CBC News - Montreal - Fertility under provincial jurisdiction: top court
You may or may not be aware that the government is trying to decide whether infertility and the associated treatments should fall under provincial or federal law. There is also discussions in some provinces as to whether or not treatments such as IVF should be publicly funded. This blog is not about my opinion of either. I want to talk a little bit about the misconceptions associated with the decisions to have these treatments and the alternatives. If you are or have ever been infertile, feel free to read the article but beware of the comment section. My husband was upset that I was even reading it. It is filled with assumptions regarding IVF, infertility, and adoption with a few people with experience trying to desperately stick up for the rest of us. I did not comment because those with experience were grossly outnumbered and most of the replies were not based on fact and therefore anything goes. If you choose to read that section, perhaps you should get out the ice cream, cookies, or wine. You might need it.
In the next few months we are going to hear more and more about these topics. What I am asking is that you educate yourself before commenting and once you know actual facts, speak up and speak out...loudly. Some people choose to live childless lives. That is their choice and if they are happy, I am happy for them. Either way, imagine wanting to be a parent and not having the opportunity. People who experience infertility imagine their lives as useless. They think about all that they have to give and how it could be wasted. They imagine Christmases alone and dying alone. Psychologists equate the pain of infertility to the pain of losing a loved one and to a similar stress as being diagnosed with a terminal illness. If you haven't been there, you cannot imagine.
I noticed that in the awkwardly uneducated comments section that there was a lot of talk about it being God's will that the infertile are not parents. Infertility is an illness not unlike cancer or diabetes. If it's God's will, then that is like saying that we should get rid of insulin and chemotherapy. There is talk that we should ban fertility treatments until all the parentless children in the world find families. That might work in theory, but Canadians do not have access to "family-less" children all over the world. And international adoption often costs way more than IVF so if you can't afford IVF, you can't afford to adopt. And let's face it, adoption just isn't for everyone. Don't those children deserve the right family? And if the intention is to find parents for everyone, why not ban pregnancies in general? Would that not make the whole process a lot faster? Why should the responsibility of orphans fall on the shoulders of the infertile? Another misconception is that children created by infertile parents are also infertile and that we are creating a larger problem in the future. Some fertility disorders are genetic but IVF children are not doomed to be infertile. I do believe that something we are doing is increasing the number of infertile people, but that is a whole different topic.
What I am asking is that you make sure you know the truth before creating an opinion. I am not asking you to approve of or reject the decisions relating to government responsibility or payment of treatments. But please do not make assumptions regarding infertility, IVF, adoption. The whole picture is just so much bigger than anticipated.
Isis is the goddess of motherhood, magic, and fertility. She is also the goddess of children from whom all beginnings arose. Isis is the goddess of my personal struggles in life. I want to portray moments or snap shots of my life in a humorous manner in hopes that sharing my experiences may decrease the pain of others in similar circumstances. The journey has many twists and turns but I hope all will find their successful end.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Mortality
I always think it's crazy when someone says that this could be so-and-so's last Christmas. No one lives forever. It could be any of our last Christmases. On Thanksgiving weekend a young man from a town between Regina and Saskatoon went missing. The police are now saying that they don't think they will find him alive. I bet no one predicted that last year was his last Christmas. He was someone's baby boy and I think that in the next few days they are going to learn what happened to him. Although I am sure they need to know, no one told them last Christmas that it was going to be the last Christmas that they weren't haunted with this information. And if the pain is unavoidable, it is so much better not to know.
I think that it is important to enjoy every moment and try not to predict the future. This will be so many people's last Christmas this year, but it will also be many people's very first Christmas. Some of those people who really weren't predicted to see another Christmas will come shining through next Christmas too. Don't try to predict the unpredictable. Mourn the loss if it happens. Enjoy the present.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer in his early 30's. He wasn't much older than I am now. While I try to enjoy every moment and not be haunted by the chance of genetic predisposition, it definitely slips into my mind now and then. He was 36 when he passed away. He fought an incredible journey that he just could not win. In the end it was a blessing that he left this world. He was only a shell of the wonderful person that he used to be. Fortunately for me, I was ten years old when he passed away. I realize that it is strange that I used the word fortunately in that sentence. The reason I was fortunate is that even though it is 22 years later, I was old enough to have wonderful memories of my dad. I plan to be here to watch my children graduate, get married, and have beautiful children of their own. But there is this tiny part of me that notes that when I am 36 they will only be four and seven. Would that be old enough to remember me?
It is strange how my brother and I feel the exact same thing. We never discuss it but I know it's true. We have handled it entirely differently. I am a tiny bit of a hypochondriac. Every pain, mole or twitch has me analyzing. On the other hand, he tries to not to notice that anything is wrong and he avoids doctors like the plague. I want to know the moment something is wrong so I have a chance. He wants to ignore it because he's afraid to hear the words that he dreads. We both try to ignore the crazy tiny voice in our minds and hope that it never matters.
Instead of fretting, I plan to enjoy every moment that I can with my kids and to make the most wonderful memories possible. Go away twitch.
I think that it is important to enjoy every moment and try not to predict the future. This will be so many people's last Christmas this year, but it will also be many people's very first Christmas. Some of those people who really weren't predicted to see another Christmas will come shining through next Christmas too. Don't try to predict the unpredictable. Mourn the loss if it happens. Enjoy the present.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer in his early 30's. He wasn't much older than I am now. While I try to enjoy every moment and not be haunted by the chance of genetic predisposition, it definitely slips into my mind now and then. He was 36 when he passed away. He fought an incredible journey that he just could not win. In the end it was a blessing that he left this world. He was only a shell of the wonderful person that he used to be. Fortunately for me, I was ten years old when he passed away. I realize that it is strange that I used the word fortunately in that sentence. The reason I was fortunate is that even though it is 22 years later, I was old enough to have wonderful memories of my dad. I plan to be here to watch my children graduate, get married, and have beautiful children of their own. But there is this tiny part of me that notes that when I am 36 they will only be four and seven. Would that be old enough to remember me?
It is strange how my brother and I feel the exact same thing. We never discuss it but I know it's true. We have handled it entirely differently. I am a tiny bit of a hypochondriac. Every pain, mole or twitch has me analyzing. On the other hand, he tries to not to notice that anything is wrong and he avoids doctors like the plague. I want to know the moment something is wrong so I have a chance. He wants to ignore it because he's afraid to hear the words that he dreads. We both try to ignore the crazy tiny voice in our minds and hope that it never matters.
Instead of fretting, I plan to enjoy every moment that I can with my kids and to make the most wonderful memories possible. Go away twitch.
Monday, December 20, 2010
January 3rd
The weeks before Christmas always seem to zoom by. It's impossible to see everyone you want to and there are all the little details to get finished...and then Christmas is here. It always seems to show up out of the blue. The problem with the time speeding by is that this year it is also the end of my maternity leave zooming by. Although this maternity leave had a rocky start, I have loved the life of a stay at home mom. Although even if I could be a stay at home mom financially, there is something about me that needs to go to work. (Perhaps less days would be better though.) I am proud of what I do and I enjoy what I do. And besides that, I enjoy eating my lunch alone sometimes and I love peeing with the door closed. But in saying all that, I love being home with my kids. I am trying to stay positive about going back. The advantage to going back to work on January 3rd is that everyone around me seems to be taking time off for Christmas and they all go back January 3rd too. And I have a bunch of friends who go back January 3rd after their maternity leaves too.
I try to remember how lucky I am. I have two wonderful healthy children, a husband who loves me, family that fight over us (maybe a bit too much!), and a safe and happy place to live. Going back to work is a small issue in the scheme of things. But the thought of Jack napping somewhere else most days of the week instead of his crib, the thought that someone else gets to drop off and pick up Lily from school, the thought that even Scott will have more time with my kids than me, makes me sad. Aren't moms supposed to be the primary parent? I am so happy that our kids are in daycare less than full time because he has the opportunity to work less...but I would love to be the part time worker. Unfortunately I am unable to keep my current position and work part time.
Going back this time is much easier than last time because I know what to expect. I know that the kids will be clingy until they get used to their new routine. I know that the lady who takes care of them is wonderful and that she already loves them both. I know that I will be able to juggle all the things that need to be done and that even though I will be incredibly tired the first few weeks, I will indeed survive. And I know that when it comes down to it, I am going to cry all the way to work on that first day.
The trick this time is that I am starting a management role in a new location. I will have all new staff and new routines. I will have some things to learn and some things to change. Under normal circumstances this would be an exciting change, but it is not the place to be teary on your first day back. I will be tough and I will fool them all.
If you pass a sobbing woman on your way to work on January 3rd, know that I will be okay. I already know I will.
I try to remember how lucky I am. I have two wonderful healthy children, a husband who loves me, family that fight over us (maybe a bit too much!), and a safe and happy place to live. Going back to work is a small issue in the scheme of things. But the thought of Jack napping somewhere else most days of the week instead of his crib, the thought that someone else gets to drop off and pick up Lily from school, the thought that even Scott will have more time with my kids than me, makes me sad. Aren't moms supposed to be the primary parent? I am so happy that our kids are in daycare less than full time because he has the opportunity to work less...but I would love to be the part time worker. Unfortunately I am unable to keep my current position and work part time.
Going back this time is much easier than last time because I know what to expect. I know that the kids will be clingy until they get used to their new routine. I know that the lady who takes care of them is wonderful and that she already loves them both. I know that I will be able to juggle all the things that need to be done and that even though I will be incredibly tired the first few weeks, I will indeed survive. And I know that when it comes down to it, I am going to cry all the way to work on that first day.
The trick this time is that I am starting a management role in a new location. I will have all new staff and new routines. I will have some things to learn and some things to change. Under normal circumstances this would be an exciting change, but it is not the place to be teary on your first day back. I will be tough and I will fool them all.
If you pass a sobbing woman on your way to work on January 3rd, know that I will be okay. I already know I will.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Dear New Mom:
I don't care how you become a mother...adoption, the "good old fashion way", or through fertility treatments. It doesn't matter how much you wanted it, there are some things you need to know. These are the things that no one tells you because they are too busy pretending that they didn't happen to them. Stop pretending. Let's make the expectations more like they should be and share the fact that being a mom isn't always easy....
Dear New Mom,
Becoming a new mom is emotional. You will be filled with love, fear, guilt, and joy. When these hit all at the same time it can be a bit much. You will be amazed at your ability to love your child. You will be terrified that you won't know what to do when they need you. You will be sure that you won't do everything right. And you will feel incredible joy. There will be moments when you think you made the wrong decision and you will crave the ease of your life before children. (Yes, even those of you who want this so badly for so many years. It may seem crazy but it is true.) It is overwelming to be needed 24 hours a day and to not know for sure when your baby will want to eat again, if they are getting enough food, and when they need to sleep. There is a such thing as post-adoption blues and it can progress into post-adoption depression. Some of it is hormonal...not unlike when breastfeeding mothers leak when they hear babies cry, an adoptive mother experiences a rush of hormones when they become a mother. The rest is the same as post-partum depression...sleep deprivation, loneliness, lack of alone time, insecurity. It is normal to feel guilty about craving some of the ease of your childless life...even if you wanted it for a long time. Do not add to your guilt by thinking you do not have the right to feel this.
The first six weeks of having a newborn are wonderful because you have this amazing bundle of joy to cuddle and love. A very honest friend saved my life when she told me in those first weeks that it gets much better at the six week mark. Yes, it's true. Those first weeks are so hard...no sleep, painful breastfeeding, so much crying, no routine. It all gets somewhat better at the six week mark...so now there is something to look forward to. It gets better again at the three month mark and continually improves after that. Don't worry...you will sleep again. I have no idea when because you get used to your sleepless nights and don't really notice when it improves. If you have other children in your house, you are going to feel guilty that you can't be as good of a mother to them during this time. Remember that you get to spend extra time with them during this maternity leave. The youngest will get the least amount of time. Most importantly...this too shall pass. Even though it is a difficult time, you will look back on it fondly. Your baby was so cute and cuddly. A new routine will appear and you will no longer remember what it was like to live without this child.
For now just survive.
Lindsay
Dear New Mom,
Becoming a new mom is emotional. You will be filled with love, fear, guilt, and joy. When these hit all at the same time it can be a bit much. You will be amazed at your ability to love your child. You will be terrified that you won't know what to do when they need you. You will be sure that you won't do everything right. And you will feel incredible joy. There will be moments when you think you made the wrong decision and you will crave the ease of your life before children. (Yes, even those of you who want this so badly for so many years. It may seem crazy but it is true.) It is overwelming to be needed 24 hours a day and to not know for sure when your baby will want to eat again, if they are getting enough food, and when they need to sleep. There is a such thing as post-adoption blues and it can progress into post-adoption depression. Some of it is hormonal...not unlike when breastfeeding mothers leak when they hear babies cry, an adoptive mother experiences a rush of hormones when they become a mother. The rest is the same as post-partum depression...sleep deprivation, loneliness, lack of alone time, insecurity. It is normal to feel guilty about craving some of the ease of your childless life...even if you wanted it for a long time. Do not add to your guilt by thinking you do not have the right to feel this.
The first six weeks of having a newborn are wonderful because you have this amazing bundle of joy to cuddle and love. A very honest friend saved my life when she told me in those first weeks that it gets much better at the six week mark. Yes, it's true. Those first weeks are so hard...no sleep, painful breastfeeding, so much crying, no routine. It all gets somewhat better at the six week mark...so now there is something to look forward to. It gets better again at the three month mark and continually improves after that. Don't worry...you will sleep again. I have no idea when because you get used to your sleepless nights and don't really notice when it improves. If you have other children in your house, you are going to feel guilty that you can't be as good of a mother to them during this time. Remember that you get to spend extra time with them during this maternity leave. The youngest will get the least amount of time. Most importantly...this too shall pass. Even though it is a difficult time, you will look back on it fondly. Your baby was so cute and cuddly. A new routine will appear and you will no longer remember what it was like to live without this child.
For now just survive.
Lindsay
Monday, December 13, 2010
Lasts
Jack turned one last week. Although the possibility is there, I really think we are done having kids. I can't help but think that we are blessed to be the parents of two beautiful, funny, healthy, happy kids. I'm honestly scared to rock the boat. There was a time in my life that I was so sure that I was never going to have this opportunity. Who am I to ask for more? There are no guarantees that we are finished...but like I said before, I really think we are done.
Watching your kids grow fills your life with firsts. Their first bath, first tooth, first word, first step... But lately I have been thinking about lasts. I am trying not to mourn the lasts but to instead take a moment to celebrate them. It seems like lasts sneak by without anyone noticing them. You are amazed to look back and realize that the last of something already occurred without you paying any attention.
I never knew that my last IVF injection was my last. I had no idea that it was going to work and that we would be finally finished with such a discouraging yet exciting time of our lives. I took a million pregnancy tests with Jack, every time enjoying the appearance of that beautiful pink line. I had no idea he would be born two weeks early and that my last positive test was actually my last. I have heard that for "normal" people often their first test is their last...I however fondly disagree. I tested the entire nine months I was pregnant feeling the same excitement grow as the line appeared quicker and darker.
I have no idea exactly when Lily took her very last bottle. I do know that Jack is getting close. It is funny that we want to wean our kids to move them forward onto sippy cups and then cups without lids, never taking the chance to notice that their independence has grown and they no longer need us to rock them as they drink their milk. I celebrated Jack's last nursing because it had been such a struggle, but I know there were good moments. I breastfed Jack while sitting on main street at the Western Development Museum. It is one of my few fond memories of breastfeeding. We go there a lot. I had no idea that breastfeeding would be long over before I returned to main street with my formula fed baby. Jack no longer needs to be rocked to sleep at night. I have no idea how that happened. It is so nice to be able to shorten the bedtime routine, but I know I am going to miss those moments of having him or Lily asleep in my arms. I have no idea when they both started solids, but I know they no longer need me to feed them their baby cereal. I remember the moment Lily learned to walk, but I can't remember the last time she used her fantastically fast crawling abilities to get around. We are headed that way with Jack. I will be so excited to see him walk. I know he wants to walk so badly. But I will miss the determined way he makes every movement as he crawls and that tiny little bum shaking its way across the floor.
I know that moving forward is the way we live life. I know that we need to celebrate our children's successes and independence. I just want to stop taking for granted the struggles of parenting toddlers and infants. I know already that I am going to love watching my kids become adults...but boy am I going to miss this!!
Watching your kids grow fills your life with firsts. Their first bath, first tooth, first word, first step... But lately I have been thinking about lasts. I am trying not to mourn the lasts but to instead take a moment to celebrate them. It seems like lasts sneak by without anyone noticing them. You are amazed to look back and realize that the last of something already occurred without you paying any attention.
I never knew that my last IVF injection was my last. I had no idea that it was going to work and that we would be finally finished with such a discouraging yet exciting time of our lives. I took a million pregnancy tests with Jack, every time enjoying the appearance of that beautiful pink line. I had no idea he would be born two weeks early and that my last positive test was actually my last. I have heard that for "normal" people often their first test is their last...I however fondly disagree. I tested the entire nine months I was pregnant feeling the same excitement grow as the line appeared quicker and darker.
I have no idea exactly when Lily took her very last bottle. I do know that Jack is getting close. It is funny that we want to wean our kids to move them forward onto sippy cups and then cups without lids, never taking the chance to notice that their independence has grown and they no longer need us to rock them as they drink their milk. I celebrated Jack's last nursing because it had been such a struggle, but I know there were good moments. I breastfed Jack while sitting on main street at the Western Development Museum. It is one of my few fond memories of breastfeeding. We go there a lot. I had no idea that breastfeeding would be long over before I returned to main street with my formula fed baby. Jack no longer needs to be rocked to sleep at night. I have no idea how that happened. It is so nice to be able to shorten the bedtime routine, but I know I am going to miss those moments of having him or Lily asleep in my arms. I have no idea when they both started solids, but I know they no longer need me to feed them their baby cereal. I remember the moment Lily learned to walk, but I can't remember the last time she used her fantastically fast crawling abilities to get around. We are headed that way with Jack. I will be so excited to see him walk. I know he wants to walk so badly. But I will miss the determined way he makes every movement as he crawls and that tiny little bum shaking its way across the floor.
I know that moving forward is the way we live life. I know that we need to celebrate our children's successes and independence. I just want to stop taking for granted the struggles of parenting toddlers and infants. I know already that I am going to love watching my kids become adults...but boy am I going to miss this!!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I wouldn't change a thing
The whole time we were trying to have a family I wanted to get pregnant so badly every month. And when our first IVF failed I was incredibly sad that those particular embryos were never going to be my babies. At the time I wanted it all to be over so badly. I didn't want to have to try so hard to get the thing that came so easily to many others.
I wouldn't change a thing.
If I was given the opportunity to go back and get pregnant that first month, I wouldn't take it. I would never take away all that pain if it meant changing anything about the family we became.
I am the luckiest person in the world. I am luckier than those people who got pregnant the first month because I beat the odds. I have the most wonderful family.
I wouldn't change a thing.
This weekend was absolutely crazy. I think there is a small part of me that loves chaos...okay, well maybe it's not that small. This weekend we had pseudo-Christmas with my family. We attended Lily's gymnastics gala. We had a Jack's 1st birthday celebration. It is finally quiet in my house and while I am absolutely exhausted, all I can think about is how lucky I am.
I can't believe Jack is one already. How is it even possible that a year could fly by so quickly? Why is my tiny infant so big? And why is he learning to walk? Jack has amazing personality for a one year old. He loves music and loves to dance. He purposely tries to be funny to make you laugh. He says "ahhh" after he takes a big drink of milk. He makes kissy noises to get your attention. And he cuddles...mmm. He has the biggest brightest blue eyes and thick golden hair. I was so sure I wouldn't be able to love him as much as I love Lily...but I fell in love with him the moment he was born.
I can't believe my beautiful baby girl had her first performance. She's so cute that you want to keep squeezing her...even though she rolls her eyes and says, "But mom, I'm a big girl." She is so gentle and sweet. I wasn't sure she'd be able to go out in front of all those people, but she was fantastic. I am so incredibly proud of the person she is becoming. She loves anything artistic...dancing, singing, drawing, painting. And she is wonderful at it. Her mischievous brown eyes are so dark they are almost black and her silky black hair shimmers in the sun. No one is able to love their child more than I love her.
As I listen to the silence in our house while they sleep, I know in my heart that this is the mom I was meant to be. I wouldn't change a thing.
I wouldn't change a thing.
If I was given the opportunity to go back and get pregnant that first month, I wouldn't take it. I would never take away all that pain if it meant changing anything about the family we became.
I am the luckiest person in the world. I am luckier than those people who got pregnant the first month because I beat the odds. I have the most wonderful family.
I wouldn't change a thing.
This weekend was absolutely crazy. I think there is a small part of me that loves chaos...okay, well maybe it's not that small. This weekend we had pseudo-Christmas with my family. We attended Lily's gymnastics gala. We had a Jack's 1st birthday celebration. It is finally quiet in my house and while I am absolutely exhausted, all I can think about is how lucky I am.
I can't believe Jack is one already. How is it even possible that a year could fly by so quickly? Why is my tiny infant so big? And why is he learning to walk? Jack has amazing personality for a one year old. He loves music and loves to dance. He purposely tries to be funny to make you laugh. He says "ahhh" after he takes a big drink of milk. He makes kissy noises to get your attention. And he cuddles...mmm. He has the biggest brightest blue eyes and thick golden hair. I was so sure I wouldn't be able to love him as much as I love Lily...but I fell in love with him the moment he was born.
I can't believe my beautiful baby girl had her first performance. She's so cute that you want to keep squeezing her...even though she rolls her eyes and says, "But mom, I'm a big girl." She is so gentle and sweet. I wasn't sure she'd be able to go out in front of all those people, but she was fantastic. I am so incredibly proud of the person she is becoming. She loves anything artistic...dancing, singing, drawing, painting. And she is wonderful at it. Her mischievous brown eyes are so dark they are almost black and her silky black hair shimmers in the sun. No one is able to love their child more than I love her.
As I listen to the silence in our house while they sleep, I know in my heart that this is the mom I was meant to be. I wouldn't change a thing.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Officially a family
Adoptive families often celebrate the day that their child's adoption was finalized as their forever family day. I think that if our adoption would have been finalized in a reasonable time frame, that day would be our forever family day too. Lily is adopted from Nunavut. Because Nunavut used to be part of the North West Territories, they currently follow many of their laws until their own can be written. We kind of fell between the old and new laws which added some complications for our adoption. When you get custody of a newborn, the birth family has a time frame in which they can change their minds. That time frame varies from place to place but is usually 3-10 days. I thought I would worry about it constantly but it rarely crossed my mind. I was too busy learning how to change diapers, give baths, and make bottles. Perhaps the sleep deprivation helped. That time along with the next three months flew by. Most adoptions in Canada take 3-6 months to complete. Unfortunately the Nunavut social worker that had our case was also responsible for writing the new Nunavut adoption law. Between changing laws, him being busy, and repeated lost paperwork, it took over two years for our adoption to be finalized. It always crossed our minds that someone could take our daughter and we had heard horror stories of kids getting taken away because of an injury because it was easier to take them than to investigate. When Lily fell off the bed we didn't take her to the doctor because of this fear. Fortunately she was okay and it wasn't an issue. We had reassurance from our social worker and from the social worker responsible for all Saskatchewan adoptions that no one was going to take away our daughter, but it was difficult not to worry. By the time the adoption was finalized it was pretty anti-climactic. Of course we were happy it was over, but because we had been a family for so long, becoming an official family didn't matter quite as much. But I did cry when our lawyer called exactly one year ago today to tell me it was all over. And I have spent the entire day thinking about exactly one year ago.
One year ago today I received a phone calling notifying us that Lily was officially ours. Her last name was changed to match ours and we were officially a family. I called Scott and he went out and purchased a cigar to celebrate. Even though it was fairly cold that night, he dug out a lawn chair and sat on our deck smoking his cigar and drinking a beer. We had saved a bottle of champagne to drink the day things were official, but I was nine months pregnant and we decided that we should wait on that one. We stayed up later than usual celebrating. In the middle of the night, my water broke. Scott stayed awake for the next 22 hours of labour while chewing gum the entire time to try to get the horrible cigar taste out of his mouth.
Within three days we became an official family of four.
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