Unforgivable

Woman accused in baby stabbing diagnosed with postpartum depression

I remember the day that this story hit the news. Who in their right mind could harm an innocent child? I felt angry at this woman for hurting her child. And I was traumatized by the fact that the baby will never get to live a normal life because of a senseless act. It really hit home because this woman lived in the same town as me. She lived on the same street as a friend of mine. And she lived in a really good part of town. How could this happen in police presence? How could it have gotten this far? I used to work at the Regional Psychiatric Centre. I know what it's like in there and I could picture her sitting there and trying to understand what happened. And I wondered what kind of answers she would come up with.
A while later I was sitting with two of my most favorite friends and we began to discuss this story. And one of them said that she had been wondering why I had yet to blog about this situation. And I realized that the reason that she was asking is because she thinks the mother had post-partum depression. And at that instant I began to feel this enormous pressure on my chest. I hid it well because we were out having a good time and I didn't want to ruin it with my thinking. But I suddenly could feel the panic and sadness of my own post-partum depression. Since then I have tried hard not to think about this woman and her child. I didn't want to be able to see it from her perspective. I was fortunate enough to never want to harm my children. Not once did I ever feel the urge to hurt them. But I was fortunate. Post-partum depression is a chemical imbalance. It is not rational or forgiving. There were so many instances when I couldn't make a decision. I was often frozen in indecisiveness. I had days when I wanted to go back to my life without my baby and days when I couldn't get out of bed. But I was fortunate to have an amazing support system that got me though it all. I can't stop to think what would have happened if I hadn't.
When I called this blog unforgivable, it wasn't because I think that what this woman did was unforgivable. It is not my place to judge. But I know that post-partum depression passes and you eventually return to the person you were. Unfortunately the guilt of what you thought or felt at that time follows you, but I guess everything that we experience forms you. When I am talking about unforgivable I am talking about the inability for that mother to forgive herself. When the cloud of despair eventually lifts she will not have the opportunity to return to her life prior to post-partum depression. Instead she will be overcome with another type of despair. The reality of what she did will become clear. That's why I called this blog unforgivable. I know that she will never be able to come to peace with her clouded decisions. She will always in her own mind be unforgivable.