The Home Study

People have said the same thing over and over and I used to agree.  What right does someone have to judge your life and your home before you can adopt?  No one checks out the pregnant mom to make sure she is competent.  It's true that there is no license to birth...but maybe there should be.  Our home study asked lots of questions about us.  But it taught us a lot too.  We had the most amazing facilitator.  She answered tons of our questions and stopped in to make sure we were doing okay long after her responsibilities were complete.  Adoption isn't easy and she helped guide us through laws, emotions, and future concerns.  So many people with kids the same age as ours are struggling with what kind of discipline they should use and whether or not they like the role that the opposite parent is playing.  While we don't always agree, our ideas about discipline were out on the table long before we needed them.  We discussed what to do when you've reached your last straw, who your support system is going to be, and what to do when your kid bites you for the first time.  I can almost guarantee that during pregnancy most parents are not prepared for the things that we learned in our home study sessions. 
And there were tons of questions.  I guess the best way to understand it is that the facilitator is there to protect the child.  Every parental change in a child's life is going to add challenge.  A child that is going to be adopted already has that to deal with eventually in life.  It would be horrible for that adoption to fail or to have to remove that child from their new family.  So they have to ensure that you are ready to adopt, that you understand the challenges that adoption may present, that you can handle the challenges of parenting, and that you are going to be a good parent in general.  They ask everything.  They want to know your medical history.  They want to know what kind of relationship you have with your family.  What kind of discipline did your parents use?  Do you think that it worked?  What kind of discipline will you use?  What if your child has some sort of disability?  If a disability is recognized at birth, will you go through with the adoption?  Have you been pressured into adoption by your partner?  Who will help you when you can't do it all on your own?  Will your family/friends support your decision to adopt?  Do you know anyone who is adopted?  They look at your police record, your marriage certificate, and your financial information.  You don't have to be rich, but you do have to be able to support your child(ren).  And her suggestion was always to be honest.  It would be easier to discuss an issue in advance than to learn later that you have lied.  Our infertility literally made us crazy and we had a hard time relating to others, especially family members.  This put a strain on many relationships at that time.  We not only were honest about the issue, but she actually made suggestions on how to handle the issue.  Things are better now, but at the time we were concerned that telling the truth would be detrimental.  That was not the case.
There are no surprise visits like they suggest on television.  She made two scheduled visits; one before placement and once after to make sure everything was going well.  The morning of our first visit, our vacuum broke and we had cat hair on our floor.  During the second visit, Lily spent a awful lot of time crying (because she did a lot of crying in the first few months).  Neither of those things were an issue as she was there to look at the big picture and to make sure we were all doing well.  She did visit after that but only to be helpful and not as a requirement to our home study.  I hear many of her words in my head as I journey through parenthood and I have tried many of her suggestions.
I think we were very fortunate to have had the experience that we had.  I think that prenatal classes tell you very little about the journey that you are heading into.  I think that everyone should have the opportunity to do some sort of home study.  We learned a lot about parenting but also a lot about each other.  And I also learned a lot about me.