If Your Christmas Isn't Merry

I think I've finally found my Christmas spirit. My presents are all wrapped and my kids are excited. I'm looking forward to seeing my family. The weather looks like its going to cooperate....although that's relative to whether or not you need a white Christmas. This year I am incredibly lucky. I have family that loves me. I have the ability financially to give the gifts I want to. I won't go as far as to say I wouldn't like more money because there's absolutely no one who couldn't spend an extra dollar, but I am incredibly lucky to have the life that I do.
But while I'm thinking of all the joy around me I'm still empathetic to those whose Christmas won't be merry. Christmas is a time for celebrating all the wonderful things in your life. But what if those things aren't merry? One year deep into our infertility struggles I cried during Christmas mass because I was jealous that Mary had a baby and I did not. In hindsight I recognize the silliness of that statement but at that moment all I could do was look around at all the other moms sharing Christmas with their kids and wonder why it wasn't me. Now during Christmas mass I wonder why I didn't notice that those moms were desperately trying to keep their kids quiet and occupied. It looked so much easier when I was watching.
Today I'm thinking about the woman whose husband is currently in palliative care. Or the parents who just lost their beautiful baby girl. Or the mom who just miscarried at four months. I'm not trying to make you less joyous. I just want to take a moment and consider their feelings. Maybe an extra card saying you care or an extra thought or hug or prayer is needed.
Enjoy your holiday season. Drive safe. Eat lots. And consider those around you. Maybe you can make someone else's Christmas just a little bit more Merry.

As much as you can handle...

Whether you are a religious person or not I truly believe that in your lifetime you will not be given more heartache than you can handle. Call me impossibly optimistic but this is how I survive.
I started this blog for two reasons. The first was to share my experiences. During our struggles with infertility and post partum depression I felt so alone. I felt like everyone around me was pregnant and that those little bundles of joy were exactly that...joy...to everyone but me. I realized later that I wasn't alone and that no one ever talked about it. So that's why I share. But the second reason was more selfish. I found it incredibly therapeutic. I'm not sure if it was just writing it all out or if it was feeling that by helping others it made my pain worthwhile. But either way, blogging has made me feel better. If you follow regularly, you may have noticed that I blog much less often. I am busier but it's mostly because I have shared most of what I needed to say and I no longer require the therapy. Until today. Today's post is selfish because I need to put it down to get past it in my mind. Life is incredibly hard and unfair. Today I am bitter and I am hoping this will help.
Today I am thinking back to how I felt during my struggle to become mom. I truly believe that I could not have handled more than I was handed during this time. One more disappointment would have pushed me over the edge. I have watched so many people endure similar struggles and I can feel their pain because it is all too familiar. Today I learned of two people who must be much stronger than I am. They have been dealt an incredibly unfair hand. They are required to endure sorrow unlike any I have experienced. And because I know you are only given what you can handle, I know they will survive. They must be incredibly resilient.
I promise to share their story when the time is right. Right now it is not mine to tell. And at this point their story is far from over. I know their story will have a happy ending. It just seems really far away today. If you are religious say a prayer and if you are not send a thought. Because sometimes you just need that extra push to get through.

These are a few of my favorite things

There have been times in my life when I was too sad to see the good things in life. To make up for it I have been trying to watch carefully and not miss another moment. I have always had seasonal affective disorder. The sky turns white, the days shorten, the snow falls and I become sad. That's not going to happen this year. I am going into this winter happier than I remember being in a long time. And I have a new outlook on winter. I am watching people around me who love winter and I am going to catch a ride on their piece of happiness. And every time it snows I am going to catch a snowflake on my mitten and stare at that tiny perfect little design. I just realized today the beauty of the finger drifts crossing the road in front of me. And how much more beautiful the sunrise is against that pure white background.
There is a song about only being happy when it rains. I'm not sure that I'm only happy when it rains but it definitely helps. I love the feeling of it on my face, the smell, the designs in the sidewalk. I love the rippled reflections in puddles and the sound of heavy rain on the roof. But most of all I like to open the sunroof and let it rain on me.
I secretly adore dandelions. They are beautiful yellow splendor. Who are we to call them a weed? They are the most amazing flower. You can smell them. You can eat them. You can make them into wine. Even I can't kill them. And I don't have to water them either. I have taught both of my kids to consider them as flowers and to blow those fuzzy seeds in every direction.
I love water. The ocean. The river. The lake. I love the sound. I love the coolness on a warm day. I love the smiles on everyone's faces. I wish everyone could swim so they can feel the pure joy of swimming on top of a giant wave. Okay, I like it less when it rips off my bikini top. But basically my bikini days are over anyway. Lately I have learned to stare at the glassy top of the river in awe of that perfect reflection. Today I watched the beginning of ice forming as it flowed by.
I used to hate fall. All it meant to me was the end of summer. I realized this year that it is absolutely gorgeous. Leaves falling on a wedding can make the vows that much more romantic. And the sound of leaves rustling in the wind is so relaxing. And the colors. The amazing colors of fall. It's such an amazing season.
And the feeling of love. I can't decide if it's better to realize you love or to be loved. But either way, love is the best feeling of all. Whether a look or a touch, it is the very best. Nothing beats love.
Oh right....and coffee. But I'll save that for another day.

Airport extravaganza

It is officially 7:47 pm. I know this because I am one finger typing (yes I am terrible at texting typing) on my
iPhone. It is much easier to blog on my
computer but it is unavailable because I am sitting in the Calgary airport waiting to board my 5:00 pm flight to Vancouver. Did I mention it is 7:47 pm? My plane is broken. I am hoping to board a 10:00 pm flight although that flight was originally at 9:30 pm so it's kinda hard to know. Let me take a moment to explain that I am not complaining. There is a silver lining to every cloud. This silver lining is that I am sitting in an airport lazy boy, drinking Starbucks and ALONE. I would love to have some company but I am extremely happy that my kids are not joining me in this delay. The silver lining is that they are in the comfort of their own home with daddy and grandma.
I am super excited to be attending a conference in Vancouver this weekend. I truly believe the conference will be phenomenal. However, I was super excited to ride a plane alone. I was gonna listen to music and read a book. I was NOT going to talk to strangers.
But I met this incredible man. He is an addictions specialist who also specializes in ADHD. He works with the correctional services of Canada and is doing a presentation at a pain conference in Vancouver this weekend. He used to do medical missionary work in the Congo. He has 3 biological kids, 4 adopted kids, and 1 foster kid. As if I could listen to headphones when this incredibly interesting man was sitting there.
On to Calgary. Grab a snack and sit beside the worlds biggest complainer. The room is too cold, the sun in his eyes, hotels are too expensive, and he deserves better because he's important. Needless to say, I never asked what he did for a living. Probably because I DIDN'T CARE!!! But I was super excited to be sitting next to him when the announced our five hour delay. Grumpy man's devastated expression....priceless.
On to the food voucher line. Spoke with a nice gentleman who was incredibly sad to be missing his son's soccer practice. I cheered him up by sharing the fact that we are lucky not to have to stand in a food voucher line on a regular basis.
Oh yes, I'm a comedian. Now I've got a crowd. Really nice lady next to me. We start talking about how I'm okay with the delay because I'm gonna relax with a book. Maybe the first time since the kids are born? We start talking about our families. We receive our $10 voucher (seriously...they even work here. Don't they know there isn't anything for $10). Christine asks me to join her for supper. We have a wonderful conversation about my kids, her kids, our careers, our travels, and our wine...which hit the spot!!! Hours pass. Time well spent.
Here's to an unexpected day in the airport and to the wonderful people I met. Who would have thought. All because I chose to make the best of the situation.
I must go watch the planes and drink my Starbucks!!! Bon voyage.

11/09/11

Today is an amazingly emotional day.  And not because of anyone I know personally.  The day began with that feeling of someone staring at you until you open your eyes.  Lily is my personal alarm clock.  And no matter how many times I have been awakened that way the moment I open my eyes and see those beautiful brown eyes looking back my heart races and I say, "What's wrong?"  and everyday she says to me, "Mom, the sun's up."  And like I'm sure every parent reacts, I look at my watch to see if I should say, "Get back to bed" or if I should turn on the television and hope she's quiet for a few more minutes of precious sleep.  Or if it's actually time to get up.  Today was a television morning.  And of course the first thing on was a picture of the twin towers.
I remember that morning.  I know where I was just like everyone knows where they were.  I was in bed.  My phone rang and I didn't answer it.  And then it rang again immediately after so I rolled over and picked it up.  On the other end was my brother.  "Turn on the television."  I say, "Which channel?" and he says, "Doesn't really matter."  My brother and I have an interesting relationship.  We don't talk often and usually not about anything important but we both know that if we needed each other, one of us would race to the other's side in an instant.  My brother never phones in the morning.  My brother is not awake if he's not at work in the morning.  This was weird.  I turned on the television and immediately saw the twin towers.  Only one plane had crashed at this point and I had no idea what was going on.  We sat in silence and watched the second plane hit.   He was upset. I was upset.  In that instant we knew the world had changed.
Here we are on the anniversary of that day and I am still amazed how all those people came together to try to rescue the people in the towers.  Without fear or selfishness, they ran into danger in hopes of doing something good.  Amazing.
And while I am trying to remember all the great things that people did that day while trying not to be overwelmed by the absolute sadness of all that was lost, I realize that two provinces over there was a miracle today.  A three year old boy who was kidnapped four days earlier is returned relatively unharmed.  I am not fooled into believing that life will be the same for that boy, but honestly I did not believe there would be a good outcome to this horrible situation.  Every time I thought about that boy over the last few days I pictured my own children.  And every time I saw his parents I felt their pain.  And every parent will now live in fear just a tiny bit more when they tuck their child in every night.  That sense of peace knowing that your child is safely asleep in their own bed has been stolen.
What an amazingly incredibly happy but sad day.  I got through it all because I spent the day in a corn maze chasing my kids and hoping that Jack would slow down before he got lost.  We ate at the Berry Barn and played in the sand beside the river.  I painted my toe nails the color Lily chose and painted hers every color we own.  And we are making Lily and Jack's favorite food.  Ribs.  And every five minutes Lily says, "I smell ribs. When do we eat?"  And I realize life is worth it.  The good and the bad.

It is all worth it!!

Three year old BC boy found safe

Niceness....to a fault

I'm one of those people who is too nice.  Don't think I am tooting my own horn here.  In my case it's actually a personality flaw.  And I know where it comes from.  My mom.  Just so you know, if you ever are alone on Christmas or Thanksgiving, her house is always open.  Even if she would rather have a quiet family gathering, it will never happen because her instinct is to include anyone and everyone who may be alone on the holidays.  Now I don't know if mine is inherited or a learned behaviour...but either way, if you need someone to bake cookies for your sale, sell tickets, or babysit your kids, I'm there.
If we are close friends and you are reading this and wondering if I am talking about you, I'm not.  I still have the inability to say no to you but I don't mind because it is reciprocated.  I'm talking about the person I never see who wants me to come to their birthday party.  The lady with no friends that I have nothing in common with.  The co-worker selling Amway who has no supporters. Not only will I attend your party but out of fear that you won't get presents, I will bring the biggest one.  And the lady I have nothing in common with will be invited to my home on a regular basis because she appears to be lonely.  And to the guy selling Amway...I would love to continue buying your stuff on a regular basis even though it is super expensive.  Did you know you can order toilet paper from Amway?
You're probably wondering why this is a concern for me.  And that reason is because I only have so much time in a day.  I have two wonderfully busy kids.  A husband who would like some attention from time to time.  And I manage a busy pharmacy full time.   I have very little spare time and I have a hard time trying to juggle all the things I want to do.  Don't get me wrong.  I love being nice.  I actually feel incredibly guilty if I say no.  So much so that it is often better to just do it than it is to deal with feeling bad about saying no way past when the "favour" would be over.   I love to put on the baby shower, the bridal shower, the surprise party, bake the cookies, and the cupcakes, and come in on my day off to open the pharmacy.  I really do.  It feels good to be nice.  It just sucks when I realize that I just spent all that time away from my family and that I missed the park with my kids while I quickly ran into work.
And there you have it...niceness to a fault.  And what will I do about it?  Nothing.  Cause that would be mean.  And I just don't have it in me.  

Unforgivable

Woman accused in baby stabbing diagnosed with postpartum depression

I remember the day that this story hit the news. Who in their right mind could harm an innocent child? I felt angry at this woman for hurting her child. And I was traumatized by the fact that the baby will never get to live a normal life because of a senseless act. It really hit home because this woman lived in the same town as me. She lived on the same street as a friend of mine. And she lived in a really good part of town. How could this happen in police presence? How could it have gotten this far? I used to work at the Regional Psychiatric Centre. I know what it's like in there and I could picture her sitting there and trying to understand what happened. And I wondered what kind of answers she would come up with.
A while later I was sitting with two of my most favorite friends and we began to discuss this story. And one of them said that she had been wondering why I had yet to blog about this situation. And I realized that the reason that she was asking is because she thinks the mother had post-partum depression. And at that instant I began to feel this enormous pressure on my chest. I hid it well because we were out having a good time and I didn't want to ruin it with my thinking. But I suddenly could feel the panic and sadness of my own post-partum depression. Since then I have tried hard not to think about this woman and her child. I didn't want to be able to see it from her perspective. I was fortunate enough to never want to harm my children. Not once did I ever feel the urge to hurt them. But I was fortunate. Post-partum depression is a chemical imbalance. It is not rational or forgiving. There were so many instances when I couldn't make a decision. I was often frozen in indecisiveness. I had days when I wanted to go back to my life without my baby and days when I couldn't get out of bed. But I was fortunate to have an amazing support system that got me though it all. I can't stop to think what would have happened if I hadn't.
When I called this blog unforgivable, it wasn't because I think that what this woman did was unforgivable. It is not my place to judge. But I know that post-partum depression passes and you eventually return to the person you were. Unfortunately the guilt of what you thought or felt at that time follows you, but I guess everything that we experience forms you. When I am talking about unforgivable I am talking about the inability for that mother to forgive herself. When the cloud of despair eventually lifts she will not have the opportunity to return to her life prior to post-partum depression. Instead she will be overcome with another type of despair. The reality of what she did will become clear. That's why I called this blog unforgivable. I know that she will never be able to come to peace with her clouded decisions. She will always in her own mind be unforgivable.

Where are you?

Sorry for the disappearing act but I have been busy.  I am absolutely loving my new job.  I desperately miss the amazing people I have worked with over the last ten years but the change has proved to be the right choice.  I have been thoroughly amazed by what we do.  The reason for my disappearing act is that I have a ton of learning to do.  Not to toot my own horn, but I think I am a fairly good pharmacist.  I have kept up with the changing medical information and I can answer questions and counsel patients with the best of them.  But right now I am constantly and continually reminded that I am in over my head.  I can actually feel the pathways forming in my brain as I learn new information on a constant basis.  There is a way to replenish your vitamin D stores in less than a week.  There are bioidentical hormones that can help with any and every hormonal imbalance without the risk of heart disease or cancer.  There are things you can do for autism.  There is a whole range of treatments for erectile dysfunction (even though they have to stick needles in their penis)  We can pretty much make a treatment for every issue.  I am in complete awe of this part of pharmacy that I hardly knew existed.

But I am also really loving life.  Poor Scott now has to pick up the kids from daycare and make supper every night.  My hours are great because I don't have any more evenings or weekends but I do work till 5:30 everyday.  I have been missing the time with the kids in the evenings, but knowing that I have every weekend free is amazing.  I have had the opportunity to meet up with friends some evenings because I don't feel guilty that I have already worked some.  And when someone asks me if I am free on a weekend in the future, I don't have to worry about what my schedule might look like and I can make plans.

And on a completely different note, I have began to decrease my Celexa.  I am a little nervous that I won't recognize that I am slipping if it happens so please let me know know if you have any concerns with my behavior.  Scott is honestly terrified which I go between understanding and being sad.  I do not think that begin on an antidepressant is wrong or that the stigma should exist.  I just am really feeling good about things right now and I want to try out life without it.

I am sitting in a quiet house missing my kids but loving the silence. Before the job change I was supposed to work this weekend and Scott is at work right now.  We had arranged for the kids to go spend the weekend with their grandparents.  And Grandma and Grandpa were so excited that it seemed mean to take it back.  I think that a quiet weekend alone will make me miss them and maybe I will be a bit better of a mom because of it.   I just have to figure out what I am going to do after this....

wOKe uP oLD

It's been a long time since I have actually enjoyed my birthday.  Don't get me wrong...I've had some great parties and have spent many of them with people that I love.  It's just that when you turn thirteen you become a teenager, sixteen is your drivers license, voting at eighteen, drinking at nineteen, legal in the US at 21....from then on it's kinda down hill.  Twenty five is closer to thirty than twenty...and it seems to move faster from there. 
I woke up the other day and realized I was no longer a teenager.  I'm assuming that most people figure that out in their twenties...I'm not sure how I missed it.  I am one of those annoying people who thinks she understands teens because she just was one...way over a decade ago.  I'm old.
I woke up and realized I have the body of someone who has had a baby...the wrinkles of a past lifeguard...and that I no longer wash my hair or shave my legs near as often as I used to.  I guess it's because it all doesn't matter that much anymore.  Or does it?  Do I really want to be that person that blends in with the wall paper or would I rather command some attention when I walk into a room.  I don't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, I just want to be relevant. I guess my personality often keeps me from getting completely ignored....but is that enough? 
Nope...I want to be sexy.  Not that freaky sexy that some older women try to achieve...you know, married cougar with kids.  Not exactly what I am looking for.  I just don't want to be a frumpy mommy. So I need to find that new me...the sexiest middle-aged (said with a frown) woman that I can be. 
I have no idea where to start...but here's to me! Wish me luck....

Humanity Insanity

How can there possibly be this huge spectrum of personalities?  Today this adorable older gentleman bought roses for all the girls in my pharmacy.  We hadn't done anything special for him.  He just wanted to show his appreciation for everyhing we had previously done.  Today this other less than adorable older gentleman called me autocratic (which I honestly thought was a made up word until later) when I wouldn't give him more medication than the doctor had allowed.  After much badgering back and forth, I explained that our conversation was over.  He could choose to leave or he could keep trying to convince me to break the law to save him money.  However, I did explain that if he did continue to loudly and rudely express his distaste for my decision, he would be asked to leave and not return.  His answer to that was, "Screw You" which I didn't take kindly to and banned him from the pharmacy.  In the ROYGBIV of rainbows (you know....red orange yellow green blue indigo violet) one of them was definitely red and the other my favorite color; violet.  I was assured by the staff that he had caused them grief in the past and had actually made a few of the staff members cry.  But even so...is it possible that he is just mean?  He has a wife...why did she choose him if he is always so crabby?  Is there more to him that for some reason we have been unable to see?  Are some people just less nice?
So I guess my goal is to be the violet kind of person...and try to avoid being in the presence of (and actually just being) a red.  Perhaps we can all learn from my adorable older gentleman and send out some random acts of kindness so when others look back on their day, they can see the shades of purple that are hiding those shades of red.
And on another random tangent....when it looks like life has handed you the impossible, remember this.

In Memory of Lisa Marie Rendall

This was taken from the C95 website this morning.  I needed to share this.    If ever you think you can not go on, remember this amazing woman.  In her deepest darkest days, she found incredible strength and made a huge difference in so many lives.  Rest in peace.

In Memory of Lisa Marie Rendall

Lisa Marie Rendall was born and raised in small town Saskatchewan. Her career as a radio personality started at CJSL in Estevan in February of 1984 shortly after she graduated from Western Academy of Broadcasting in Saskatoon. In May she joined the staff at CKIT and CKCK radio in Regina where she spent over 7 years of her career playing easy listening music on CKIT. The next career move came in 1990 when she joined the staff at CJWW in Saskatoon and was happy to return to playing country music. In 1992 she moved to Toronto and helped sign-on a brand new country FM station, CISS FM. She stayed there for over 4 years until the pull of the prairies became too strong. Lisa returned to Regina in 1996 where she worked at Z99, and then moved to Saskatoon and the morning show at C95 in November of 1997.
Rob, Lisa and Rambling Dave were the number one radio morning show in Saskatoon when Lisa was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer after a vertebra in her neck collapsed. The cancer had spread to many areas of her body including the vertebra in her neck, as well as throughout her spine, ribs and liver.
Lisa Rendall lived with incurable Stage 4 (metastatic) breast cancer for eleven years. This is an incredible feat given the median survival rate is 2.5 years. During these eleven years, Lisa was a motivational speaker who took the audience through her journey in a way that not only entertained, but educated and inspired. Lisa shared her story many times through radio and television interviews, magazine articles, newspaper interviews, and as a motivational speaker.
Lisa made it her mission to raise as much money as possible for breast cancer research in Saskatchewan. To date, over 2.5 million dollars has been raised for breast cancer research at the Saskatchewan Cancer Agency through events such as the C95 Radio Marathon for Breast Cancer Research and the Lisa Rendall Golf Classic. Named as one of the Top 40 Women Over 40 in Canada by More magazine, Lisa was a dedicated warrior in the fight against breast cancer and an engaging speaker who brought audiences to laughter and tears as she told her compelling story of diagnosis, living with incurable cancer, and fighting back when it progressed.
On New Year's Eve 2010, CTV Saskatoon named Lisa as the 2010 CTV Saskatoon Citizen of the Year! Though Lisa’s condition remained stable until February 2010, when tests revealed the disease was progressing. Lisa underwent many sets of chemotherapy to attack the disease. Sadly, Lisa passed away this Wednesday, April 13, 2011.
Lisa will be sorely missed, not just by the C95 team and the Rawlco family, but by the whole community and the people whose lives she touched.

Official Site of Lisa Rendall 

Sometimes you have to reach for the mystery dessert.

My favorite dessert of all time is Baklava.  I remember the first time I ever had a bite of that gooey dessert.  My life was forever changed.  And given the opportunity to reach for Baklava, I'm sure I would pick it almost every time.  But what if there was a piece of the Right Slice Lime Pie behind door #1?  I could eat a whole Lime Pie but one piece of Baklava is so sweet that it's all I can handle.  How do you decide?
That pretty much sums up my life since Saturday.  I love my job.  I have the opportunity to work with wonderful people.  We have great rapport and I feel like a part of a fantastic team.  I am incredibly lucky to say that I enjoy going to work.  I have been with the same company since my second year of pharmacy; first as a student, then pharmacist, then manager.  They have provided me with amazing experiences.  They are my Baklava.
But on Saturday I was offered the mystery dessert.  It sounds absolutely amazing.  I will still get to wear my management hat, but I will get to learn so many new things, I will be in an incredible environment, and I will have better hours which will allow me to spend more time with my family.  I think that the mystery dessert is going to be Lime Pie, but only time will tell.  Honestly, all dessert is good, but hopefully I have picked the best one.
And so today I shared my news with my colleagues...who were incredibly supportive.  I hope that I have not disappointed them too much with my decision and I hope that they will see this as a fantastic opportunity for me.  I am at a crossroads and I have decided which way to head but only time will tell if it is the right way.
It's not fair that I am lucky enough to love one job and be offered another that I think I will love just as much.  Farewell friends, colleagues, managers, bosses, patients, Starbucks....I will miss you!!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!

Douche bag. Dill Hole.

And all the other random inappropriate names I can think of.  A little bit of kindness goes a long way.   Last night on my way home from work I was very surprised to find the site of an airplane crash right beside the road that I commute to work on every single day.  Traffic was diverted to one lane, but it was still possible to drive by it.  I want to take a moment and say how incredible it is that more people weren't killed.  The pilot made the best of an impossible situation and saved lives in the process.  Wow! But back to the name calling.  Today after work I went the same way home...okay, I'll admit it.  I wanted to see it again as it seems totally crazy to see that sort of thing right in the city.  But today the road was closed as transport Canada was investigating and cleaning up the site.  Traffic was a mess of confusion.  This poor man ended up beside me with his signal light on and looked sadly at the fact that traffic was totally backed up and he needed to get into my lane.  Lately it seems like as our city grows, less and less people are willing to let you in or help you out.  You could tell that he assumed he was going to be stuck there for a long time.  I tried to get his attention to let him know that I was going to let him in but he didn't look my way so I honked my horn and pointed in front of me to let him know.  Unfortunately the car in front of me assumed I was honking at him....for absolutely no reason as the light was still red and we were just waiting...so he opened his window and gave me the finger.  Ugh. 
So I am now on my detour and headed down a road that I usually do not take home.  There is lots of traffic because everyone is getting diverted this way.  I am trying to cross over into the right lane so I can exit onto my highway and go home.  But of course....no one wants to let me in.  I am signalling right...you know the universal language for car wants to move over...but I am repeatedly ignored.  I finally get across and the truck in front of me wants into my lane too.  He is also using the universal sign....you know, the signal light.  But he is familiar to me.  He's my friendly driver from the finger incident minutes earlier.  And  I let him in....because that's what we're supposed to do. 
I hate those people who zoom in and out of traffic, putting lives in danger only to end up beside me at the next traffic light.  Are you sure you are saving time? To those of you who don't signal because you don't think it's necessary...think again.  You're not doing it for you anyway....it's so I know what you're planning.  It tells me I can turn left because you're doing the same.  It tells me that you are going into the same lane that I want and that I should be careful.  It gives me an idea that you are about to cut me off because you want into my lane....and it gives me the opportunity to just let you in the easy way.  And to those of you who rush to the front of the closed lane even though you have had tons of notice that your lane is closed up ahead....why should I let you in after I patiently waited my turn?  Why is your time more important than mine?  And to the cars that won't let me into the line up at Tim Hortons....too bad for you because when I have to wait a long time to get in, I often pay for the coffee of the car behind me to say thanks.  You other jerks can buy your own coffee.  Did you know that when the lane is ending and the traffic has to merge, it is actually the cars in the lane that is ending that have the right of way?  So just let them in...do you really want them to run into the wall?  And just so you know...those merging cars aren't always in the clear either....would it kill you to speed up and try to get into the flow of traffic?  Oh yeah...and that thing on the side of your steering wheel is that signal light thing I was talking about earlier. 
We have all been stuck in a situation where we could use some kindness...so why not offer it to those around you?  Drive smart...considerate and safe. We all have somewhere we need to be.  Instead of being a dumb ass.....Drive With Aloha!

Sticky fingerprints. I don't care. The toys are spread out everywhere.

Don't clean your house for me.  I know you think that I will think you are a better person because I didn't see your messy house.  But honestly, it just makes me think that you just won't be invited to mine.  I am not a clean person by nature.  My bedroom as a teenager looked much like the hoarders on television...okay no dead animals or rats, but still quite impressive.  My urge is to leave the mess and push it aside as required.  I know that is not acceptable so I do clean as needed...but mostly I count on my housecleaner to do the work.  I am grateful that she is so awesome.  I am a full time mom, a full time wife, and a full time pharmacy manager...that leaves me too tired and too busy to clean the toilet.  It is hard enough to find time to pick up the toys...which I rarely do anyway. 
It is instinctual to instantly look around and try to tidy when someone is coming over.  I may do the dishes or pick up some toys, but it takes a lot more than that to fix it up in time.  If you let me see your house at its worst, I am more likely to invite you over to mine.  If I have spare time or a day off, I want to spend it with my family and my friends.  I want to sleep late and hang out in pajamas...I do no want to set the alarm so I can clean before you come over. 
If you stop by unannounced, you will find my house in disarray.  Deal with it.  I do.  I used to get embarrassed...now I just think that if you don't like it, stay away. I used to clean for guests and didn't want anyone to see my messy house.  Now I let my housecleaner do the work and hope it makes it through the week.  FYI...my housecleaner comes on Wednesdays so come over Thursday if you want my house to be clean. 
Oh yeah...and stop cleaning up so much.  You have to already know that everyone else cleans right before you come over.  Stop obsessing.  Let's change the expectation so we can spend more time doing the things we love....and less time mopping the floor.  It's a revolution!!

Sex....A Requeim

Have you seen the bank commercial where the woman leans over and tells the man that it is time...and the man has no idea what she is talking about.  Then the banker whispers in his ear and he smiles.  If this was real life, he wouldn't have smiled.  Honestly. 
Infertility means sex on demand and sex on demand makes for annoying and depressing sex.  Sex with the flu, sex when you are hung over, sex when you have a headache (for real!)...eventually wears on you to a point where sex becomes the means to an end.  It is no longer a way to connect with someone you love.  It is something to be discussed with doctors and planned on charts.  It becomes a chore. 
And you can't let it go because after years of planning and obsessing, you are too scared to miss an opportunity in case the time really is now. 
I'm not going to get into my sex life....something has to be private, but it is hard to get passed the memory of the organization.  The opportunity to be spontaneous is foreign. 
I think that there is something about being sexual beings that has to do with being fertile.  A man feels like less of a man when his boys don't swim and a woman feels less womanly when her uterus is hostile.  It is hard to get those things off your mind when you are obsessing constantly.  And if you don't feel womanly (or manly) it is hard to be sexual.
I know this is an awkward conversational topic, but I don't want people to think that they aren't normal.  Everything about infertility sucks....just put this on the list.

Celexa...Friend or Foe?

First I feel the need to explain that I do not think I am less of a person because I take an anti-depressant. I can only describe post-partum depression as being chased down a dark foggy tunnel to nowhere.  You are totally and senselessly afraid of nothing and wandering through darkness in hopes of reaching the end of something you totally can not understand.  Anti-depressants gave me peace and sunlight and I will be eternally grateful.
I am a pharmacist and for some reason people think that pharmacists love medication.  Don't get me wrong...if medication became extinct, so would my job.  But medication is a chemical and every chemical we put into our bodies needs to be assessed for risk vs.benefit.  Medications are tested thoroughly but they never know it all.  Tons of times there are medications that we have thought to be safe for years only to learn later that they are doing something harmful to an unrelated part of the body.  I am not trying to create fear.  Medication saves lives ALL THE TIME.  But the benefit of the medication should be better than the risk of harm to decide that you need to take the medication.  As an aside...please don't stop your cholesterol medications.  I spend every day explaining that even though you can't feel high cholesterol it still matters.  High cholesterol increases your risk of heart attack and stroke even though you can't feel it.  The benefit of taking these medications is cardiovascular health....and I sort of think your brain and heart should be healthy...therefore the risk in this case is is lower than the benefit of taking the medication.  Blah...blah...blah...
I still love Celexa.  It gave me my life back.  I made a deal with my husband and my doctor that I wouldn't even consider stopping it until spring.  Spring brings sunshine on its own....so maybe I don't need Celexa to do it as well?  Celexa is relatively safe, but as I said before, I am not a fan of adding chemicals to your body that are not required.  My only issue is that I don't know if the Celexa is required. 
In hindsight, I have experienced some depression in the past.  One really cold winter in university, I felt as though I was drifting through life in a bubble from which I could not escape....totally weird, I know...but perhaps depression played a role in that feeling?  And I know I was not myself during our infertility journey.  One should not cry that much or that often.  So...do I need an anti-depressant or not? 
I feel more at peace now than I ever have before....but is that because I have a wonderful life with a wonderful husband, a wonderful family, a wonderful job, and a wonderful home?  Or is because of all those things and a little magic pill called Celexa?  My instinct says that I am fine and that a slow taper of Celexa would leave me exactly where I am now.  But what if I am wrong?  My life is way more hectic now than it was during my "inability to cope with life" post-partum days.  I still have two kids (but I do get a lot more sleep now) but I also manage a crazy busy pharmacy, work full-time, attend swimming, gymnastics, and soccer (blog regularly :)  and try to keep in touch with my friends.  I don't really have time for a breakdown at the moment.
I don't think the answer is available tonight.  But I do need to know if my good friend Celexa is needed or if it can be become a distant memory of a good friend who got left behind. 

The Home Study

People have said the same thing over and over and I used to agree.  What right does someone have to judge your life and your home before you can adopt?  No one checks out the pregnant mom to make sure she is competent.  It's true that there is no license to birth...but maybe there should be.  Our home study asked lots of questions about us.  But it taught us a lot too.  We had the most amazing facilitator.  She answered tons of our questions and stopped in to make sure we were doing okay long after her responsibilities were complete.  Adoption isn't easy and she helped guide us through laws, emotions, and future concerns.  So many people with kids the same age as ours are struggling with what kind of discipline they should use and whether or not they like the role that the opposite parent is playing.  While we don't always agree, our ideas about discipline were out on the table long before we needed them.  We discussed what to do when you've reached your last straw, who your support system is going to be, and what to do when your kid bites you for the first time.  I can almost guarantee that during pregnancy most parents are not prepared for the things that we learned in our home study sessions. 
And there were tons of questions.  I guess the best way to understand it is that the facilitator is there to protect the child.  Every parental change in a child's life is going to add challenge.  A child that is going to be adopted already has that to deal with eventually in life.  It would be horrible for that adoption to fail or to have to remove that child from their new family.  So they have to ensure that you are ready to adopt, that you understand the challenges that adoption may present, that you can handle the challenges of parenting, and that you are going to be a good parent in general.  They ask everything.  They want to know your medical history.  They want to know what kind of relationship you have with your family.  What kind of discipline did your parents use?  Do you think that it worked?  What kind of discipline will you use?  What if your child has some sort of disability?  If a disability is recognized at birth, will you go through with the adoption?  Have you been pressured into adoption by your partner?  Who will help you when you can't do it all on your own?  Will your family/friends support your decision to adopt?  Do you know anyone who is adopted?  They look at your police record, your marriage certificate, and your financial information.  You don't have to be rich, but you do have to be able to support your child(ren).  And her suggestion was always to be honest.  It would be easier to discuss an issue in advance than to learn later that you have lied.  Our infertility literally made us crazy and we had a hard time relating to others, especially family members.  This put a strain on many relationships at that time.  We not only were honest about the issue, but she actually made suggestions on how to handle the issue.  Things are better now, but at the time we were concerned that telling the truth would be detrimental.  That was not the case.
There are no surprise visits like they suggest on television.  She made two scheduled visits; one before placement and once after to make sure everything was going well.  The morning of our first visit, our vacuum broke and we had cat hair on our floor.  During the second visit, Lily spent a awful lot of time crying (because she did a lot of crying in the first few months).  Neither of those things were an issue as she was there to look at the big picture and to make sure we were all doing well.  She did visit after that but only to be helpful and not as a requirement to our home study.  I hear many of her words in my head as I journey through parenthood and I have tried many of her suggestions.
I think we were very fortunate to have had the experience that we had.  I think that prenatal classes tell you very little about the journey that you are heading into.  I think that everyone should have the opportunity to do some sort of home study.  We learned a lot about parenting but also a lot about each other.  And I also learned a lot about me.

Single Moms

One day on the way home from work I heard about an accident on the radio.  It sounded like someone had been killed and they were redirecting traffic away from the area.  Like I am sure everyone does, you think for a moment about how that is sad and then kind of let it go while hoping that it wasn't anyone that you know.  I followed my normal route home without another thought about it and picked up the kids from daycare.  Scott and I have a routine where he usually gets home about 15 minutes before I do and starts supper.  I pick up the kids and then we can eat earlier and have a bit more family time before they're off to bed. 
I hit the garage door opener and started to drive into the garage when I noticed that Scott's car wasn't there.  Keeping in mind that we usually get home relatively close to each other, there really wasn't a reason to worry.  But instantly my thoughts went to the car accident in the city.  While it wasn't his usual route, it is possible that he went that way to get home.  My heart stopped and my eyes welled up.  I had two kids in the car and Lily is the most intuitive kid on the planet.  She exclaims, "What, mom?" and I realize that we're still sitting in the garage.  I take the kids into the house and immediately check the phone for messages.  No blinking light.  I am trying to keep it together but my mind keeps going to what it would be like to be a single mother.  I know that is crazy because he showed up a few minutes later after running an errand after work and all was well.
But in that moment I realized how difficult raising two kids alone was for my mother.  Most single moms become single moms due to circumstance.  It wasn't what they had planned, but suddenly all the responsibility is on them.  They no longer have that person to bounce things off of.  Do you think Lily eats enough vegetables?  And they never really get that break that everyone desperately needs. If I want to go out with friends, I just make sure Scott is around and off I go.  If I want to fly with my family to Hawaii, Scott takes one kid and I take the other...and off we go.  If one of us can't get someone to bed, we let the other one try.  If one of us it at our wits end, the other one can step in.  If you are sick, the other one can take care of the kids till you are better.  We have two incomes and two sets of ideas. 
There are tons of single moms out there (single dads too!) that I appreciate but right now I am thinking about four in particular.  My mom had to go back to school to get a teaching degree so that she could support her family.  She took us camping even though she really didn't know how to pull the trailer.  She tried really hard to keep the live Christmas tree tradition going.  And I think she did a pretty good job of raising us.  I try not to name any names in my blog without first asking permission, so I have to go the anonymous route with the others.  One single mom got divorced with one small child already and another due any day.  I thought about her lots when I would be excited about Scott getting home from work everyday while I was on maternity leave.  Amazing strength.  I know another mom who was pregnant with twins when she learned that her husband was having an affair.  Who could survive the long nights with two newborns all alone?  And I know a recently single mom who took both of her boys on an airplane...alone.  After recently flying with two kids and a lot of suitcases, I don't know how she did it. 
But to all you single parents out there....keep up the good work.  You must have incredible strength. You amaze me!

Random Rambles Regarding a Crazy Woman's Biological Clock

What's with this age and being able to forget all the difficulties of newborns?  Why is it that at precisely 15 months of age my brain begins to consider the possibility of another baby?  Is it because my brother and I are two years apart and I think that is a good amount of separation?  (I actually don't anymore, but I'll probably get to that later...no promises though.  This is a random ramble!) Or is it that I have returned to work and would rather be at home with my kids?  How do people know when they are done having kids?  Someone told me that it is when you stop looking at pregnant women with jealousy.  That's not it for me.  Pregnancy for me is just the route to having the child.  Don't get me wrong...I used to be so jealous of pregnant women that I actually hated them.  But I'm just not there anymore.  Knowing that I became a mother without being pregnant has taken the pressure off of the need to be pregnant.  I look enviously at the mothers of newborn babies.  And I'm not even a huge fan of newborns...I actually prefer 6 months and up.  But today I was looking through a parenting magazine and there were so many new neat ideas from Fisher Price.  My brain subconsciously said that I would get this really neat bassinet when I have my next baby.  Oh yeah...and that swing looks better than the one we have....and then WHAT AM I DOING?  I do know that when Lily was 15 months old I realized that another baby was not going to be provided via the stork and that we were going to have to try IVF again.  Once I convinced Scott to return to the fertility clinic we were on our way.
And speaking of convincing Scott....we have different personality types.  I think of a question and immediately require an answer.  Scott, on the other hand, likes to weigh our options and think things through.  His way is probably more sensible, but I have yet to lead him down the wrong path.  I do have to give him credit because he was the one that jumped at adopting Lily and he also was the one to decide to put down the registration fee for Jack's IVF cycle.  Maybe I should pay more attention to his ways...maybe he really does know what he is doing.  Wow....off topic once again.  The point of this paragraph was originally to say that Scott is done having kids.  We have a perfect family...a beautiful girl and a hilarious boy.  They play well together.  They love eachother.  They are healthy and happy.  Why would we want to ask for more? And by asking for more, there is a chance we would end up somewhere unplanned and that our wonderful family could be less wonderful because of it.  Scott is also terrified of another post-partum depression experience.  I shudder everytime I think of that part, but can't help but think that it was worth it everytime I look into Jack's big blue eyes.  (Oh yeah...and I think that the pressures of the biological clock and womanly hormones allow you to forget lots of things; depression, jaundice, vacuum, and stitches where the sun don't shine...just to name a few.) But one thing I do know is that I am no longer desperate to continue this journey to become a mother to more.  I have to respect Scott's opinion and I don't want to pressure him into anything he doesn't want.  And about the age thing....it looks to me that most parents of three of more have increased the age gap after the first two.  I think that's probably because they realize how hard it is to parent two really young kids at the same time.  If we do choose to have another I think I would want Jack to be at least three years old before we think about an addition.  Things became easier when Lily could put on her own boots and coat...and didn't want to be carried all the time.  That being said...we have tons of time to work it out.  Maybe in that time I will decide that this sense of peace isn't worth messing with.  Maybe Scott will decide that he wants a new baby to cuddle when our kids want to play more than snuggle.  We'll have to see.
In the meantime, I will continue to pay the fee to keep my popsicle babies on ice.  I can't imagine going through IVF again and really don't think that we will.  I also don't want to try naturally month after month.  But those two frozen embryos lead me to believe that eventually I would like to give them a chance.  The chances of those embryos becoming my babies are slim...the odds aren't great for frozen embryos...but I do know kids who started off that way.  I think eventually I would like to take a chance and let the powers that be decide what happens.  I worry that opening that door again would be a disaster...but that's just another part of this random ramble.
For now I think I will go peak in on my two sleeping babies and think about how lucky I am.  I will put the rest on the back burner for another day.

It's great to be loved!

Thanks everyone for your concern.  We arrived home yesterday afternoon...long before any threat of a tsunami hitting Kauai.  Our last day in Kauai was quiet and peaceful.  We enjoyed the ocean and Lily and Jack both frolicked in the waves along the beach.  It's hard to think of the ocean as a threat that could kill so many.  We are always cautious when around the water, but it's hard to believe that something like a tsunami could occur. My thoughts and prayers are with those in Japan right now. 
I did think about the possibility of a tsunami while sitting on the beach and looking at the warning system that they have in place. Never in a million years would I have thought that it would happen so close to our vacation...so close to our last walk along the beach.  My first thought was of all the wonderful people that we met and who have touched our lives in the last few weeks.  Because of the dollar, there were tons of Canadians everywhere we went.  The locals and the Kama'aina in Hawaii are so incredibly kind.  To think of them in danger was hard.
It sounds like the tsunami calmed before reaching Hawaii and that minimal to no damage was done.  The place we stayed at was just outside the tsunami inundation zone but still within the evacuation zone. It's nice to know that we would have been safe if we had been there longer.  But it is definitely better to have avoided the worry or danger.
We have received tons of calls and emails from family and friends who were concerned for our safety.  I want you all to know we are home....safe and sound.  But it sure is great to be loved!

Tsunami 2011

I'm not Frommer but...

I thought I would do a little review of Kauai in the same fashion as a travel book.  Most people head to Oahu when they visit Hawaii.  I love Hawaii and would go absolutely anywhere in Hawaii, but I have a soft spot for Kauai.
Speaking of travel books, I am a fan of both Frommer's Kauai and Fodor's Kauai.  Both books have tons of insider information about where to stay, where to dine, and which beaches are the best for kids to surfing. 
The mountain in the centre of Kauai is the wettest place on Earth.  While this scares people away sometimes, it has to rain to be this lush and beautiful.  There are four parts to Kauai;  the north shore, the Coconut coast, Sunny Poipu, and the west.  Usually when it is raining in one part, it is sunny in another.  And the south shore (Sunny Poipu) is usually the driest.  We were here for 14 days and it rained about three of those days.  Even on the rainy days, we spent time in the ocean or cruising the island.  We didn't have a single day "ruined" by weather.  The first night we were here, the thunder storm we experienced broke some kind of record.  It was a great night for it because the kids were so tired from flying that they both slept through it.  The time change between here and Saskatchewan is 4 hours.  The kids got up at 4:30 am on the first day.  We were waking up in paradise and used the opportunity to see our very first Hawaiian sunrise. 
We flew Westjet to get here....no offense Air Canada, but I do prefer Westjet.  The flight from Vancouver is direct to Lihue, Kauai and it takes just over six hours to get here.  You absolutely require a car to explore Kauai, and we have rented all three times from Budget.  They have a van that takes you to their counter. 
All three times that we have stayed here we have stayed at one of the vacation places of Ellie Knopf and her husband Bret.  We love their style.  If you are the kind of person who wants pristine marble floors and air conditioning (which is rarely required on Kauai) then this probably is not the place for you.  The price is right at $110/nite.  (All you who think Hawaii is too expensive...check this out!)  This time we stayed in the Park House.  The downstairs is occupied by a renter and except for sharing laundry, you would never know she's there.  Our part has a kitchen, bathroom, livingroom, and bedroom on the main floor, and then a loft upstairs with another bedroom.  Lily took the upstairs bedroom in what she called her tree house.  Our bedroom had a large walk in closet which became Jack's bedroom.  Except for the fact that there is only one bathroom, there is enough space for two couples.  And there was tons of room for two toddlers to run.  There are tons of windows for island breezes, a distant view of the ocean and the mountains, the house is shaped like a hexagon.  It is eccentric and amazing. We will be back!
Within walking distance is Poipu beach...although walking the ten minutes with slowpoke Jack didn't sound fun so we took the lazy way out and drove.  There is a section of the beach that is protected by the reef and it was like a paddling pool right in the ocean.  Jack was tall enough to toddle around all by himself.  Beware...while this is wonderful for families, it is the only place that we got sunburned.  A lot of your body is getting the sun reflecting off of the water.  Not far from here is the Sheraton beach which is wonderful too.  It is quite a bit deeper and has some waves, but it is usually pretty quiet.  We took the kids in with us but didn't let them get too close without us.  While talking about beaches, another favorite is Salt Pond which is about 15-20 minutes west by car.  There are crabs on the beach for the kids to chase and the water is calm enough to let the kids play.  Keep in mind that these beaches are calm in the winter but we have been told that the opposite is true in the summer....but honestly, we will enjoy Saskatchewan summers and only come here in the winter anyway.
Now I didn't get this curvy womanly figure without the love of food.  When we were here last time we discovered Bubba's Burgers in Kapaa.  We thought it might be too far to drive there with the kids just to eat but we were happy to learn that there is a new one in Poipu.  It's so good that they actually know our names because of how many times we've been there.  It is laid back and lots of fun...and the food is amazing and reasonably priced.  A favorite from before was also Wranglers in Waimea...about 30 minutes from Poipu.  It is worth the drive.  They are very family friendly and the food is delicious.  Try the Kau Kau tin if you are there for lunch.  It's a delicious experience.  We tried a new place this trip called Kauai Pasta.  When you walk in the door the ambience tells you that it will be wonderful.  It reminded me of the Italian restaurants in Little Italy, San Francisco.  The people were amazing, even when Jack decorated their real menu with crayons.  The food was spectacular.  They have the best marinara sauce I have ever tasted.  I have noticed that often the kid's menu (or Keiki menu in Hawaii) usually has items that are acceptable to kids.  That wasn't the case because Lily's pizza was to die for and Jack's pasta was awesome.  Scott and I both said our dishes were the best Italian we had ever eaten.  Lily is a huge fan of Lappert's ice cream.  It is expensive but tasty...and their lemon scone is incredible.  They also have great iced coffees and cappucinos.  Pizzetta's was a favorite from past visits.  Although they no longer deliver, their calzones are the best I've ever had....mmmm, sundried tomato, fresh artichoke, and feta.  To die for. 
The main event this time (besides Bubba's of course) was the Right Slice.  I will never look at another pie with this kind of emotion again.  Just the crust alone makes this the best pie I have ever eaten...and what's pie without filling?  To give you an idea of how many pies we've eaten....the Tropical Trio, Island Lemon, and Mango Lillikoi (which is Hawaiian for passionfruit) are so good that we actually followed the Right Slice from Farmer's Market to Farmer's Market because we couldn't get enough.  But the Island Lime....there are just no words to describe it.  Wow!  I will fly back to Kauai just for this pie.

Kauai is full of things to do.  The Waimea Canyon is beautiful although we didn't make it up there this trip.  The Na Pali Coast is like nothing you have ever seen.  You can only get there by boat or helicopter, both of which we thought were a bit much for our kids on this trip.  If you do decide to go, I recommend the inflatable speed rafts....so fun, and a little scary too.  This is where 6 Days/7 Nights was filmed. We visited the Kamokila Hawaiian Village for the first time today.  If you are on the skinniest, steepest, bumpiest road, you are on the right one.  This is the village where the movie Outbreak was filmed.  The kids can run free and you can touch everything.  It's a nice place to let the kids go and it was really neat for us too.  I learned that Hawaiian women had a special hut to go to during menstruation.  They did crafts such as basket weaving or lei making until they were finished and could rejoin society.  For the $5 fee, this was totally worth a visit.  Right across the road from the entrance to the village is the Opeaka Falls.  They are beautiful and a great picture opportunity.  We rode the train at Kilohana.  This is an old plantation with a beautiful garden.  The train ride took us through the plantation and Lily got to feed the pigs.  She absolutely loves trains, but I think she liked the pigs the most.  Lydgate is an awesome park for kids.  There is a sheltered beach, although we never actually swam there.  Kamalani Playground was designed by the Keiki of Hawaii.  It was built by volunteers and it is by far the best playground ever.  There are lots of picnic tables and bathrooms.  If you didn't have a napping toddler, you could spend the whole day there.  Hanalei is a town in the north.  To get there you have to cross a one way bridge so remember to drive with Aloha.  It is an old hippy town and has a neat feel to it although there really isn't much to do there.  On Friday nights you have to make a stop in Hanapepe between 6 and 9 pm.  This is were we first met the Right Slice and there is a great shop called Keiki Kovers with adorable Hawaiian kidswear.  Make sure you make it all the way to the end to find this great shop. But anyway, Friday nights are Art Night in Hanapepe.  All the galleries are open and the art is fantastic.  It's also wonderful to see a tiny little town filled with people and lights.  It has a great feel to it. Hanapepe is also the town that Lilo and Stitch was based on, although to add confusion, they say that they live on the Big Island of Hawaii. 
There is no big shopping mall on Hawaii.  The closest is in Lihue where there is a Macy and Sears.  They have really cheap brand name kids clothes so it is worth a stop.  The Kukui'ula Market is new to the Poipu area and it has some neat shopping as does the Poipu Shopping Mall.  There are lots of places to get cool Hawaiian T-shirts and jewellery.  I am a fan of Mikel who designs mostly Honu (turtle) and Plumeria (flower) pieces.  I have a Honu necklace from a prior visit and I rarely take it off.  Don't forget to fill up on Macadamia Nuts and Chocolate covered Macadamia Nuts.  While these are now available in Canada, it just feels right to eat them in Kauai.  Oh yeah...and diet Cherry Coke.  You've just gotta try it.
I have been to many Luaus both here and on Oahu.  Nothing compares to the Smith Family Luau.  They actually cook the Kalua Pig in the ground...and the food is amazing.  Most luaus have either amazing food or amazing shows and this luau has both. The kids loved the entertainment and Jack didn't once complain even though the night went way past his bedtime.  The volcano was a welcome surprise and guest performances from other ethnic groups kept the show exciting.  Definitely worth the money...and then some.
Kauai is fantastic and you just have to go.  It is perfect for honeymooners, families and retired people.  There is something for everyone.  And it is great because you don't have to go somewhere where you are worried about the water or crime.  The healthcare here is the same as ours and the money, although only one boring color, is basically the same.  Check out the links for more information....

Bubba Burgers
Kamokila Hawaiian Village
Park House
Kauai Pasta
Keiki Kovers
Pizzetta
Smith's Family Luau
The Right Slice
Wrangler's Steakhouse

Nobody puts baby in the corner

Saskatchewan nurses leave baby in closet

In case you are wondering about the title to this blog, it's a line from Dirty Dancing. 

On a less humourous note, there has been a lot of publicity in Saskatchewan regarding two pediatric nurses who left an unconsolable 13 month old baby first in a bathroom and then later in a closet.  I don't know either of the nurses nor do I know what else was happening in the pediatric department that night.  In their defense, they did ensure the child's safety by placing her in a bouncy chair and later in a stroller.  When Jack was in peds I did notice that putting a baby in a bouncy chair was common practise.  There was another baby in our room whose mom wasn't there and she spent a lot of time in the bouncy chair.  A nurse couldn't hold her constantly and she was happier in the chair than she was lying down in her crib.  Another child spent almost the whole night in a baby swing.  When Jack was in the hospital I found it hard to leave his side to go pee.  Again, I don't know the situation with that baby's parents but I think that they are also at some fault because nothing is more comforting than a parent's touch. 
In saying all that, Jack is 15 months today.  He had an insane temper tantrum today.  He was inconsolable, scared, and angry.  At this age babies do not know how to show their emotions appropriately.  This causes them to be inconsolable.   While I did get tired of his incessant crying, I also felt extremely sorry that he was so upset.  I never once thought that I should put him in the bathroom or the closet to calm himself.  He needed to be comforted and to feel safe and loved.  When he calmed down, I cuddled him and squeezed him tightly.  He knew he was loved. 
And would I, could I leave my child in the care of either of those nurses?  Absolutely not.  Maybe they are good enough to care for someone else's kids, but they sure aren't ever going to be responsible for mine.  Perhaps they are incredible people; incredible nurses even.  I don't know them.  I honestly can't say.  Perhaps they are in the wrong profession.  At the very least, they are on the wrong ward. 
I think it takes a pretty wonderful person to be a good nurse (not just a nurse...cause I know some pretty terrible ones).  I think it takes an even better person to take care of sick kids.  I know cause when my kids are both sick at the same time, I have a really hard time taking care of all their needs. 
I have a friend who works on peds and I have commented many times that I don't know how she does it.  Kids are needy.  She's wonderful with kids and I know she works hard to give them what they need.  I was also impressed with the nurses we had when we were in RUH.  Don't let this cloud your judgment of the pediatric department.  But tread carefully.  I know I will.

Peace

It's January 2007.  Scott and I are floating in the ocean off of Poipu Beach in Kauai.  We are talking about how our fertility journey is finally coming to an end.  We are scheduled to begin IVF when we get back.  I am barely hanging on at this point.  I should probably be on medication to deal with the depression over our inability to have a family.  (I didn't at the time because I didn't want to have to put that on my adoption application if we decided to adopt.  FYI...only one international country lists depression as a reason not to allow you to adopt.  In Saskatchewan they just want you to be honest.)  I actually have an eye twitch that never goes away.  I cried in the airport when they asked why I had a nail clipper in my carry on.  I fainted on the plane.  (You get free food if you faint on the plane.) Thankfully we are on vacation and I have the chance to relax before starting our treatments. 

I was in a car accident when I was 16.  The vehicle that we were driving rolled and ended up on its side.  The other two passengers were thrown from the vehicle.  I had to climb up and out of the window to get out.  I jumped back down and looked around for my friends.  I know I found her but I can't remember seeing her.  I just knew I had to run for help. 

The brain has an amazing ability to let us forget.  I have never been able to remember what she looked like when I found her.  All I can remember is looking down and it's black.  I remember that the struggle through infertility was really horrible.  I became lost in it.  I became obsessed.  I became someone that I wasn't supposed to be.  But once again the brain did what it was supposed to.  I can't remember exactly how it felt.

Unfortunately that first IVF failed, but fortunately that helped us to adopt Lily.  Everything happened as it should have.  I have a wonderful family and I am at peace. 

I was sharing some of my story with a new friend the other day and she said that she felt so bad for me.  I hope that this blog hasn't made any of you feel bad for me.  I am incredibly happy and incredibly lucky.  I made it through our journey...I would like to say with flying colors, but okay that just wasn't the case. 

But about finding peace.  There's no instructions on how to get there.  Unfortunately you have to keep fighting through and making incredibly hard decisions about your completely unknown future.  The sense of peace will come when you get there.  It's just impossible to know when that will be.

The gigantic spider (as big as your head) climbs up the water spout...

I have been to Hawaii quite a few times before, but this is my first time with kids.  Hawaii is an absolute wonderful place for families.  I am not trying to deter you nor am I complaining.  I am having the most wonderful time in paradise.  I just wanted to share a few things that my kids have helped me learn.

Kids only like specific hats.  You have to keep trying until you find the perfect one.  When you have finally found that perfect hat, he will finally keep it on his head...but only if you soak it in water first.  That way it will keep his head cool.  We have yet to find the perfect shoes.

Innocent geckos that eat bugs are just that...until your one year old decides that they are lunch.  Fortunately they are faster than Jack so none have met their unfortunate demise.

Those Hawaiian roosters that annoyed you pre-kids actually mean it's morning to your kids.

The sunrise really is more beautiful than the sunset.  It's the beautiful sign that you are starting another fantastic day.  The sunset really does mean the end because we have yet to stay up longer than an hour after the kids go to bed.  Chasing the kids in the Hawaiian sun is incredible fun, but it's not relaxing.

I did actually get to lay on the beach and relax.  It was really nice...until Lily dumped a whole bucket of sand on my head..."Wake up, mommy!"

I had visions of my kids running around in the backyard.  It is gorgeous with fruit trees, plumeria, and poinsetta shrubs.  But there are huge spiders....they scare me, not the kids, but still.

It takes a little while for the kids to realize that the ocean is fun.  Give them some time to warm up to it and they will love it.

The best part of the train ride through the rainforest is when you stop to feed the wild pigs.  They are super gross and ugly, but well-loved by all kids.

A child who has never walked outside before and who will not wear shoes, will freak out the first few times they are set down on unknown surfaces...these include sand, grass, and the sidewalk.

Hawaiians are the first people who have not claimed Lily as one of their own.  They do not think that she looks like them.  A lot of Asians and Native people think she looks like them.  Also, I have yet to meet a Hawaiian who knows what Inuit means.  I thought that even though we do not call Inuit people Eskimos in Canada, they might know what Eskimo meant.  I got the same empty stare when I asked about igloos.  I made the mistake of saying she was from the north....north of what?  We're on an island.

Jack loves everything that we love....chili dogs, Cherry Coke, Kauai coffee, fish and chips.  That kid loves everything.  Lily, on the other hand, loves Pizzeta Pizza.  That's about it.

Kids help you to stop and smell the plumeria.  To look at the butterfly...and the spider...and the roosters.  Everything its so much more fun through their eyes. 

This vacation reminds me of when I was a kid.  I remember one time when we were camping and I asked my parents what we were going to do next.  We were sitting in our campsite relaxing.  They said that we were going to do this...meaning that we were going to continue to relax.  I remember being confused because we weren't actually doing anything.  I have thought of that moment lots over the last few days.  Everytime we stop for a moment to relax...or even to eat lunch, Lily asks what we're going to do now.  Can we go to the beach?  (Even when we are just walking back from the beach).  I'm glad they are so excited, but where do they get the energy?

Well, I gotta go.  We're headed to the luau.  I've been to a few before, but I am sure this one will be different with the kids.  I hope they LOVE it!!

Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun...

Just so you know, today the sun shone just for me.  The last few weeks in Kauai have been rainy.  We arrived last night after a long day of planes and airports.  As usual, the kids surprised me with just how good they are.  Not that I would have complained because today I woke up in paradise.

I have been to Kauai before.  The last time we were here was just prior to our first IVF cycle.  We spent our days dreaming on the beach of what we thought would soon occur.  I thought about how wonderful it would be to return to Kauai to see our little boy or girl running down the beach.  That seems so long ago.  But at the same time it is hard to believe that in four short years I became the mother of two wonderful children.  I guess it all depends on how you look at it.

The day began with the voice of my favorite girl at 3:45 am telling me she has to pee.  After using the bathroom she climbed into bed with us.  After thinking about it she realized that she loves her "new room" and headed back to bed.  A thankful me fell back to sleep.  At 4:30 am, Lily returned to our room and was greeted by a very awake Jack.  And that's when our day began.  If my kids ever got up this early at home I would not be happy, but I understood that the time change messed them up...and I was waking up in paradise.  We showered and ate breakfast and were out the door by 6:00 am.  We headed to Spouting Horn to check out the chickens, cats, ocean and sunrise.  We chuckled about the fact that this was our first Hawaiian sunrise.  We had seen many sunsets before.  We smiled as we realized just how much our lives have changed.  Then off to Walmart to buy some sand toys and other necessities.  To the beach by 9:30 am and to lunch at noon.  Ahhhh....nap time.  Scott and Lily headed into town to pick up groceries.  When Jack woke up we headed to the beach to play on the playground.  And then we headed to the outdoor mall to watch some hula dancing. Then supper where we were personally serenated by Ryan, a fantastic Hawaiian musician.  Then shopping...to a store that previously made me very jealous and sad.  Today, as I shopped in Sand Kids I thought about just how lucky I am.  Then a little drive, quick bathtime...and then Lily actually asked to go to bed.  Very simple bed time routine and then ahhh....relaxing in paradise. 

It has been one of my busiest days.  I have already eaten macadamia nuts, had a mai tai, had fresh Ahi, had a Kauai Kookie, had unsweetened iced tea, and a Kauai coffee.  I could not have fit all my favorites into one day without getting up so early.  And I get to do it all again tomorrow if I want to.

I believe that today was beautiful because Lily and I sang the Mr. Sun song all the way to Walmart.  Oh yeah...and yes, I do know that I am the luckiest person in the world.

Mr. Sun. Sun. Mr. Golden Sun.  Please shine down on me.

From one mom to another

Last October a young man went missing.  His family did amazing things to assist in the search to find him.  They put up posters, made videos, and put up a billboard along the highway.  Because of them, I feel like I knew him.  Police spent the last four months sifting through information and have finally made a break in the case.  They arrested two suspects on the weekend and unidentified male remains were found on the farm that police have been repeatedly searching. 
I didn't know Rob Vicente.  I had never heard of him or his family.  For some reason his disappearance affected me.  I saw posters of his face in the post office, gas station, and grocery store.  His mom was on the news talking about him.  His friends posted information about his personality and his childhood.  I found myself hoping his disappearance was a miscommunication...a mistake.
The police have known for a long time that he was no longer alive.  His family had been told.  I'm sure that didn't keep them from hoping that they were wrong.  Today that hope is gone.  I am so happy that they have some closure and that they don't have to go on wondering what happened to their son.  But one mom to another, my heart aches for his mother.  He was her baby.  I'm sure she rocked him, taught him his colors, and helped him to ride a bike.  His death was senseless.  I can't imagine their pain. 
I'm so sorry that it all ended this way.  I am sorry that the answers that they received were not those that they were looking for.  I hope for justice for their son....and eventually peace for their family. 
My thoughts are with you.

Popeye the Sailorman...and other providers of "Semen"

This post is rated at least PG-13 due to sexual content...now that I've got your attention, don't say I didn't warn you....

We often discuss the female role of infertility tests and treatments, but no one discusses the man's role.  And yes, he does have an interesting part to play.  If you ever walk through the hallway near the ARTUS office you will notice a small waiting room with three couches.  Just past that waiting room is the Andrology lab.  After abstaining from all types of ejaculation for three days you go to that little waiting room and look sheepish until your appointment time.  You then proceed to the Andrology lab to receive your brown baggy with cup and the key to the secret room.  The door to this room has a sign that says, "House cleaning, please clean this room after hours."  You just know that some unfortunate soul was the victim of an overzealous cleaning lady.  I'm not sure that you could get back into the mood following that kind of interruption.
The key to the special room unlocks the door to the little room with the rubber covered couch.  Do not let your mind wonder to thoughts of why the couch is covered in rubber or just how often the room is cleaned.  Instead, just for interest sake, wonder over to the locked cupboard and unlock it with your special key.  Inside is a selection of magazines (don't touch them...ew!) and 80's porn.  Feel free to select one if you wish however I have been told that "The 80's bush on those women is absolutely unsexy!"  And honestly, what is on the buttons of that DVD player anyway?  My suggestion is to take your portable DVD player with you and to stop at a XXX rental shop on your way there.  I'm not a guy but I'm not sure your imagination is quite enough to escape the awkwardness of the situation. 
And whatever you do...do not miss the cup.  Every little bit counts....and close only counts in horse shoes. 
Upon completion wash your hands and pack up the cup back in the bag.  As you wonder back to the Andrology lab keep in mind that yes, all the people giving you sympathetic looks do know what is in the bag. 
But don't be embarrassed.  Many have gone before you...and there's still lots to come.

Fate vs. Destiny

Okay.  Okay.  I know I said I would write about day 3 post-partum next, but one can never determine in advance what they might want to write about next.  Is that fate...or destiny?

Fate and destiny are terms that are most often used interchangeably.  They almost mean the same thing and so I will continue to use them this way, but just for interest sake there is a difference.  Destiny describes future events.  It suggests that decisions will be made that will ultimately end up in a pre-destined future.  Fate is a description of the past.  This means that no matter what decisions were made in the past, whatever happened would end the way it already has.  It was fate. If someone is going to be famous someday, it is their destiny.  If they are famous, it was fate that made them famous. 

I'm a believer to a certain degree.  I do believe in free will and I do think that making well thought out decisions is important.  However, I do think that my life will end up the way it is supposed to.  Maybe that's just taking the easy way out when I'm not sure what to do.  Regardless, it has all worked out so far.  I think I believe that different decisions will get you there faster and with less struggle and pain, but ultimately life will end up the way it is supposed to.  On the other hand, I do believe in guiding your kids to being good people.  I will not trust that it is their destiny to turn out okay.

I believe that fate brought our family together.  Watching my kids play, I am amazed at just how much they adore eachother.  There is no doubt in my mind that they were meant to be together.  They have no idea that they have different skin colors or that their hair colors couldn't be more opposite.  All they know is that Lily sings Twinkle Twinkle Little Star when Jack is sad and it cheers him up immediately.  Jack chases Lily around and around the island in our kitchen and Lily loves every minute of it.  There was no way to know how our decisions would bring us here, but there is no doubt in my mind that this is exactly the way that things were meant to be.

Bath....three times daily as directed

Before Jack was born I was confident....probably too confident.  Even though Lily was one of those babies that needed to be held pretty much every wakeful moment, I was sure little Jack was going to lay on the floor and coo while I enjoyed quality time with my daughter.  My over-confidence also led me to believe that I was going to be released as soon as possible following delivery and we would all live happily ever after.  The rule at the hospital is that you have to stay until the day after you deliver.  This means that if you deliver two minutes before midnight you could be eligible for release within twelve hours, but if you deliver after midnight you have to stay until the next calendar day.  Jack was born at 12:32 am so we had to stay longer.  My dear 6'9" husband had to sleep on a little piece of foam for two nights and Lily was worried about us the whole time.  So when the doctor asked me if I needed anything, I said I wanted to be discharged as soon as possible.  I thought it was a good idea at the time.  I was sent home with the regular information including sitting in the bath tub three times a day...what new mom really has time for that anyway?
That night I realized I was peeing blood...not a little but a lot of blood.  I called the healthy and home nurse and she said I had to go into emergency right away.  It was midnight and I had to haul my newborn to emergency in -30 degree weather and sit in the H1N1 filled waiting room.  I was not happy about this or the possibility that I was going to have to have my first public breastfeeding experience there.  They used a technique called "waiting room medicine" and the triage nurse gave me a urine sample cup to take to the public washroom.  The people in there actually gasped when I walked through the waiting room with my blood red urine sample...my confidence was wavering.  Oh yeah...and this was day 3 post-partum...if you don't know what that means, stay tuned.  I will blog about that next time.  Anyway, the healthy and home nurse thought that I had torn my urethra during delivery but fortunately it was just a urinary tract infection so I headed home with my prescription.
The next day we had a visit from the nurse who took Jack's blood because he appeared a little yellow...okay he was really yellow but I didn't notice because I was in awe of my perfect beautiful newborn...oh and he was great at sleeping and didn't need to eat very often.  The perfect baby except that he was actually jaundice and needed to return to the hospital to be admitted.   I want to take a moment to think about parents of really sick kids because seeing Jack in the hospital for even that short time was really hard.  By the time he was admitted and assessed he was becoming unresponsive.  They wanted to get an IV in as soon as possible.  They asked me to leave the room because babies really cry when they poke them.  A half hour later I walked back in wondering why they hadn't done it yet.  He hadn't cried at all even though they poked him thirteen times.  The PICU nurse finally got the IV in and he was placed on light therapy.  I was encouraged to pump if I wanted and to give what I pumped plus formula but not to actually breastfeed because they were monitoring how much he was taking. 
My breast milk hadn't yet come in and all I was getting was a few precious drops of colostrum.  My confidence continued to waver.  They brought me a chair/cot to sleep on.  There was no where to take these precious baths that they had spoken so fondly of on the maternity ward.  I had to leave my baby alone to pump and I had to go to a friend's house to shower.  (The Saskatoon Children's Hospital Foundation radiothon is on as I type.  It is going to have better accomodations for parent's with sick kids.  I had no idea how bad we needed this until we stayed in pediatrics...what a dump!!)
Over the next six weeks I fought with my breastmilk and my urinary tract infection.  I took three different rounds of antibiotics and a handful of pills for breast milk production.  My confidence had vanished and I thought that I was wrong in assuming I could handle any of it. 
From there we started to see improvements.  I quit breastfeeding...I completely dried up in one day although I did get to feel the rock hard porn star boobs that everyone talks about for one night.  You are not supposed to dry up that quickly, so obviously something wasn't quite right.  And I started an antidepressant and finally kicked the infection. 
I guess things don't always go as planned...but it all ended with a "and they all lived happily ever after."  I think it all happened just because I didn't get those baths....three times a day as directed.

My religious dilemma

I was born Catholic, baptised Catholic, and raised Catholic.  I went to church every Sunday throughout my childhood.  If you asked me today, I would still say I am Catholic.  I have belonged to a Mommy's group at our church.  Both of my kids are baptised Catholic.  I still get a sense of peace from attending church.  I receive our church bulletin by email every week and I make a weekly donation to our church. 
But I do have some issues.  The Catholic church has many beliefs that are a struggle for me.  I believe that everyone is equal even if they are gay. I think that there are situations when divorce is absolutely the right thing to do.  And I believe in fertility treatments.  (Oh yeah, and for those of you who need it, I think birth control is useful too.)  One of the great things about the Catholic church is the amazing ability to be forgiven of your sins.  All you have to do is admit them to the priest, say the recommended prayers and all is forgiven.  But what if I don't want to be forgiven for undergoing fertility treatments?  My personal issue is with the fact that I am sure that God loves Jack.  So if he or she does love Jack, how can the creation of Jack be wrong?  I realize that these doctrines change throughout the years and that religion has come a long way...but still, I have a hard time getting past this issue. 
My husband belongs to the United Church.  Between the two of us, I am the more religious one, although he also attended church throughout his childhood.  I have been to the United Church enough times to feel at home there too.  I like the fact that they don't discriminate as much as my own church...but it is not home.  It just doesn't give me the same sense of peace.  I understand that this makes little sense to non-Catholics.  Why would the repetitive sit down, stand up, chant after the priest ritual give me peace?  I can't explain it.  It's just where I belong.
Okay, I have to admit, it's not all the above issues that have me not in church every Sunday.  We used to have the most fantastic priest.  He read the bible, but also gave information about actual real historical events that either proved or disproved the writing in the bible.  He was a fantastic man who spent his days counselling inmates, drug addicts, and inner-city families.  I know he made a difference in the world.  And I am sure in his spare time he played poker and drank beer.  But he got through to me.  His message made sense to me.  Our new priest is great.  He's from Africa and has a wonderful accent.  But his masses are at least an hour and half long.  It's just too long for two little kids.  Lily was really good at going to church...Jack is not.  And it's not his fault.  I always said that you could tell at Christmas which kids don't go to church on a regular basis.  I have created one of those kids.  The other thing is that I have limited time with my family now that I am working fulltime.  Jack sleeps most of the afternoon.  If he spends the morning at church and the afternoon asleep, when do we go to the zoo, or the museum, or the Fun Factory?
I always said I wanted to take my kids to church because it helps to build morals.  I think I am a better person because I went to church regularly.  I wanted my children to be baptised because of the religious implications if they weren't.  (Although I truly do not believe that my friend's unbaptised kids are destined for hell!)  I was married by a priest in a church because it was important to me to do so. 
So, that's my religious dilemma.