Little person in a big person body

I'm on a diet. I have been on a diet pretty much at least once every year since I graduated from high school. I have tried every diet. When someone asks about a diet the first thing they ask is, "Did you keep the weight off?". Of course I didn't. No one ever does. If you have ever seen those shows on TLC where someone is lifted through a hole made in their ceiling, with the help of a crane the individual is taken to the hospital. That's me. No seriously, I can totally understand how that could happen. If I didn't diet at least once per year I would require the crane lift.
Oddly those of us who have dieted all think we are failures at dieting. What I just realized is that if going on a diet every once in a while keeps me within a range that I am happy with, does that not mean that I am actually a success?
So...stop beating yourself up and pat yourself on the back. Us dieters have to put in extra work to not need the crane lift. Be proud that you are strong enough to recognize when you need to start watching those calories again. And quit saying...damn I gained it back again. As far as I can tell, everyone gains it back.
Be proud that you know your body enough to know when it's time to become smaller. And stop thinking you have failed!!!! No matter how much I weigh I am a little person in a big person's body. Because I can guarantee that I could always be bigger.

You are absolutely right. Life is not fair

While enjoying my last few days in paradise I have been thinking about the saying, "wish you were here". We have all said it. Sometimes we mean it but other times it's the opportunity to give someone the elbow and let them know that you are somewhere incredible...and they are not. We have all at one point or another thought to ourselves that life is not fair. It is not fair that I was born with the fairest skin on the planet and Lily has skin to die for. It is not fair that I am currently regretting at least the last hour of my fun at the beach and that when I look in the mirror I resemble a tomato, a stop sign, and a can of coke. Lily on the other hand has tanned remarkably. Not a single burn but the most amazing tan lines on that little bum. It is not fair that people with that same beautiful brown skin are victims of racism and jokes. That it is assumed they aren't as smart or successful or kind. Life really isn't fair. Take a moment and think about the last time you thought that life isn't fair. Is there someone less fortunate than you who would take you up on that unfairness. I'm sad to be leaving my vacation in a few days. It's not fair that there are people lucky enough to live here all the time. They probably think its not fair that I get to lay around on the beach all day (definitely shorter tomorrow). And then there are the people who have never been here. That's not fair either. There is always someone who would take what we have. Someone less fortunate than me. It is not fair that no matter how much I try to explain how time changes work, my kids get up at the crack of dawn. But I am so very lucky to hear those little feet coming down the hallway. Okay. Let's be honest. As I roll over and look at my watch I feel a little unlucky just for a moment...but I am so lucky to be their mom. And while I am not lucky to have the whitest skin on the planet, Jack was equally unlucky to inherit it from me. I am incredibly lucky that he is not burnt like me. He's more the color of pink lemonade, cotton candy, or bubblicious. And because he is lemonade and I am tomato, we will both actually get some sleep tonight. I am not perfect. Far from it. But I am asking you to take a moment when "life's not fair" crosses your mind and really think how unfair it actually is. And maybe your "unfairness" isn't actually so bad.
Oh....and one last thing. Wish you were here. I really do.

Innocence

A child is pure innocence. So what if I joke that Jack is pure terror. Even he is as innocent as can be. I am amazed and disappointed and saddened and angered when I hear that another child has been hurt by an adult. I do not understand how you could look down at that adorable face and want to do them harm. Children completely depend on us to be their role model. I feel bad when I choose a night out with friends when I should have spent it with my children. Or if I miss family day at school. Or if I can't be there to hold their hand for vaccinations. I am completely filled with guilt when I realize I made a bad parenting choice. How does someone purposely harm a child? I just can't wrap my mind around it. This innocence is worth protecting. If you ever think a child may be in danger it is your responsibility to protect them. We need to all band together to make a difference. Children have this amazing resilience about them. I watched a video of Lily learning to skate. She fell way more than she stood and there was minimal skating going on. But she kept getting up over and over again. She wanted to skate so badly. When is the last time you got back up that many times or tried that hard? Honestly, I can't remember putting in that much effort ever. And she watched me watching that video and when I was done I turned and smiled about to tell her how proud I am of her. And she looked at me sadly and told me she wasn't a good skater. And when I hugged her and told her that I thought she was incredible, she told me that was good because she loves it. Inspite of falling a million times and knowing that she wasn't very good (yet) she loves skating. That was the lesson of the day for me...for sure. No one loves doing things they aren't good at. But maybe we should. I think I'm going to reconsider some activities based on that lesson. I think it's going to open up my world a little. Children are amazing. Don't ever take them for granted. They are sponges who see everything you do. But most of all, they have the most amazing things to teach you. Open up your heart and learn.

Loss of an angel

Sometimes in life someone touches you in an unpredictable way. Sometimes in that moment you know your life will never be the same. I met Oliver and his mom Karen in my pharmacy. Due to confidentiality, I won't get into that, but what I do want you to know is that he was adorable. In an instant I fell in love with that blond haired little guy. I'm suspecting that it was because he looked exactly like my Jack. And throughout the short time that I knew Oliver I became aware of just how unfair life can be. As my Jack was getting bigger and stronger, little Oliver became weaker. Because they were only a month apart I had the perfect perspective as to what that little guy's life should have been. I have never met a stronger woman than his mother Karen. Oliver's parents were never selfish. They made their choices based on Oliver's needs and what was best to keep him comfortable. They didn't choose to do things to make their personal suffering easier. I've spent the days since Oliver's death watching Jack and wishing that Oliver could have had the life that he deserved. I guess I will try to accept that these things happen and will try to stop looking for an answer as to why they happen. I'm sure that is an answer that will never be available.

Oliver, it was an honor to have met you. I hope that you enjoyed some joy in your short life and that you are now free. My life has been touched and I will never forget you.

Obituary 

Oliver's Story

If Your Christmas Isn't Merry

I think I've finally found my Christmas spirit. My presents are all wrapped and my kids are excited. I'm looking forward to seeing my family. The weather looks like its going to cooperate....although that's relative to whether or not you need a white Christmas. This year I am incredibly lucky. I have family that loves me. I have the ability financially to give the gifts I want to. I won't go as far as to say I wouldn't like more money because there's absolutely no one who couldn't spend an extra dollar, but I am incredibly lucky to have the life that I do.
But while I'm thinking of all the joy around me I'm still empathetic to those whose Christmas won't be merry. Christmas is a time for celebrating all the wonderful things in your life. But what if those things aren't merry? One year deep into our infertility struggles I cried during Christmas mass because I was jealous that Mary had a baby and I did not. In hindsight I recognize the silliness of that statement but at that moment all I could do was look around at all the other moms sharing Christmas with their kids and wonder why it wasn't me. Now during Christmas mass I wonder why I didn't notice that those moms were desperately trying to keep their kids quiet and occupied. It looked so much easier when I was watching.
Today I'm thinking about the woman whose husband is currently in palliative care. Or the parents who just lost their beautiful baby girl. Or the mom who just miscarried at four months. I'm not trying to make you less joyous. I just want to take a moment and consider their feelings. Maybe an extra card saying you care or an extra thought or hug or prayer is needed.
Enjoy your holiday season. Drive safe. Eat lots. And consider those around you. Maybe you can make someone else's Christmas just a little bit more Merry.

As much as you can handle...

Whether you are a religious person or not I truly believe that in your lifetime you will not be given more heartache than you can handle. Call me impossibly optimistic but this is how I survive.
I started this blog for two reasons. The first was to share my experiences. During our struggles with infertility and post partum depression I felt so alone. I felt like everyone around me was pregnant and that those little bundles of joy were exactly that...joy...to everyone but me. I realized later that I wasn't alone and that no one ever talked about it. So that's why I share. But the second reason was more selfish. I found it incredibly therapeutic. I'm not sure if it was just writing it all out or if it was feeling that by helping others it made my pain worthwhile. But either way, blogging has made me feel better. If you follow regularly, you may have noticed that I blog much less often. I am busier but it's mostly because I have shared most of what I needed to say and I no longer require the therapy. Until today. Today's post is selfish because I need to put it down to get past it in my mind. Life is incredibly hard and unfair. Today I am bitter and I am hoping this will help.
Today I am thinking back to how I felt during my struggle to become mom. I truly believe that I could not have handled more than I was handed during this time. One more disappointment would have pushed me over the edge. I have watched so many people endure similar struggles and I can feel their pain because it is all too familiar. Today I learned of two people who must be much stronger than I am. They have been dealt an incredibly unfair hand. They are required to endure sorrow unlike any I have experienced. And because I know you are only given what you can handle, I know they will survive. They must be incredibly resilient.
I promise to share their story when the time is right. Right now it is not mine to tell. And at this point their story is far from over. I know their story will have a happy ending. It just seems really far away today. If you are religious say a prayer and if you are not send a thought. Because sometimes you just need that extra push to get through.

These are a few of my favorite things

There have been times in my life when I was too sad to see the good things in life. To make up for it I have been trying to watch carefully and not miss another moment. I have always had seasonal affective disorder. The sky turns white, the days shorten, the snow falls and I become sad. That's not going to happen this year. I am going into this winter happier than I remember being in a long time. And I have a new outlook on winter. I am watching people around me who love winter and I am going to catch a ride on their piece of happiness. And every time it snows I am going to catch a snowflake on my mitten and stare at that tiny perfect little design. I just realized today the beauty of the finger drifts crossing the road in front of me. And how much more beautiful the sunrise is against that pure white background.
There is a song about only being happy when it rains. I'm not sure that I'm only happy when it rains but it definitely helps. I love the feeling of it on my face, the smell, the designs in the sidewalk. I love the rippled reflections in puddles and the sound of heavy rain on the roof. But most of all I like to open the sunroof and let it rain on me.
I secretly adore dandelions. They are beautiful yellow splendor. Who are we to call them a weed? They are the most amazing flower. You can smell them. You can eat them. You can make them into wine. Even I can't kill them. And I don't have to water them either. I have taught both of my kids to consider them as flowers and to blow those fuzzy seeds in every direction.
I love water. The ocean. The river. The lake. I love the sound. I love the coolness on a warm day. I love the smiles on everyone's faces. I wish everyone could swim so they can feel the pure joy of swimming on top of a giant wave. Okay, I like it less when it rips off my bikini top. But basically my bikini days are over anyway. Lately I have learned to stare at the glassy top of the river in awe of that perfect reflection. Today I watched the beginning of ice forming as it flowed by.
I used to hate fall. All it meant to me was the end of summer. I realized this year that it is absolutely gorgeous. Leaves falling on a wedding can make the vows that much more romantic. And the sound of leaves rustling in the wind is so relaxing. And the colors. The amazing colors of fall. It's such an amazing season.
And the feeling of love. I can't decide if it's better to realize you love or to be loved. But either way, love is the best feeling of all. Whether a look or a touch, it is the very best. Nothing beats love.
Oh right....and coffee. But I'll save that for another day.