would create our family, we couldn't have been more excited.  That particular day was sunny and warm.  I stopped at the mail and was excited that the baby bedding I had ordered from ebay had arrived.  It was orange, blue, and red and had alphabets and animals on it.  It was going to be adorable in the nursery that I had envisioned in my mind. Our birth mom didn't have a phone but could use one at the neighbours if she wanted.  She left a message with our friend from Nunavut saying that she wanted me to call her at the neighbours later that morning.  I went to work for a bit then headed out to my car and called her from my cell phone.  The lady that answered spoke little English but from what I understood our birth mom was there and had something important to say.  That lady was her Grandmother and the last thing she said was that she was sorry.  While I waited on the phone, the sky opened up and it began to pour.  It was raining so hard I could hardly see across the parking lot.  There were flashes of lightening and loud thunder.  Because of the sudden storm, I was having a hard time hearing our birth mom as she told me that she had changed her mind and had decided to keep the baby.  She was crying, I was crying, and the sky was crying.  I sat in the car for a while watching the storm and thinking about all the things that had changed in that moment.  We weren't going to be parents.  We had gotten our hopes up for nothing AGAIN.  We would have another Christmas without kids...and worse, another Mother's Day. (Mother's Day is actually a cruel cruel holiday!!) Everyone around me would have a family and we would not.  What was I ever going to do with that adorable baby bedding?  Eventually I decided I wouldn't be able to go back into work.  I started the car and headed towards City Hospital.  I had to tell Scott the bad news.  On the radio they were talking about the tornado warning in the city.  As I drove I became angrier and angrier.  I did not deserve this!!  I arrived at the hospital and had to wait for Scott.  The hospital kept announcing "Code T" on the sound system.  On a regular day I would have been scared, but that moment I thought to myself, "Mother Nature, bring it on!" I shared the sad news with Scott and headed home.  On the way home, I realized that nature had felt what I had that day.  Is it possible that I caused that "Code T"?

Waiting for the phone to ring

On August 25, 2007, we received a phone call at 8:00 am to tell us that our birth mother was in active labor.  She had previous pregnancies and always gave birth before her due date.  We assumed that this baby would be early as well and so we had been anxiously waiting for news for the past three weeks.  By this point, we were actually wondering if the baby was ever going to be born.  Maybe she had decided it was going to be easier to live in her birth mother forever? We had been trying to have a family for a long time and had been disappointed many times before.  Because of this, we hadn't told many people about this adoption.  It was almost impossible to wait it out in silence, but finally the phone rang.  Active labor!?!  That was good, right???  As adoptive parents, we hadn't taken any prenatal classes so we could only assume something would happen soon.  I had imagined this moment for weeks.  I knew that the moment I got that call I would jump up and pack everything I needed so we could begin our 8 hour drive to pick up our daughter.  Except I couldn't.  That was before we had children and it was Saturday morning so we were still in bed.  Both Scott and I were frozen and remained frozen, laying silently in our bed for another 2 hours.  And finally another call.  Congratulations.  She's a beautiful baby girl.  And then the frantic packing began.  We were off to meet our daughter!  It was time to share the news with the world!!