If Your Christmas Isn't Merry

I think I've finally found my Christmas spirit. My presents are all wrapped and my kids are excited. I'm looking forward to seeing my family. The weather looks like its going to cooperate....although that's relative to whether or not you need a white Christmas. This year I am incredibly lucky. I have family that loves me. I have the ability financially to give the gifts I want to. I won't go as far as to say I wouldn't like more money because there's absolutely no one who couldn't spend an extra dollar, but I am incredibly lucky to have the life that I do.
But while I'm thinking of all the joy around me I'm still empathetic to those whose Christmas won't be merry. Christmas is a time for celebrating all the wonderful things in your life. But what if those things aren't merry? One year deep into our infertility struggles I cried during Christmas mass because I was jealous that Mary had a baby and I did not. In hindsight I recognize the silliness of that statement but at that moment all I could do was look around at all the other moms sharing Christmas with their kids and wonder why it wasn't me. Now during Christmas mass I wonder why I didn't notice that those moms were desperately trying to keep their kids quiet and occupied. It looked so much easier when I was watching.
Today I'm thinking about the woman whose husband is currently in palliative care. Or the parents who just lost their beautiful baby girl. Or the mom who just miscarried at four months. I'm not trying to make you less joyous. I just want to take a moment and consider their feelings. Maybe an extra card saying you care or an extra thought or hug or prayer is needed.
Enjoy your holiday season. Drive safe. Eat lots. And consider those around you. Maybe you can make someone else's Christmas just a little bit more Merry.

As much as you can handle...

Whether you are a religious person or not I truly believe that in your lifetime you will not be given more heartache than you can handle. Call me impossibly optimistic but this is how I survive.
I started this blog for two reasons. The first was to share my experiences. During our struggles with infertility and post partum depression I felt so alone. I felt like everyone around me was pregnant and that those little bundles of joy were exactly that...joy...to everyone but me. I realized later that I wasn't alone and that no one ever talked about it. So that's why I share. But the second reason was more selfish. I found it incredibly therapeutic. I'm not sure if it was just writing it all out or if it was feeling that by helping others it made my pain worthwhile. But either way, blogging has made me feel better. If you follow regularly, you may have noticed that I blog much less often. I am busier but it's mostly because I have shared most of what I needed to say and I no longer require the therapy. Until today. Today's post is selfish because I need to put it down to get past it in my mind. Life is incredibly hard and unfair. Today I am bitter and I am hoping this will help.
Today I am thinking back to how I felt during my struggle to become mom. I truly believe that I could not have handled more than I was handed during this time. One more disappointment would have pushed me over the edge. I have watched so many people endure similar struggles and I can feel their pain because it is all too familiar. Today I learned of two people who must be much stronger than I am. They have been dealt an incredibly unfair hand. They are required to endure sorrow unlike any I have experienced. And because I know you are only given what you can handle, I know they will survive. They must be incredibly resilient.
I promise to share their story when the time is right. Right now it is not mine to tell. And at this point their story is far from over. I know their story will have a happy ending. It just seems really far away today. If you are religious say a prayer and if you are not send a thought. Because sometimes you just need that extra push to get through.

These are a few of my favorite things

There have been times in my life when I was too sad to see the good things in life. To make up for it I have been trying to watch carefully and not miss another moment. I have always had seasonal affective disorder. The sky turns white, the days shorten, the snow falls and I become sad. That's not going to happen this year. I am going into this winter happier than I remember being in a long time. And I have a new outlook on winter. I am watching people around me who love winter and I am going to catch a ride on their piece of happiness. And every time it snows I am going to catch a snowflake on my mitten and stare at that tiny perfect little design. I just realized today the beauty of the finger drifts crossing the road in front of me. And how much more beautiful the sunrise is against that pure white background.
There is a song about only being happy when it rains. I'm not sure that I'm only happy when it rains but it definitely helps. I love the feeling of it on my face, the smell, the designs in the sidewalk. I love the rippled reflections in puddles and the sound of heavy rain on the roof. But most of all I like to open the sunroof and let it rain on me.
I secretly adore dandelions. They are beautiful yellow splendor. Who are we to call them a weed? They are the most amazing flower. You can smell them. You can eat them. You can make them into wine. Even I can't kill them. And I don't have to water them either. I have taught both of my kids to consider them as flowers and to blow those fuzzy seeds in every direction.
I love water. The ocean. The river. The lake. I love the sound. I love the coolness on a warm day. I love the smiles on everyone's faces. I wish everyone could swim so they can feel the pure joy of swimming on top of a giant wave. Okay, I like it less when it rips off my bikini top. But basically my bikini days are over anyway. Lately I have learned to stare at the glassy top of the river in awe of that perfect reflection. Today I watched the beginning of ice forming as it flowed by.
I used to hate fall. All it meant to me was the end of summer. I realized this year that it is absolutely gorgeous. Leaves falling on a wedding can make the vows that much more romantic. And the sound of leaves rustling in the wind is so relaxing. And the colors. The amazing colors of fall. It's such an amazing season.
And the feeling of love. I can't decide if it's better to realize you love or to be loved. But either way, love is the best feeling of all. Whether a look or a touch, it is the very best. Nothing beats love.
Oh right....and coffee. But I'll save that for another day.

Airport extravaganza

It is officially 7:47 pm. I know this because I am one finger typing (yes I am terrible at texting typing) on my
iPhone. It is much easier to blog on my
computer but it is unavailable because I am sitting in the Calgary airport waiting to board my 5:00 pm flight to Vancouver. Did I mention it is 7:47 pm? My plane is broken. I am hoping to board a 10:00 pm flight although that flight was originally at 9:30 pm so it's kinda hard to know. Let me take a moment to explain that I am not complaining. There is a silver lining to every cloud. This silver lining is that I am sitting in an airport lazy boy, drinking Starbucks and ALONE. I would love to have some company but I am extremely happy that my kids are not joining me in this delay. The silver lining is that they are in the comfort of their own home with daddy and grandma.
I am super excited to be attending a conference in Vancouver this weekend. I truly believe the conference will be phenomenal. However, I was super excited to ride a plane alone. I was gonna listen to music and read a book. I was NOT going to talk to strangers.
But I met this incredible man. He is an addictions specialist who also specializes in ADHD. He works with the correctional services of Canada and is doing a presentation at a pain conference in Vancouver this weekend. He used to do medical missionary work in the Congo. He has 3 biological kids, 4 adopted kids, and 1 foster kid. As if I could listen to headphones when this incredibly interesting man was sitting there.
On to Calgary. Grab a snack and sit beside the worlds biggest complainer. The room is too cold, the sun in his eyes, hotels are too expensive, and he deserves better because he's important. Needless to say, I never asked what he did for a living. Probably because I DIDN'T CARE!!! But I was super excited to be sitting next to him when the announced our five hour delay. Grumpy man's devastated expression....priceless.
On to the food voucher line. Spoke with a nice gentleman who was incredibly sad to be missing his son's soccer practice. I cheered him up by sharing the fact that we are lucky not to have to stand in a food voucher line on a regular basis.
Oh yes, I'm a comedian. Now I've got a crowd. Really nice lady next to me. We start talking about how I'm okay with the delay because I'm gonna relax with a book. Maybe the first time since the kids are born? We start talking about our families. We receive our $10 voucher (seriously...they even work here. Don't they know there isn't anything for $10). Christine asks me to join her for supper. We have a wonderful conversation about my kids, her kids, our careers, our travels, and our wine...which hit the spot!!! Hours pass. Time well spent.
Here's to an unexpected day in the airport and to the wonderful people I met. Who would have thought. All because I chose to make the best of the situation.
I must go watch the planes and drink my Starbucks!!! Bon voyage.

11/09/11

Today is an amazingly emotional day.  And not because of anyone I know personally.  The day began with that feeling of someone staring at you until you open your eyes.  Lily is my personal alarm clock.  And no matter how many times I have been awakened that way the moment I open my eyes and see those beautiful brown eyes looking back my heart races and I say, "What's wrong?"  and everyday she says to me, "Mom, the sun's up."  And like I'm sure every parent reacts, I look at my watch to see if I should say, "Get back to bed" or if I should turn on the television and hope she's quiet for a few more minutes of precious sleep.  Or if it's actually time to get up.  Today was a television morning.  And of course the first thing on was a picture of the twin towers.
I remember that morning.  I know where I was just like everyone knows where they were.  I was in bed.  My phone rang and I didn't answer it.  And then it rang again immediately after so I rolled over and picked it up.  On the other end was my brother.  "Turn on the television."  I say, "Which channel?" and he says, "Doesn't really matter."  My brother and I have an interesting relationship.  We don't talk often and usually not about anything important but we both know that if we needed each other, one of us would race to the other's side in an instant.  My brother never phones in the morning.  My brother is not awake if he's not at work in the morning.  This was weird.  I turned on the television and immediately saw the twin towers.  Only one plane had crashed at this point and I had no idea what was going on.  We sat in silence and watched the second plane hit.   He was upset. I was upset.  In that instant we knew the world had changed.
Here we are on the anniversary of that day and I am still amazed how all those people came together to try to rescue the people in the towers.  Without fear or selfishness, they ran into danger in hopes of doing something good.  Amazing.
And while I am trying to remember all the great things that people did that day while trying not to be overwelmed by the absolute sadness of all that was lost, I realize that two provinces over there was a miracle today.  A three year old boy who was kidnapped four days earlier is returned relatively unharmed.  I am not fooled into believing that life will be the same for that boy, but honestly I did not believe there would be a good outcome to this horrible situation.  Every time I thought about that boy over the last few days I pictured my own children.  And every time I saw his parents I felt their pain.  And every parent will now live in fear just a tiny bit more when they tuck their child in every night.  That sense of peace knowing that your child is safely asleep in their own bed has been stolen.
What an amazingly incredibly happy but sad day.  I got through it all because I spent the day in a corn maze chasing my kids and hoping that Jack would slow down before he got lost.  We ate at the Berry Barn and played in the sand beside the river.  I painted my toe nails the color Lily chose and painted hers every color we own.  And we are making Lily and Jack's favorite food.  Ribs.  And every five minutes Lily says, "I smell ribs. When do we eat?"  And I realize life is worth it.  The good and the bad.

It is all worth it!!

Three year old BC boy found safe

Niceness....to a fault

I'm one of those people who is too nice.  Don't think I am tooting my own horn here.  In my case it's actually a personality flaw.  And I know where it comes from.  My mom.  Just so you know, if you ever are alone on Christmas or Thanksgiving, her house is always open.  Even if she would rather have a quiet family gathering, it will never happen because her instinct is to include anyone and everyone who may be alone on the holidays.  Now I don't know if mine is inherited or a learned behaviour...but either way, if you need someone to bake cookies for your sale, sell tickets, or babysit your kids, I'm there.
If we are close friends and you are reading this and wondering if I am talking about you, I'm not.  I still have the inability to say no to you but I don't mind because it is reciprocated.  I'm talking about the person I never see who wants me to come to their birthday party.  The lady with no friends that I have nothing in common with.  The co-worker selling Amway who has no supporters. Not only will I attend your party but out of fear that you won't get presents, I will bring the biggest one.  And the lady I have nothing in common with will be invited to my home on a regular basis because she appears to be lonely.  And to the guy selling Amway...I would love to continue buying your stuff on a regular basis even though it is super expensive.  Did you know you can order toilet paper from Amway?
You're probably wondering why this is a concern for me.  And that reason is because I only have so much time in a day.  I have two wonderfully busy kids.  A husband who would like some attention from time to time.  And I manage a busy pharmacy full time.   I have very little spare time and I have a hard time trying to juggle all the things I want to do.  Don't get me wrong.  I love being nice.  I actually feel incredibly guilty if I say no.  So much so that it is often better to just do it than it is to deal with feeling bad about saying no way past when the "favour" would be over.   I love to put on the baby shower, the bridal shower, the surprise party, bake the cookies, and the cupcakes, and come in on my day off to open the pharmacy.  I really do.  It feels good to be nice.  It just sucks when I realize that I just spent all that time away from my family and that I missed the park with my kids while I quickly ran into work.
And there you have it...niceness to a fault.  And what will I do about it?  Nothing.  Cause that would be mean.  And I just don't have it in me.  

Unforgivable

Woman accused in baby stabbing diagnosed with postpartum depression

I remember the day that this story hit the news. Who in their right mind could harm an innocent child? I felt angry at this woman for hurting her child. And I was traumatized by the fact that the baby will never get to live a normal life because of a senseless act. It really hit home because this woman lived in the same town as me. She lived on the same street as a friend of mine. And she lived in a really good part of town. How could this happen in police presence? How could it have gotten this far? I used to work at the Regional Psychiatric Centre. I know what it's like in there and I could picture her sitting there and trying to understand what happened. And I wondered what kind of answers she would come up with.
A while later I was sitting with two of my most favorite friends and we began to discuss this story. And one of them said that she had been wondering why I had yet to blog about this situation. And I realized that the reason that she was asking is because she thinks the mother had post-partum depression. And at that instant I began to feel this enormous pressure on my chest. I hid it well because we were out having a good time and I didn't want to ruin it with my thinking. But I suddenly could feel the panic and sadness of my own post-partum depression. Since then I have tried hard not to think about this woman and her child. I didn't want to be able to see it from her perspective. I was fortunate enough to never want to harm my children. Not once did I ever feel the urge to hurt them. But I was fortunate. Post-partum depression is a chemical imbalance. It is not rational or forgiving. There were so many instances when I couldn't make a decision. I was often frozen in indecisiveness. I had days when I wanted to go back to my life without my baby and days when I couldn't get out of bed. But I was fortunate to have an amazing support system that got me though it all. I can't stop to think what would have happened if I hadn't.
When I called this blog unforgivable, it wasn't because I think that what this woman did was unforgivable. It is not my place to judge. But I know that post-partum depression passes and you eventually return to the person you were. Unfortunately the guilt of what you thought or felt at that time follows you, but I guess everything that we experience forms you. When I am talking about unforgivable I am talking about the inability for that mother to forgive herself. When the cloud of despair eventually lifts she will not have the opportunity to return to her life prior to post-partum depression. Instead she will be overcome with another type of despair. The reality of what she did will become clear. That's why I called this blog unforgivable. I know that she will never be able to come to peace with her clouded decisions. She will always in her own mind be unforgivable.