There have been times in my life when I was too sad to see the good things in life. To make up for it I have been trying to watch carefully and not miss another moment. I have always had seasonal affective disorder. The sky turns white, the days shorten, the snow falls and I become sad. That's not going to happen this year. I am going into this winter happier than I remember being in a long time. And I have a new outlook on winter. I am watching people around me who love winter and I am going to catch a ride on their piece of happiness. And every time it snows I am going to catch a snowflake on my mitten and stare at that tiny perfect little design. I just realized today the beauty of the finger drifts crossing the road in front of me. And how much more beautiful the sunrise is against that pure white background.
There is a song about only being happy when it rains. I'm not sure that I'm only happy when it rains but it definitely helps. I love the feeling of it on my face, the smell, the designs in the sidewalk. I love the rippled reflections in puddles and the sound of heavy rain on the roof. But most of all I like to open the sunroof and let it rain on me.
I secretly adore dandelions. They are beautiful yellow splendor. Who are we to call them a weed? They are the most amazing flower. You can smell them. You can eat them. You can make them into wine. Even I can't kill them. And I don't have to water them either. I have taught both of my kids to consider them as flowers and to blow those fuzzy seeds in every direction.
I love water. The ocean. The river. The lake. I love the sound. I love the coolness on a warm day. I love the smiles on everyone's faces. I wish everyone could swim so they can feel the pure joy of swimming on top of a giant wave. Okay, I like it less when it rips off my bikini top. But basically my bikini days are over anyway. Lately I have learned to stare at the glassy top of the river in awe of that perfect reflection. Today I watched the beginning of ice forming as it flowed by.
I used to hate fall. All it meant to me was the end of summer. I realized this year that it is absolutely gorgeous. Leaves falling on a wedding can make the vows that much more romantic. And the sound of leaves rustling in the wind is so relaxing. And the colors. The amazing colors of fall. It's such an amazing season.
And the feeling of love. I can't decide if it's better to realize you love or to be loved. But either way, love is the best feeling of all. Whether a look or a touch, it is the very best. Nothing beats love.
Oh right....and coffee. But I'll save that for another day.
Isis is the goddess of motherhood, magic, and fertility. She is also the goddess of children from whom all beginnings arose. Isis is the goddess of my personal struggles in life. I want to portray moments or snap shots of my life in a humorous manner in hopes that sharing my experiences may decrease the pain of others in similar circumstances. The journey has many twists and turns but I hope all will find their successful end.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Airport extravaganza
It is officially 7:47 pm. I know this because I am one finger typing (yes I am terrible at texting typing) on my
iPhone. It is much easier to blog on my
computer but it is unavailable because I am sitting in the Calgary airport waiting to board my 5:00 pm flight to Vancouver. Did I mention it is 7:47 pm? My plane is broken. I am hoping to board a 10:00 pm flight although that flight was originally at 9:30 pm so it's kinda hard to know. Let me take a moment to explain that I am not complaining. There is a silver lining to every cloud. This silver lining is that I am sitting in an airport lazy boy, drinking Starbucks and ALONE. I would love to have some company but I am extremely happy that my kids are not joining me in this delay. The silver lining is that they are in the comfort of their own home with daddy and grandma.
I am super excited to be attending a conference in Vancouver this weekend. I truly believe the conference will be phenomenal. However, I was super excited to ride a plane alone. I was gonna listen to music and read a book. I was NOT going to talk to strangers.
But I met this incredible man. He is an addictions specialist who also specializes in ADHD. He works with the correctional services of Canada and is doing a presentation at a pain conference in Vancouver this weekend. He used to do medical missionary work in the Congo. He has 3 biological kids, 4 adopted kids, and 1 foster kid. As if I could listen to headphones when this incredibly interesting man was sitting there.
On to Calgary. Grab a snack and sit beside the worlds biggest complainer. The room is too cold, the sun in his eyes, hotels are too expensive, and he deserves better because he's important. Needless to say, I never asked what he did for a living. Probably because I DIDN'T CARE!!! But I was super excited to be sitting next to him when the announced our five hour delay. Grumpy man's devastated expression....priceless.
On to the food voucher line. Spoke with a nice gentleman who was incredibly sad to be missing his son's soccer practice. I cheered him up by sharing the fact that we are lucky not to have to stand in a food voucher line on a regular basis.
Oh yes, I'm a comedian. Now I've got a crowd. Really nice lady next to me. We start talking about how I'm okay with the delay because I'm gonna relax with a book. Maybe the first time since the kids are born? We start talking about our families. We receive our $10 voucher (seriously...they even work here. Don't they know there isn't anything for $10). Christine asks me to join her for supper. We have a wonderful conversation about my kids, her kids, our careers, our travels, and our wine...which hit the spot!!! Hours pass. Time well spent.
Here's to an unexpected day in the airport and to the wonderful people I met. Who would have thought. All because I chose to make the best of the situation.
I must go watch the planes and drink my Starbucks!!! Bon voyage.
iPhone. It is much easier to blog on my
computer but it is unavailable because I am sitting in the Calgary airport waiting to board my 5:00 pm flight to Vancouver. Did I mention it is 7:47 pm? My plane is broken. I am hoping to board a 10:00 pm flight although that flight was originally at 9:30 pm so it's kinda hard to know. Let me take a moment to explain that I am not complaining. There is a silver lining to every cloud. This silver lining is that I am sitting in an airport lazy boy, drinking Starbucks and ALONE. I would love to have some company but I am extremely happy that my kids are not joining me in this delay. The silver lining is that they are in the comfort of their own home with daddy and grandma.
I am super excited to be attending a conference in Vancouver this weekend. I truly believe the conference will be phenomenal. However, I was super excited to ride a plane alone. I was gonna listen to music and read a book. I was NOT going to talk to strangers.
But I met this incredible man. He is an addictions specialist who also specializes in ADHD. He works with the correctional services of Canada and is doing a presentation at a pain conference in Vancouver this weekend. He used to do medical missionary work in the Congo. He has 3 biological kids, 4 adopted kids, and 1 foster kid. As if I could listen to headphones when this incredibly interesting man was sitting there.
On to Calgary. Grab a snack and sit beside the worlds biggest complainer. The room is too cold, the sun in his eyes, hotels are too expensive, and he deserves better because he's important. Needless to say, I never asked what he did for a living. Probably because I DIDN'T CARE!!! But I was super excited to be sitting next to him when the announced our five hour delay. Grumpy man's devastated expression....priceless.
On to the food voucher line. Spoke with a nice gentleman who was incredibly sad to be missing his son's soccer practice. I cheered him up by sharing the fact that we are lucky not to have to stand in a food voucher line on a regular basis.
Oh yes, I'm a comedian. Now I've got a crowd. Really nice lady next to me. We start talking about how I'm okay with the delay because I'm gonna relax with a book. Maybe the first time since the kids are born? We start talking about our families. We receive our $10 voucher (seriously...they even work here. Don't they know there isn't anything for $10). Christine asks me to join her for supper. We have a wonderful conversation about my kids, her kids, our careers, our travels, and our wine...which hit the spot!!! Hours pass. Time well spent.
Here's to an unexpected day in the airport and to the wonderful people I met. Who would have thought. All because I chose to make the best of the situation.
I must go watch the planes and drink my Starbucks!!! Bon voyage.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
11/09/11
Today is an amazingly emotional day. And not because of anyone I know personally. The day began with that feeling of someone staring at you until you open your eyes. Lily is my personal alarm clock. And no matter how many times I have been awakened that way the moment I open my eyes and see those beautiful brown eyes looking back my heart races and I say, "What's wrong?" and everyday she says to me, "Mom, the sun's up." And like I'm sure every parent reacts, I look at my watch to see if I should say, "Get back to bed" or if I should turn on the television and hope she's quiet for a few more minutes of precious sleep. Or if it's actually time to get up. Today was a television morning. And of course the first thing on was a picture of the twin towers.
I remember that morning. I know where I was just like everyone knows where they were. I was in bed. My phone rang and I didn't answer it. And then it rang again immediately after so I rolled over and picked it up. On the other end was my brother. "Turn on the television." I say, "Which channel?" and he says, "Doesn't really matter." My brother and I have an interesting relationship. We don't talk often and usually not about anything important but we both know that if we needed each other, one of us would race to the other's side in an instant. My brother never phones in the morning. My brother is not awake if he's not at work in the morning. This was weird. I turned on the television and immediately saw the twin towers. Only one plane had crashed at this point and I had no idea what was going on. We sat in silence and watched the second plane hit. He was upset. I was upset. In that instant we knew the world had changed.
Here we are on the anniversary of that day and I am still amazed how all those people came together to try to rescue the people in the towers. Without fear or selfishness, they ran into danger in hopes of doing something good. Amazing.
And while I am trying to remember all the great things that people did that day while trying not to be overwelmed by the absolute sadness of all that was lost, I realize that two provinces over there was a miracle today. A three year old boy who was kidnapped four days earlier is returned relatively unharmed. I am not fooled into believing that life will be the same for that boy, but honestly I did not believe there would be a good outcome to this horrible situation. Every time I thought about that boy over the last few days I pictured my own children. And every time I saw his parents I felt their pain. And every parent will now live in fear just a tiny bit more when they tuck their child in every night. That sense of peace knowing that your child is safely asleep in their own bed has been stolen.
What an amazingly incredibly happy but sad day. I got through it all because I spent the day in a corn maze chasing my kids and hoping that Jack would slow down before he got lost. We ate at the Berry Barn and played in the sand beside the river. I painted my toe nails the color Lily chose and painted hers every color we own. And we are making Lily and Jack's favorite food. Ribs. And every five minutes Lily says, "I smell ribs. When do we eat?" And I realize life is worth it. The good and the bad.
It is all worth it!!
Three year old BC boy found safe
I remember that morning. I know where I was just like everyone knows where they were. I was in bed. My phone rang and I didn't answer it. And then it rang again immediately after so I rolled over and picked it up. On the other end was my brother. "Turn on the television." I say, "Which channel?" and he says, "Doesn't really matter." My brother and I have an interesting relationship. We don't talk often and usually not about anything important but we both know that if we needed each other, one of us would race to the other's side in an instant. My brother never phones in the morning. My brother is not awake if he's not at work in the morning. This was weird. I turned on the television and immediately saw the twin towers. Only one plane had crashed at this point and I had no idea what was going on. We sat in silence and watched the second plane hit. He was upset. I was upset. In that instant we knew the world had changed.
Here we are on the anniversary of that day and I am still amazed how all those people came together to try to rescue the people in the towers. Without fear or selfishness, they ran into danger in hopes of doing something good. Amazing.
And while I am trying to remember all the great things that people did that day while trying not to be overwelmed by the absolute sadness of all that was lost, I realize that two provinces over there was a miracle today. A three year old boy who was kidnapped four days earlier is returned relatively unharmed. I am not fooled into believing that life will be the same for that boy, but honestly I did not believe there would be a good outcome to this horrible situation. Every time I thought about that boy over the last few days I pictured my own children. And every time I saw his parents I felt their pain. And every parent will now live in fear just a tiny bit more when they tuck their child in every night. That sense of peace knowing that your child is safely asleep in their own bed has been stolen.
What an amazingly incredibly happy but sad day. I got through it all because I spent the day in a corn maze chasing my kids and hoping that Jack would slow down before he got lost. We ate at the Berry Barn and played in the sand beside the river. I painted my toe nails the color Lily chose and painted hers every color we own. And we are making Lily and Jack's favorite food. Ribs. And every five minutes Lily says, "I smell ribs. When do we eat?" And I realize life is worth it. The good and the bad.
Three year old BC boy found safe
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Niceness....to a fault
I'm one of those people who is too nice. Don't think I am tooting my own horn here. In my case it's actually a personality flaw. And I know where it comes from. My mom. Just so you know, if you ever are alone on Christmas or Thanksgiving, her house is always open. Even if she would rather have a quiet family gathering, it will never happen because her instinct is to include anyone and everyone who may be alone on the holidays. Now I don't know if mine is inherited or a learned behaviour...but either way, if you need someone to bake cookies for your sale, sell tickets, or babysit your kids, I'm there.
If we are close friends and you are reading this and wondering if I am talking about you, I'm not. I still have the inability to say no to you but I don't mind because it is reciprocated. I'm talking about the person I never see who wants me to come to their birthday party. The lady with no friends that I have nothing in common with. The co-worker selling Amway who has no supporters. Not only will I attend your party but out of fear that you won't get presents, I will bring the biggest one. And the lady I have nothing in common with will be invited to my home on a regular basis because she appears to be lonely. And to the guy selling Amway...I would love to continue buying your stuff on a regular basis even though it is super expensive. Did you know you can order toilet paper from Amway?
You're probably wondering why this is a concern for me. And that reason is because I only have so much time in a day. I have two wonderfully busy kids. A husband who would like some attention from time to time. And I manage a busy pharmacy full time. I have very little spare time and I have a hard time trying to juggle all the things I want to do. Don't get me wrong. I love being nice. I actually feel incredibly guilty if I say no. So much so that it is often better to just do it than it is to deal with feeling bad about saying no way past when the "favour" would be over. I love to put on the baby shower, the bridal shower, the surprise party, bake the cookies, and the cupcakes, and come in on my day off to open the pharmacy. I really do. It feels good to be nice. It just sucks when I realize that I just spent all that time away from my family and that I missed the park with my kids while I quickly ran into work.
And there you have it...niceness to a fault. And what will I do about it? Nothing. Cause that would be mean. And I just don't have it in me.
If we are close friends and you are reading this and wondering if I am talking about you, I'm not. I still have the inability to say no to you but I don't mind because it is reciprocated. I'm talking about the person I never see who wants me to come to their birthday party. The lady with no friends that I have nothing in common with. The co-worker selling Amway who has no supporters. Not only will I attend your party but out of fear that you won't get presents, I will bring the biggest one. And the lady I have nothing in common with will be invited to my home on a regular basis because she appears to be lonely. And to the guy selling Amway...I would love to continue buying your stuff on a regular basis even though it is super expensive. Did you know you can order toilet paper from Amway?
You're probably wondering why this is a concern for me. And that reason is because I only have so much time in a day. I have two wonderfully busy kids. A husband who would like some attention from time to time. And I manage a busy pharmacy full time. I have very little spare time and I have a hard time trying to juggle all the things I want to do. Don't get me wrong. I love being nice. I actually feel incredibly guilty if I say no. So much so that it is often better to just do it than it is to deal with feeling bad about saying no way past when the "favour" would be over. I love to put on the baby shower, the bridal shower, the surprise party, bake the cookies, and the cupcakes, and come in on my day off to open the pharmacy. I really do. It feels good to be nice. It just sucks when I realize that I just spent all that time away from my family and that I missed the park with my kids while I quickly ran into work.
And there you have it...niceness to a fault. And what will I do about it? Nothing. Cause that would be mean. And I just don't have it in me.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Unforgivable
Woman accused in baby stabbing diagnosed with postpartum depression
I remember the day that this story hit the news. Who in their right mind could harm an innocent child? I felt angry at this woman for hurting her child. And I was traumatized by the fact that the baby will never get to live a normal life because of a senseless act. It really hit home because this woman lived in the same town as me. She lived on the same street as a friend of mine. And she lived in a really good part of town. How could this happen in police presence? How could it have gotten this far? I used to work at the Regional Psychiatric Centre. I know what it's like in there and I could picture her sitting there and trying to understand what happened. And I wondered what kind of answers she would come up with.
A while later I was sitting with two of my most favorite friends and we began to discuss this story. And one of them said that she had been wondering why I had yet to blog about this situation. And I realized that the reason that she was asking is because she thinks the mother had post-partum depression. And at that instant I began to feel this enormous pressure on my chest. I hid it well because we were out having a good time and I didn't want to ruin it with my thinking. But I suddenly could feel the panic and sadness of my own post-partum depression. Since then I have tried hard not to think about this woman and her child. I didn't want to be able to see it from her perspective. I was fortunate enough to never want to harm my children. Not once did I ever feel the urge to hurt them. But I was fortunate. Post-partum depression is a chemical imbalance. It is not rational or forgiving. There were so many instances when I couldn't make a decision. I was often frozen in indecisiveness. I had days when I wanted to go back to my life without my baby and days when I couldn't get out of bed. But I was fortunate to have an amazing support system that got me though it all. I can't stop to think what would have happened if I hadn't.
When I called this blog unforgivable, it wasn't because I think that what this woman did was unforgivable. It is not my place to judge. But I know that post-partum depression passes and you eventually return to the person you were. Unfortunately the guilt of what you thought or felt at that time follows you, but I guess everything that we experience forms you. When I am talking about unforgivable I am talking about the inability for that mother to forgive herself. When the cloud of despair eventually lifts she will not have the opportunity to return to her life prior to post-partum depression. Instead she will be overcome with another type of despair. The reality of what she did will become clear. That's why I called this blog unforgivable. I know that she will never be able to come to peace with her clouded decisions. She will always in her own mind be unforgivable.
I remember the day that this story hit the news. Who in their right mind could harm an innocent child? I felt angry at this woman for hurting her child. And I was traumatized by the fact that the baby will never get to live a normal life because of a senseless act. It really hit home because this woman lived in the same town as me. She lived on the same street as a friend of mine. And she lived in a really good part of town. How could this happen in police presence? How could it have gotten this far? I used to work at the Regional Psychiatric Centre. I know what it's like in there and I could picture her sitting there and trying to understand what happened. And I wondered what kind of answers she would come up with.
A while later I was sitting with two of my most favorite friends and we began to discuss this story. And one of them said that she had been wondering why I had yet to blog about this situation. And I realized that the reason that she was asking is because she thinks the mother had post-partum depression. And at that instant I began to feel this enormous pressure on my chest. I hid it well because we were out having a good time and I didn't want to ruin it with my thinking. But I suddenly could feel the panic and sadness of my own post-partum depression. Since then I have tried hard not to think about this woman and her child. I didn't want to be able to see it from her perspective. I was fortunate enough to never want to harm my children. Not once did I ever feel the urge to hurt them. But I was fortunate. Post-partum depression is a chemical imbalance. It is not rational or forgiving. There were so many instances when I couldn't make a decision. I was often frozen in indecisiveness. I had days when I wanted to go back to my life without my baby and days when I couldn't get out of bed. But I was fortunate to have an amazing support system that got me though it all. I can't stop to think what would have happened if I hadn't.
When I called this blog unforgivable, it wasn't because I think that what this woman did was unforgivable. It is not my place to judge. But I know that post-partum depression passes and you eventually return to the person you were. Unfortunately the guilt of what you thought or felt at that time follows you, but I guess everything that we experience forms you. When I am talking about unforgivable I am talking about the inability for that mother to forgive herself. When the cloud of despair eventually lifts she will not have the opportunity to return to her life prior to post-partum depression. Instead she will be overcome with another type of despair. The reality of what she did will become clear. That's why I called this blog unforgivable. I know that she will never be able to come to peace with her clouded decisions. She will always in her own mind be unforgivable.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Where are you?
Sorry for the disappearing act but I have been busy. I am absolutely loving my new job. I desperately miss the amazing people I have worked with over the last ten years but the change has proved to be the right choice. I have been thoroughly amazed by what we do. The reason for my disappearing act is that I have a ton of learning to do. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I am a fairly good pharmacist. I have kept up with the changing medical information and I can answer questions and counsel patients with the best of them. But right now I am constantly and continually reminded that I am in over my head. I can actually feel the pathways forming in my brain as I learn new information on a constant basis. There is a way to replenish your vitamin D stores in less than a week. There are bioidentical hormones that can help with any and every hormonal imbalance without the risk of heart disease or cancer. There are things you can do for autism. There is a whole range of treatments for erectile dysfunction (even though they have to stick needles in their penis) We can pretty much make a treatment for every issue. I am in complete awe of this part of pharmacy that I hardly knew existed.
But I am also really loving life. Poor Scott now has to pick up the kids from daycare and make supper every night. My hours are great because I don't have any more evenings or weekends but I do work till 5:30 everyday. I have been missing the time with the kids in the evenings, but knowing that I have every weekend free is amazing. I have had the opportunity to meet up with friends some evenings because I don't feel guilty that I have already worked some. And when someone asks me if I am free on a weekend in the future, I don't have to worry about what my schedule might look like and I can make plans.
And on a completely different note, I have began to decrease my Celexa. I am a little nervous that I won't recognize that I am slipping if it happens so please let me know know if you have any concerns with my behavior. Scott is honestly terrified which I go between understanding and being sad. I do not think that begin on an antidepressant is wrong or that the stigma should exist. I just am really feeling good about things right now and I want to try out life without it.
I am sitting in a quiet house missing my kids but loving the silence. Before the job change I was supposed to work this weekend and Scott is at work right now. We had arranged for the kids to go spend the weekend with their grandparents. And Grandma and Grandpa were so excited that it seemed mean to take it back. I think that a quiet weekend alone will make me miss them and maybe I will be a bit better of a mom because of it. I just have to figure out what I am going to do after this....
But I am also really loving life. Poor Scott now has to pick up the kids from daycare and make supper every night. My hours are great because I don't have any more evenings or weekends but I do work till 5:30 everyday. I have been missing the time with the kids in the evenings, but knowing that I have every weekend free is amazing. I have had the opportunity to meet up with friends some evenings because I don't feel guilty that I have already worked some. And when someone asks me if I am free on a weekend in the future, I don't have to worry about what my schedule might look like and I can make plans.
And on a completely different note, I have began to decrease my Celexa. I am a little nervous that I won't recognize that I am slipping if it happens so please let me know know if you have any concerns with my behavior. Scott is honestly terrified which I go between understanding and being sad. I do not think that begin on an antidepressant is wrong or that the stigma should exist. I just am really feeling good about things right now and I want to try out life without it.
I am sitting in a quiet house missing my kids but loving the silence. Before the job change I was supposed to work this weekend and Scott is at work right now. We had arranged for the kids to go spend the weekend with their grandparents. And Grandma and Grandpa were so excited that it seemed mean to take it back. I think that a quiet weekend alone will make me miss them and maybe I will be a bit better of a mom because of it. I just have to figure out what I am going to do after this....
Saturday, April 23, 2011
wOKe uP oLD
It's been a long time since I have actually enjoyed my birthday. Don't get me wrong...I've had some great parties and have spent many of them with people that I love. It's just that when you turn thirteen you become a teenager, sixteen is your drivers license, voting at eighteen, drinking at nineteen, legal in the US at 21....from then on it's kinda down hill. Twenty five is closer to thirty than twenty...and it seems to move faster from there.
I woke up the other day and realized I was no longer a teenager. I'm assuming that most people figure that out in their twenties...I'm not sure how I missed it. I am one of those annoying people who thinks she understands teens because she just was one...way over a decade ago. I'm old.
I woke up and realized I have the body of someone who has had a baby...the wrinkles of a past lifeguard...and that I no longer wash my hair or shave my legs near as often as I used to. I guess it's because it all doesn't matter that much anymore. Or does it? Do I really want to be that person that blends in with the wall paper or would I rather command some attention when I walk into a room. I don't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, I just want to be relevant. I guess my personality often keeps me from getting completely ignored....but is that enough?
Nope...I want to be sexy. Not that freaky sexy that some older women try to achieve...you know, married cougar with kids. Not exactly what I am looking for. I just don't want to be a frumpy mommy. So I need to find that new me...the sexiest middle-aged (said with a frown) woman that I can be.
I have no idea where to start...but here's to me! Wish me luck....
I woke up the other day and realized I was no longer a teenager. I'm assuming that most people figure that out in their twenties...I'm not sure how I missed it. I am one of those annoying people who thinks she understands teens because she just was one...way over a decade ago. I'm old.
I woke up and realized I have the body of someone who has had a baby...the wrinkles of a past lifeguard...and that I no longer wash my hair or shave my legs near as often as I used to. I guess it's because it all doesn't matter that much anymore. Or does it? Do I really want to be that person that blends in with the wall paper or would I rather command some attention when I walk into a room. I don't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, I just want to be relevant. I guess my personality often keeps me from getting completely ignored....but is that enough?
Nope...I want to be sexy. Not that freaky sexy that some older women try to achieve...you know, married cougar with kids. Not exactly what I am looking for. I just don't want to be a frumpy mommy. So I need to find that new me...the sexiest middle-aged (said with a frown) woman that I can be.
I have no idea where to start...but here's to me! Wish me luck....
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