Hau’oli Makahiki Hou

Happy New Year! At this time of year we all seem to do a little review of the past year.  Everyone either says that it was a fantastic year or that it wasn't and they are happy for a new start.  I can't really say either.  On November 30th I thought about how one year ago Lily finally became an official member of our family.  On December 3rd I thought about how one year ago I held Jack for the very first time.  And today I think about how one year ago today I began the most difficult struggle of my life so far. 
Unfortunately Post Partum Depression clouds my opinion of the last year.  I had nine amazing months as a stay at home mom with my two amazing kids...but the year began in a fog.  Most moms say that those first few months are blurry and it is probably due to sleep deprivation...but I have some complete holes.  I don't know if my brain doesn't want me to remember the pain, but that means missing out on three amazing months of my kids' lives.  I try to put it behind me but thinking about it brings up this amazing feeling of guilt.  I know that they are okay and they probably won't remember a thing about those months, but there will always be something inside of me that knows that I failed them.  I am not looking for reassurance that I am a good mother or that they are okay.  I know all of that.  I also know that it is crazy to feel guilty about something that you have no power over....trust me, I tried really hard not to have depression!!  Perhaps as the year progresses and I move into March, the cloud in my memory will be replaced by memories of play dates, Kindermusik, coffee dates, Exploradance, and swimming lessons and I will look back fondly on 2010. 
I love the saying, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away."  I was so worried that I wouldn't be around to see Jack's 1st steps.  Although I have to return to work tomorrow and 2011 seems a little scary because of the need for a new routine, I can happily say that seeing the pride on his face when he took those steps has made 2011 an amazing year so far.
For some reason I am that person that is never happy with what I have and I am always searching for more.  When I was a kid, I always wanted to grow up so fast.  I wanted my own phone line and my own car.  I wanted to date when I should have been playing with my dolls. In University I wanted to get into pharmacy after my first year.  I wanted a boyfriend and then I wanted to be engaged. I wanted to get married, buy a house, and have a baby.  Then I wanted another baby to make my family complete.  Ahhh....that search for more has finally come to a close.  I have a complete feeling of peace.  All I want now is to enjoy what I have.  I have never felt like this before and I am going to enjoy it to the fullest.  I have been blessed with this amazing life...and I am going to live it. 
Welcome 2011.  We are going to have a great time together!!