Peace

It's January 2007.  Scott and I are floating in the ocean off of Poipu Beach in Kauai.  We are talking about how our fertility journey is finally coming to an end.  We are scheduled to begin IVF when we get back.  I am barely hanging on at this point.  I should probably be on medication to deal with the depression over our inability to have a family.  (I didn't at the time because I didn't want to have to put that on my adoption application if we decided to adopt.  FYI...only one international country lists depression as a reason not to allow you to adopt.  In Saskatchewan they just want you to be honest.)  I actually have an eye twitch that never goes away.  I cried in the airport when they asked why I had a nail clipper in my carry on.  I fainted on the plane.  (You get free food if you faint on the plane.) Thankfully we are on vacation and I have the chance to relax before starting our treatments. 

I was in a car accident when I was 16.  The vehicle that we were driving rolled and ended up on its side.  The other two passengers were thrown from the vehicle.  I had to climb up and out of the window to get out.  I jumped back down and looked around for my friends.  I know I found her but I can't remember seeing her.  I just knew I had to run for help. 

The brain has an amazing ability to let us forget.  I have never been able to remember what she looked like when I found her.  All I can remember is looking down and it's black.  I remember that the struggle through infertility was really horrible.  I became lost in it.  I became obsessed.  I became someone that I wasn't supposed to be.  But once again the brain did what it was supposed to.  I can't remember exactly how it felt.

Unfortunately that first IVF failed, but fortunately that helped us to adopt Lily.  Everything happened as it should have.  I have a wonderful family and I am at peace. 

I was sharing some of my story with a new friend the other day and she said that she felt so bad for me.  I hope that this blog hasn't made any of you feel bad for me.  I am incredibly happy and incredibly lucky.  I made it through our journey...I would like to say with flying colors, but okay that just wasn't the case. 

But about finding peace.  There's no instructions on how to get there.  Unfortunately you have to keep fighting through and making incredibly hard decisions about your completely unknown future.  The sense of peace will come when you get there.  It's just impossible to know when that will be.